The Dbag Dating Guide to American Men

American culture is hardly my forte. Despite living in this country for the past 10 years (three-year-stint in Paris excluded) and being a proud owner of a blue passport that can magically whisk me through the majority of international customs, I can probably tally up the number of American men I have dated on one hand. (New Yorkers don’t count, because, let’s face it, New York is NOT America.) However, I feel that it is my duty as a U.S. citizen to provide this male segment the same Dbag Dating glory that has been granted to  representatives of numerous other cultures. In honor of the upcoming Fourth of July holiday, I would like to introduce the official Dbag Dating Guide to American Men, sourced via personal experience and testimonies of numerous girlfriends!

First, let’s get the cons out of the way..

American men don’t know what they want. Because they want it all. And why would this come as a surprise, given that this is a culture that thrives on concepts such as ‘fast fashion’ and ‘fast food’ and ‘all-you-can-eat buffets’? This overarching penchant for mass consumerism has trickled down to the American man’s dating habits, bolstered by swiping apps that provide instant gratification for their insatiable, bottomless appetites. While I understand that the surplus of fish in the sea can occasionally get overwhelming for everyone, American guys tackle this by attempting to simultaneously gobble up all the fish in one big bouillabaisse, a streamline path to a stomach virus! Pick a nice (Russian) salmon and enjoy it for the rest of your life, dammit!

They are flakey. American guys are capable of pulling disappearing acts that could give Snowden a run for his money. Never have I witnessed men – who, by the way, take bathroom breaks according to their Google Calendars – display such low follow-through in the romantic department. In fact, in recent years, Americans have coining an entire vernacular for creative disappearing skills, leaving us deciphering whether we have been “benched” or “ghosted.” Here’s an idea: why don’t we just condense all of these and call it being “douched!”

They have a twisted relationship with sex. This was emphasized by a number of international girlfriends as the key differentiator of American men. As one Latin friend rightfully pointed out, there is no other country that aligns hookup levels with sports bases, with the ultimate goal of scoring a “home run.” Once American men “score,” they then find it necessary to “perform” by whipping out a manual of porn-inspired moves that often fail to satisfy female desires. As much as I knock the French, I credit them for teaching me to see sex as a natural and fluid progression of human relations, rather than “giving up the goods.”

(Also, what’s up with blow jobs in this country? Because, apparently, they are like Bitcoins for dinner reimbursement!)

They are not great at expressing their feelings. Or being romantic. Once again, this is engrained in the Anglo-Saxon culture (throwing Brits under the bus here), which traditionally teaches boys to be strong and macho Alpha males, resulting in an emotionally-repressed male population. (Listen to this Emma Watson speech and you will understand everything.) If you look at any romantic storyline, from Pride & Prejudice to Nicholas Sparks nonsense, and you will notice a recurring theme of a closed-off guy and a bubbly beauty who opens him up to the magical world of feelings and emotions. Bubbly beauties, you have your work cut out for you!

On the plus side, though..

They are comforting. There is something nice and cuddly about most American men that makes you feel like you are dating a walking slumber party, fried chicken and mindless reality TV included. Is it their dominant height and built? Their penchant for comfort food and acceptance of curvier female silhouettes? Their simplicity and predictability? I’m not sure, but it most definitely beats chomping on carrots in the bony embrace of a miserable Frenchman, an experience that could be used to torture war criminals.

They are hard workers. This country’s meritocratic approach to success has effectively taught American men that Ben Franklin goodness does not grow on trees and that you actually need to work your butt off to ensure yourself a steady paycheck and a cushy retirement plan. On the downside, Americans tend to align success with human value, which is pretty twisted, but let’s not delve on this, because I’m really trying to look on the bright side here, ok?!

Speaking of which..

They are positive. I don’t care if it’s fake. I don’t care if it’s drug-induced and requires an amphetamine injection straight into the bloodstream. It is my firm belief that one cannot fully appreciate the proactive and positive American spirit until they have lived in a country where misery and negativity are more à la mode than Vetements. American men are taught to fix problems and find solutions and never take no for an answer, reflecting the very foundation that this country was built on. Which can lead to great things. Or Donal Trump.

They are simple. And, as Phoebe Philo has taught us, there is beauty is simplicity. American guys don’t overanalyze. They don’t ponder and question and talk in circles and say one thing but mean something completely different. They are driven by basic needs that can be easily fulfilled through the bottom tier of Maslow’s Hierarchy (food, sleep, sex). So, instead of wondering if your man is staring into space because he’s pining for his secret lover, you can safely assume that he is probably staring into space because he’s pining for the Knicks and a burger. And there is a certain comfort in that.

Disclaimer: These are mere generalizations that do NOT reflect each male representative of the US & A. Boys, don’t take it personally. Girls, don’t break up with your American boyfriend screaming lack of depth quite yet!