This is How You Answer Your Hinge Questions

I love Hinge. Actually, that’s an immense overstatement, as I happen to despise all dating apps by definition. Because, at 32 years old, I happen to despise dating. And yet, in an arena of punitive options, Hinge is somewhat of the lesser evil. For uno, the large majority of men seem clean, educated and gainfully employed. For dos, it obligates each user to fill out a set of questions, consequently enabling one to (somewhat) filter out the biggest narcissists and dullards.

The only downfall is that you can answer only three of them, which is quite unfair because of how fun and millennial they are! And so, I decided to utilize this platform to take a swing at a few more. There is no method to the madness, just gut instinct and an inherent penchant for self-sabotage.

(Dear Hinge marketing team, this is a sponsored post. Feel free to send me on vacation to Cartagena.)

I’ll fall for you if

You are moody and ever-so-slightly narcissistic.

What I’d like to know about you

Nothing much. But my mom wants a psychiatric evaluation.

Most spontaneous thing I’ve done

Bought a puppy on a 10-shots-for-10-dollars hangover. That’s how I plan on getting pregnant, btw!

What I wanted to be when I grow up

Gwyneth Paltrow, accepting the Oscar in a pink princess dress. I went for the second most narcissistic career instead.

An overshare

Please proceed to www.dbagdating.com.

My favorite game to play at parties

Does “Spot my potential husband” count?

But, hey, at least I have hot friends.

Best travel story

A guy I was dating for five minutes invited me on a 3-week trip to Asia. Shortly after we came back, he dumped me. On Valentine’s Day.

My simple pleasures

Swiffering.

My greatest strength

Swiffering. And sample sales.

I get along best with people who

Don’t contradict me.

Fact about me that surprises people

That I’m still single, obviously.

This year, I really want to

Get proposed to. (I am adding this. Brace yourselves.) 

Update: added this 12 hours ago as a social experiment, and not a single person has messaged me since. Weird.

I know the best spot in town for

Food samples! Also, buying toilet paper for $0.75  less.

I’m weirdly attracted to

Instability.

My personal brand is

Um, self-sabotage? (Also, this question is slightly disturbing.) 

I bet you can’t

Understand why you are still reading this. JK! I bet you can’t wait to meet me.

I’m convinced that

All my exes still love me.

I’ll know I found the one when

I go out of business.