The Dbag Dating Guide to Brazilian Men

This valuable insider’s guide is brought to you by our latest international contributor. Marina Amaro, 26, has the sun in the perfectionist Virgo and the moon in the imaginative Pisces. (Yes, it’s that confusing.) She loves fashion, great books by female authors, and a stellar fitness routine. You can explore more of her via her Instagram  (can you imagine what that Virgo-Pisces mix does for her aesthetics?)

Some time ago, a Brazilian friend living in Melbourne brought her Australian boyfriend back home to show him the motherland. After a month of exploring the best parts of the country, they returned to our city of Porto Alegre and I got a chance to meet him. I was immediately struck by his interest in specific aspects of my life; a stark juxtaposition to the natural conversation flow customary of our culture, where you to learn random details of one’s astrological chart while remaining clueless about their last name and occupation.

In one round of questioning, the Aussie asked me if I had a boyfriend. When I told him that I didn’t, he voiced his sympathy: “I can understand why. I noticed that most couples here are composed of beautiful women and generic guys. In fact, the men all seem kind of identical, from their appearance to their behavior.” A quick glance at the sea of bearded, scruffy, bored-looking guys at the bar confirmed that he was onto something.

Like any country where the female population outweighs the male population, the men of our tropical country are not in the habit of making much effort to impress. Meanwhile, women must always be impeccable: think perfect beach bodies that combine the best of Kim Kardashian and Candice Swanepoel, topped with a halo of Gisele Bündchen hair. Oh yes, we must also be eager to accompany our boyfriends to soccer games and share a few beers and a plate of fries, all while preserving that taunt 6-pack. Take note, Gillian Flynn – Brazilian girls invented the Cool Girl.

Before I turn you off Brazilian men forever, let me just state that this is not the rule and there are some great guys here who don’t care if you don’t look like a lingerie model (or won’t like you solely because you do). Most Brazilians are also equipped with a wonderful sense of humor, so if you want to find someone who will find joy in life’s adversities, buy a one-way ticket and head on over.

However, here are a few things you should be warned about.

Quantity trumps quality. Remember that teen habit of making out with multiple people at the same party? Well, this is the modus operandi of the Brazilian adult male, as is the other high school tradition of mild sexual harassment. That’s right – don’t be shocked if a rude dude grabs you without asking your name, even when you’re accompanied. Oh, if he realizes that you are with your boyfriend, he will apologize. To the boyfriend.

The art of meeting is a vicious cycle. As noted earlier, Brazilian men do not like to chase after women, partially out of fear of rejection and partially out of pure convenience. However, they are also quite misogynistic and do not like it when women take the first step. (Dating apps like Tinder and Happn are primarily used for getting laid.) How do couples get together, then? Who only knows.. A mix of luck, alignment of the planets and mysteries of the universe that mankind is yet to unravel.

They have odd ways of showcasing their intentions. My friends and I used to joke that Brazilian men have a special scale for how they show their interest. If he texts you on a Friday night to ask you about your plans, he is smitten. If he invites you to a bar, you may have a real future. If he asks you out to the movies, the two of you might get married soon. And if he takes you out to dinner, you’re going to have five kids, a dog, a cat and a bird!

And now, on to the good stuff.

The famed Brazilian hospitality applied to relationships. Despite all the aforementioned red flags, Brazilians win when it comes to friendliness and affection. They have no qualms expressing their passion and will always treat you like a queen while you’re with them – even if they have no plans of ever seeing you again. Oh, they’re also usually great in bed.

The moment you are dating a Brazilian guy, you are dating his entire family. Like most Latin cultures, Brazilians are extremely family-oriented and like to keep their kids under their roofs well into their twenties. Even when a Brazilian man does move out, he never really leaves his family, so anybody he dates is immediately thrown in the mix. Translation: if you started a relationship with a Brazilian guy two days ago, you are probably going to be introduced to his entire brood come next Sunday barbecue. Look on the bright side – we have caipirinhas!

A Brazilian man is a partner for everything. Once you manage to get a Brazilian guy to fall in love with you, he is the best life partner you can have. Not only is he an excellent family man, but he is equipped with a zest for life that will ensure you endless outdoorsy adventures, from camping to beach volleyball to admiring the sunset over Arpoador in Rio. Whether the good outweighs the bad, only you can decide, but rest assured that you are in for some excellent days – and even better nights!