Foreword: In case you aren’t blessed by the Raya Gods, similar rules apply to Bumble. And Hinge. And JDate. And Christian Mingle. And even the Sears of dating that is Tinder.
This past Christmas, I got my very own miracle. I got accepted to Raya, the Mecca of online dating apps, where regular folks are granted the right to mingle with (Instagram-slash-D-list) celebrities via a (highly-exclusive-slash-ambiguous) selection criteria.
For the two months that I remained in Waiting List limbo, I consoled myself with the delusion that this mass hit of a blog was preventing me from being instantly accepted. Yeah, right. As it turned out, the delay had nothing to do with my potential threat to the Raya codes of discretion, but, rather, on my low ranking on their looks + cool factor algorithm.. Because, the minute they ran out of models, they accepted me! The Promise Land of all dating apps finally parted its magic gates!
That said, the better part of my Holiday weekend was spent binging on peppermint bark while watching video collages of beautiful humans on my iPhone screen, all whilst eating more peppermint bark to process the fact that there is an entire breed of homo-sapiens walking this earth with a grossly unfair genetic advantage. This applies to both men and women: for every perfectly-chiseled, man-bunned photographer, there is a model who gives Emily Radwanski a run for her belfie.
Four days and 300 slideshows, I feel like I have been given a crash course in self-marketing from the worlds finest Instagram celebrities, which I’m about to share with you! To avoid getting kicked off (a feat I would not survive), I will have to demonstrate on myself.
To start, you must remember that, just like in fashion, a high-low mix is key. You must strive for a perfect balance of sexy and cool shots, starting with…
The Lead-In
Since everybody is pre-screened, most guys on Raya go for quantity over quality, aiming to max out on their matches and filter through later later. (I would estimate the follow-through at around 20%.) Since the main picture is often their sole deciding factor, it has be good. Personally, I chose this one because my friend Caroline spent a good few hours Photoshopping it and because I’m wearing Dries van Noten and because I look like a balance of happy and mysterious (ha!) and approachable. And even sane, which I’m not.
Now that you have lured him in, it’s time for…
The Exotic Travel Pic
What it is: A picture of you somewhere outside of the Western Hemisphere, preferably next to a World Wonder or in an exotic setting such as a desert or a tropical rain forest. For bonus points, try to include a rare wildlife species in its natural habitat: a monkey, lion or any other safari find are all excellent choices. Elephants are really trending at the moment, so if you can find one, more Raya Power to you!
What it means: I’m interesting and exotic and curious. I care about more than just my personal perfection (which is already a done deal). I care about LIFE! I care about the WORLD!
To continue on the curated lifestyle momentum, let’s introduce..
Zee Artiste
What it is: You, next to a piece of art, practically being art.
What it means: I’m erudite and evolved and have an appreciation for the finer things in life. My weekends are spent gallery-hopping and I will know my sh*t if you take me to Art Basel.
Approachable, well-traveled and artistic? Now, time for some oomph! Bring in…
The Close-Up Selfie
What it is: A close up shot of your face, preferably mid-pout. For extra poutiness, layer FaceTune and Instagram effects in abundance.
What it means: I’m not a Monet! I’m a Courbet! I look hot up close! IRL! Without makeup! When we wake up together and you look into my eyes in the morning light!
(N.B. This is NOT on my Raya profile.)
Ok, now back to personality. Introducing..
The Fun-Lover
What it is: You, making a funny face, doing something funny, generally looking like you’re having a blast in life.
What it means: I’m fun and cool and objectively better than your lingerie model ex who took herself way too seriously. I’m DTH (down to hang); your friends will love me and so will you!
Speaking of friends, time to show him that good things come in packages. Throw in…
The hot #girlsquad
What it is: You and your hottest ladies, squading it up à la T-Swift!
What it means: I’m secure enough to surround myself with other hot b*tches. Also, your friends will benefit from this union. Also, if this doesn’t work out, you will have options.
Ok, let’s give him a moment to process everything he has learned. For this, you will need..
The Random Scenery
What it is: A picture of something random and pretty and inspirational.
What it means: I’m more than just hot. I’m also deep.
(Can easily be replaced by an art piece, object, non-lame quote)
And now, time for the pièce de résistance…
The Belfie
What it is: A picture of your butt. I don’t have one, which must be costing me major Raya points. My friends volunteered to take one over the weekend, but I couldn’t be bothered due to the mid-peppermint bark binge. And yet, every other chick on Raya has one, so pick up a Belfie stick and get going! (P.S. Somebody, somewhere, is banking on this business idea, because they are actually SOLD OUT!)
What it means: I do my Lululemon justice.
Ok now that he’s truly sold, time to get serious. Starting with…
The Event Pic
What it is: You at an event, looking civilized.
What it means: In the case that you want to take me to your D-list movie screening, I will know how to fix my hair, contour my face, and borrow a YSL gown from my fancy friend. I am presentable to parents and know how to dance without tripping over my Gianvito Rossis.
Speaking of parenting, you will need…
The Maternal Pic
What it is: Picture of you, holding a child, looking like the cool mom you will one day be (sans baby weight). Important to borrow a cute baby – men are very visual!
What it means: Procreating with me is the best idea you’ve had all day!
And, as he contemplates your life together, throw in…
The Yogi
What it is: A picture of you curled up in a Level IV yoga pretzel, perched somewhere on a cliff, looking like a Lululemon ad of serenity and peace.
What it means: I’ve been doing yoga since I first found out about Madonna and you better believe that it shows in my flexibility. In every way. Also, I will look excellent in 20 years. Also, I know how to mediate, which means I won’t stab you with a kitchen knife when you come home at 5am smelling like a bottle of Yamazaki.
Once again I fail you. But my other friend with Photoshop skills didn’t!
Hurrah! Now, time for the cherry on the cupcake: the soundtrack. I probably lost points with my David Bowie cheesiness – most people tend to go in the ambiguous Burning Man-inspired direction.. Although I do have a sneaking suspicion that nobody really cares, as long as your belfie game is up to par!
P.S. Did you guys know that January 1st is the busiest dating app day of the year, which means that you have exactly 4 days to step it up?!
Happy Raya-ing! And Bumbling! And Christian Mingling! And Tindering!
HAHHAHA. DYING.
You may very well be the funniest and most useful woman on the internet! xo
This is hilarious! You wouldn’t be able to send a girl a referral code, would you? I have some business to attend to on there. 🙂
Sure thing, just email me!
Could you send me a referral code as well?!
Hi ! I just applied to Raya ! Can I also get a Referal code ? None of my friends are on dating apps but me 🙁
Love the article!! Could I get a referral code as well? I would appreciate it so much!! Thank you 😊
Dbagdating #hillarious, shame you live so far away would be awesome to catch up – like-minded girl power.
Honestly I just want to meet a guy that is creative, open minded and kind; that has their own success rather than it being put on mine all the time. I feel lonely on the relationship front.
Can anyone help with a referral. I want a genuine go- I can’t do tinder anymore.
Tired of people with shallow lives and opinions on Tinder, please shine your light of referral upon me too x
I love this! And your gorgeous of course you got accepted! 😉Could you be a doll and send me a referral code too! ❤️😘
Fantastic article! Thanks for sharing your advice. Would love to get on Raya, would I be able to get a referral? Thank you
LOVE this! great tips and so funny-would you mind sharing the referral code? Want to see what I’m missing out on!!
Super useful and funny!
Could you please share your referral code? I would loveee to see what is going on there 😀
Hilarious wit, and gorgeous pics;) able to share a referral??
I got waitlisted 🤦♀️
Could you send me a referral code please ? Also you’re hilarious thank you !
Dig your site! Question, my friend is on Raya and can’t find referral code to give. He sent me email with “invite” but doesn’t have 5 digit code. Where on site is it?
profile – first tab! x
Thanks Marina! It’s weird because my friend is telling me he clicks on profile and only sees himself? He doesn’t see an option to give referral code. He is a paying member so it should be super simple no? He sent me an email invite to be a “member of cumminuty” but it still asks for 5 digit code… 🤔
Did you work it out?
So funny! I’ve been dying to scope it out.Can I borrow your referral code?
This was a intriguing article. Any way i could get a referral code from you? 🙂
This article is hysterical. The maternal pic 😂Can you your referral code so ?
thanks! would you mind sending a referral code?
Hahaha! I am waiting for my response though my average looks and petite size might be in my way. Hoping my art will do the talking!
Hello I love your article and I appreciate the depth of each section. Are these the baseline rules for men to or can you make a article about the guy side of this too? And also I would love a referral code if you could 😉
Sure, article in order!
Wittily and relateably written. Would you mind giving me some blogging tips?
Sure!!
1. Have a niche and unique topic / angle to grab readers’ attention
2. Write regularly and consistently – readers will come back + practice makes perfect
3. Put effort into social media (my mistake for not doing it) – that’s where the eyeballs are
Hope this helps! x
Is there any way I could get a referral code from you? Would really appreciate it.
Love your blood. Hoping to get a referral code please? Thank you!
I am so sorry. Blog, thanks autocorrect. 🤦🏻♀️
Great text, could you also share the referral code with me please? I’m usually on the waiting list 🙁
Hello!!
I love your article and I was wondering if you could give me a referral code? I am trying to do some business (along with maybe–hopefully–romance) a girl can dream! I’m waitlisted right now but i am trying to get this done asap! My instagram is @ayelelwhy if you slid in my DM’s you’d make my year!! Thank you girl and keep up the good work!
Hey Girl! This article is amazing! As others have asked, I would love the referral code as well! But my question: has anyone somehow magically bypassed the Instagram requirement through reaching out? I have minimal social media but would love to try this (and have tried the other dating apps). Thanks!
GUYS! I DON’T GIVE OUT REFERRAL CODES! I LOVE Y’ALL BUT PLEASE STOP MESSAGING / EMAILING ME!
UNLESS YOU WANT TO BUY ME A KELLY OR AN APT IN TRIBECA. THEN WE CAN TALK.
Could you send me a referral code?! So intrigued.
How’d you get accepted or attempt to
Hey girl! Can I get a referral code?! I don’t have many insta followers 😂
Hahaha I’m not even sure which comment was better, the “Procreating with me is the best idea you’ve had all day!” or the “I won’t stab you with a kitchen knife when you come home at 5am smelling like a bottle of Yamazaki” 😂 would you mind sending me a referral code so I can check it out? I’m intrigued, and obviously super single haha I’ve had enough of this Bumble/Tinder bs for more money to meet more morons, but I barely use IG, so I guess I’ll have to step that up haha ef. 😣
This is hilarious. Please could you send me a referral code? Thanks
How Do you get the app for Raya?
I’m curious as to how dating using this “private global community” is working out for you, from a social and work perspective? Is there an update article??
met my boyfriend on it, ironically..
Can I get a referral code?
Hi Marina! Fun article to read :D! I am looking to sign up but have no referral. Would be kind to help me out. I am an artist. Thanks!
Great article. I have 2 Instagram accounts – a personal one which has more pics of holidays and fun, then a semi-professional one of me in fitness/wellness stuff. Which would you put forward? Also would I be able to get a referral code too? 🙏🏻
You know it’s so funny that even after so many heart breaks I kept believing in love and just when I lost hopes to it this article came up tried to make an account and wow boom…just to realise it’s not cup of my tea. People really doesn’t even worth this app is just for some cool people and there is really no hopes for people like us.
Wow even my comment doesn’t get accepted forget about Raya.
This pumpkin can never become Cinderella
Totally know the feeling. Any chance of getting a referral 🙏🙏
I would absolutely appreciate so much if you were able to share a referral code with me? ^_^
Was fun reading, very right when they say “Love don’t come easy”! ROFL!!!
Hey can I have a referral code please x
That’s hilarious….. Will you please send me a referral code? Thank you for your time and consideration….
Marina Khorosh
You are insightful!!!
I’ve been hearing of this site and now would finally like to join. Could you send me an invite code please?
Hi there guys 🙂
Marina love the article and how did you get in?
Has anyone tips on how to get on Raya? Would love to hear from you!!
Hey! Anyone can get me into raya? let me know!
Great stuff! I would love to see all those rolled into one; belfie yoga pose in YSL, balancing a baby on head as elephants walk past with banksy art sprayed on them. In front of the Taj Mahal obviously.
So nearly 2 years on…..how’s it going? Did you meet the person of your dreams??? And of course the obligatory ….can I have a referral code please x
3 years even! Well you must have a squad of babies together by now!
I’m waitlisted as well, this gives me hope I’ll eventually get in at some point lol.
LOL I’m about 2 years too late on this article! One of my close friends has Raya but given that her Instagram holds a lot more influence than mine does, I don’t think having only just one referral from her will cut it…help a girl out and email me a referral? Really trying to get my name out there!
Would also love a referral code!