Editor’s Note: This post is brought to you by Allie Dell, a Texas-based writer and marketing manager sifting her way through a perennial quarter-life crisis. An eternal romantic optimist, she is still determining if this quality serves her well. Hobbies include challenging her body’s caffeine intake limits and lounging in hammocks that don’t belong to her.
“So, is he ‘The One’?”
If I had a dollar for each time I’ve rolled my eyes at this question, I’d be rich. Well, maybe not rich, but at least capable of affording a legitimate gym membership.
Up until recently, I was rolling my eyes because whichever Dude du Jour I was seeing at the time was nowhere near the potential-long-term-relationship spectrum. Now that I’ve met someone who actually warrants the “boyfriend” moniker, the question seems much more daunting.
As soon as someone – usually, someone who has little-to-no-business digging into the crux of my personal life – casually drops this little question bomb into our conversation, I feel the internal panic seeping in.
“I mean… I don’t know if he’s The One, but we’re having a lot of fun together,” I respond. After all, isn’t that enough? But it never is, not for these people. They want concrete answers, like your love life is the subject of their weird science experiment or that you have access to some relationship crystal ball. Instantly, my mind starts to run...What if he’s NOT The One? What if I’m wasting my time? Should I break it off now to avoid learning he’s not The One too late?
In saying all of this, I should probably note that I come from a family of pragmatists who ironically, romanticize the shit out of finding love. According to my parents’ model – and, in their defense, they’ve been pretty happily married for 30 years – you should know within roughly a week of meeting that you want to spend the rest of your lives together. While I realize that it often takes a week to secure a second date in today’s world, this timeline is still the subliminal standard against which I’ve measured my romantic relationships for as long as I can remember.
And yet, their theory simply doesn’t seem to hold in real life – at least, not for me. In fact, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned that seeking out passionate, whirlwind romances with a light bulb “Yes! You’re it!” moment is a surefire way to be disappointed. Sure, these sparkly affairs are great in the beginning, but then they quickly fizzle out. They are like the Momofuku Birthday Cakes of relationships – intense, loaded with sugar, and guaranteed to leave you nauseous.
The idea of The One also discredits everyone who’s come along prior. In the past few years, I’ve met plenty of guys who were not The One, or even close, but who’ve had a profound impact on my life nonetheless. Had I instantly stopped engaging in these relationships simply because I didn’t think they were candidates for Mr. Right, I wouldn’t have made some very good friends or learned some important lessons about myself. Speaking of which, I pretty much meet a new version of myself every week. How would I know if I’d met my lifelong romantic partner within a similar time frame?
Also, when I do meet somebody with The One potential, the question never does the relationship any favors, other than removing all the chill from the Honeymoon Phase. Take my current boyfriend, for example. I really like him, and he likes me. In our busy schedules, we both actively – and happily – make time for one another. I like the idea of waking up next to him for at least 100 more days, and even entertain the vision of one day arguing with him about wall decor. So, is he The One? Maybe. But, it’s also possible that, at some point in the next few months, I won’t be able to stand his laugh, or I’ll be annoyed every time he sneezes. So, is he not The One? I don’t know! I am, however, learning that I don’t need the answer to give my relationship long-term viability.
My final problem with The One is the implication that every relationship you develop should be in pursuit of some grand finale. Like, once you’ve found The One, you won a life challenge. Congratulations, you can check yourself out of the race now! Nope, that’s called a Hollywood rom-com, and that’s why they make sequels.
I suppose I sound pretty jaded at this point, but I’m actually far from it. I’m not even trying to deny the idea of The One altogether, which makes me a die-hard romantic in today’s world. I suppose I’m just asking you to consider The One as a fluid concept – something that is subject to grow, change, and evolve along with you. The One for you today may not be The One for you tomorrow – and that’s perfectly fine. Embrace every relationship in its current iteration for maximum enjoyment.
