Seeking Answers? Try Asking For Them

Why isn’t he writing? What if I hadn’t sent that stupid text yesterday? What if I send this brilliant message now? What did he mean by “talk soon”? Why did he send me an emoji of a girl getting a head massage? What does all of this MEAN?!  

Rare manipulative geniuses aside, most of us have probably been in this predicament – guessing, speculating, deciphering messages, torturing our friends for probable scenarios – in summary, granting the objects of our affection far more energy than they deserve. Frankly, I could have learned Spanish in the amount of time I’ve wasted on this bullshit.

Well, NOT ANYMORE!

This past fall, a platonic friendship took a brief romantic detour, then quickly reverted to its original format. We never really discussed what had happened, which I was okay with – at first. As time passed and communication got weirder, the vague question mark that had been left hovering over the situation gradually began to sink deeper into the surface of my mind, garnering unprecedented gravitas. Suddenly, I needed to know what had happened. I needed him to like me. I needed to win.

And so, I decided to do what any normal person would, and gave him a private showing of every passive-aggressive trick I had mastered in 32 years on this planet. I lashed out. I played it cool. I attempted silent treatment (fail). I was hot-cold-lukewarm-torrid. Throughout the process, I kept a mental scorecard of his reactions, attempting to create patterns of his emojis and monosyllables. (To say that this Monsieur is slightly evasive would be like saying that George Clooney is slightly charming.)

Finally, during an annual birthday self-check, I realized that, in trying to yield some nonexistent emotional reaction from him, I was only hurting myself. The situation was no longer interesting or enigmatic – it was bordering on self-sabotage. And so, I swallowed my pride and asked. To his face. Using real words, not emojis.

Guess what? The universe didn’t implode. I didn’t turn into a pumpkin. The Monsieur, in his usual elusive manner, filled in about 70% of the picture, allowing me to color in the gaps (millennial pink, just the way I like it!) I felt bad for a hot second, but that feeling was gone by morning – as was my fixation on the entire thing. For the first time in a long time, I was completely in control.

That’s the funny thing about feelings and emotions – they are only frightening when we allow them to be. Once we learn to articulate them, they become far less intimating, more comprehensible, more human.

Conversations with friends revealed that I am not the only member of the avoidance club. Many confessed that, in an odd way, they don’t want to know the truth. “It’s like avoiding the doctor, or hiding the scale – what you don’t know can’t hurt you,” says one friend. A few noted that asking men questions is a about as enjoyable as, say, plucking ingrown chin hairs. Sans tweezers. Others didn’t want to be called dramatic or crazy. “This all goes back to gaslighting,” says friend and contributor Julia Reiss. “In so many relationships, a woman is already questioning her sanity and being manipulated to feel inferior. This makes it much harder to ask direct questions, since, often times, they will be used against her.” And yet, she is a firm believer in asking. “The only time I won’t give a man a full court press is when there are extenuating circumstances, like a professional relationship at stake. Otherwise, fuck crazy.”

Indeed, fuck crazy. A few minutes of discomfort are a small price to pay for the ultimate reward, which is peace of mind. By the way, this doesn’t mean you need to start interrogating every man you ever dated. Often, there is a certain beauty in not knowing. (I did live in France, after all.)

Let’s go with this criteria:

If it’s affecting your sanity, ask for an answer.

If it’s preventing you from moving forward, ask for an answer.

If you are spending more time speculating about the person than with the person, ask for an answer.

For when you do ask, here are a few practical tips.

1. Do it face to face. Text messages and emails leave too much space for manipulation.
2. Write everything down, even practice your delivery. Self-assurance is the ultimate gaslighting antidote.
3. Keep it simple. “I like you, but this situation is confusing. Do you think there is something between us?” will suffice.
4. Talk yourself through the worst-case scenario. This will cushion the potential ego blow and allow you to keep your cool, regardless of the answer.

And, remember: the universe won’t implode. You won’t turn into a pumpkin. You will just get some clarity and move on to more prosperous pastures.

There are, like, 56 hours of this year left – don’t let them go to waste! Leave your headaches in 2018, where they belong!

Oh, and tell me how it goes in the comments.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!