The Sista Code

Ever since a Russian girl named Veronica saved me from getting my pudgy butt kicked by playground bullies at the age of 5, female friendships have been the driving relationships of my life. No matter how bleak my love life tends to get, I’m always comforted by the fact that I have a loyal team of girlfriends who have my back through thick and thin and merely bloated and potentially psychotic and whatever other state I happen to be in.

This is why I find it rather hard to trust women who have no female friends. Take Angelina Jolie – this is a woman who, despite her many virtues, publicly admits to having no girlfriends. This is also the woman responsible for the biggest homewrecking scandal of the 2000’s. See the link there? I think my dog Chloe could, and she’s more beauty than brains.

It’s not just friends – women, in general, must be there for one another. The other day, I was at an outdoor music festival with a guy. Four beers into it, I realized that nature was calling, and that the porter potty line was now stretched around Parc de la Vilette, each member jumping and jittering in a way that indicated a 2-hour wait. As I hopelessly scoured the woods for a blind spot to pop my classy squat, a guardian angel appeared in the form a French girl. Exchanging a brief few words, we stood vigil for one another, hence preventing potential rape by one of the peeping toms waiting to pounce. I never even learned my savior’s name.

This, my friends, is called female solidarity. Unlike men, who are programmed by society to have each other’s backs, women are generally depicted as catty, jealous and bitchy, ready to f*ck each other over at moments notice. A – this is not true. B- we must stop proliferating the myth. And so, I give you my best Barney Stimpson with my own personal version of the Bro Code – The Sista Code: the Modern Day Guide to Female Solidarity. 

1. Thou shalt not date a married man. Or a man in a relationship, for that matter.

It never ceases to amaze me when my Hubby-in-Law tells me that his wedding ring actually makes him more popular amongst women, often even in the vicinity of his wife. What is this, a shortage of bread during the Perestroika? There are enough dudes to go around, people. Also, there is still such a thing as karma that can, and will, bite you in the ass. Also, he who cheated with you will cheat on you. Also, you will be that girl. Do I need to name more reasons?

2. Thou shalt not talk shit about the ex. Or the replacement.

Every woman has a fixation – they are either obsessed with their boyfriend’s ex, or they are permanently hounded by their ex’s new girlfriend. (I belong to the latter, but only because I genuinely think she’s awesome.) I understand that both of these women are emotional kryptonite, presenting a myriad of opportunities for malicious commentary with every Instagram photo they take. And yet, you must not give in to the demons and avoid talking shit about them in public at any cost. You will only make yourself look bad. As an alternative, I suggest stalking their lives on social media and sending screen shots to your mother/best friend.

3. Thou shalt not be an oxygen-sucking attention whore.

We all know her, and trust me, you don’t want to be her. This is the girl who commands all the attention of the room with the intolerable pitch of her voice. The one who claims to have no girlfriends because women are all “jealous” of her God-given superiority and she just happens to “get along better” with guys. On the occasion that she does make female friends, she likes to ensure that they are at least 20 pounds heavier than her, liquidating (in her peanut-sized brain, at least) any chance at competition. Her insecurity is so palpable that it’s almost like a bad oder, lingering in the air wherever she goes.

4. Thou shalt not cockblock your friends’ happiness.

I have gone through life with a series of partner-in-crime butt-buddies who, each in their own turn, accompanied me through my crazy single-girl adventures. Today, the majority of these former wild-children are married, or even breeding their own future little monsters. That’s life. No matter how lonely you may feel in the moment, you must accept that your friends won’t be eternally single forever, and learn to be happy for them. If anything, turn it into an opportunity to get a life, make new friends, and start dating more. En plus, I find that my friends generally pick great guys, which only benefits my ever-expanding hubby-in-law collection.