From where I stand, few things are as visually stimulating as Men’s Fashion Week. While the women’s shows have been mildly tarnished by the creative assassins that are commercial and Instagram appeal, men’s fashion still appears to be a repercussion-free playground where the freak flags fly and the wearable sleeping bags blow in the wind. Today we will let our imagination soar right along with them by attempting to imagine what it would be like to, ahem, date some of the brighests characters from the FW17 runways!
Who: The Rick Owens Man-Turtle, he who wears his home on his shoulders.
Where to go: Anywhere, really, although I do advise expediting the relationship directly to communal travel territory to save on hotel expenses. The world is your oyster, so blow up your sleeping bag and cuddle up! There’s also a strong chance that that thing doubles as a parachute, so you can probably attempt skydiving sans additional costs.
What to talk about: PILLOW TALK! God I love my own jokes sometimes.
Who: The CDG Manny
Where to go: To your crazy mother-of-two best friend’s house, so that the two of you can enjoy some girl time while your date plays with the bébés. Not only does he moonlight as a clown, but the apron indicates that he also knows his way around the kitchen, making this a double win! I think those things attached to the apron are made out of rubber, so he can also give them a bath!
What to talk about: Parenting methods, potty training, pooper scoopers, whateva.
Who: Ann Demeulemeester’s Victorian Lovah.
Where to go: There is something delicate and fragile about this man that suggests heightened sensitivity to noise and light, evoking a need for a private locale. There is also something about him that alludes to strong Narcissus tendencies and an adoration of mirrors. The Connaught Bar in London, perhaps?
What to talk about: Talk is cheap, dear. Brush up on your Keats and Blake and get ready to converse in lyrical prose.
Who: Malevich by Gosha Rubchinskiy. A man who wears his intellectual ethos on his sleeve – or on his pant leg.
Where to go: A political protest? Nah, he may be too elevated for politics. Perhaps a vernissage followed by one of those “underground” loft gatherings where “interesting-looking” people sit around surrounded by very expensive objects and time passes by very slowly.
What to talk about: Bauhaus as a social model, globalization vs. nationalism, objective and subjective reality, the meaning of bread, anything else that can evoke the Sartre within.
Who: The coolest kid on the Supreme x Louis Vuitton block.
Where to go: This guy lives an uber-curated life so head directly for uber-cool places à la Dimes in Chinatown, where wait time may or may not be determined by Instagram followers.
What to talk about: I would probably avoid all conversation in fear of being arrested for engaging with a minor. If push comes to shove, discuss the art of the perfect white sneaker. Or just skip the small talk and conspire on selling his in-demand fanny pack to a Japanese billionaire’s son for the asking price of 50K, which is how much they will be going for circa this time next year.
Who: Dior Homme Mosh Pit man.
Where to go: I once date a French guy with a psychedelic print Henrik Vibskov jacket that made people stop and stare everywhere we went. This cape feels like that jacket, but on crack. Spare yourself the looks and head directly to a rave where said cape will become an extension of reality / your head trip and it will all make more sense.
What to talk about: I doubt I could have a conversation with a man with a party orgy emblazoned on his man cape, but hey, that’s just me! Also, you don’t really need to talk, for you will be engrossed in a transfixing revelation about the meaning of life. (Holla back on that one, will ya?)
