The No-Cuffing Guide to Winter Survival

dbag dating no cuffing winter survival

Do you remember Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield of Sweet Valley High, i.e. the Jekyll & Hyde of the paperback series generation? Jessica was a dazzling and ruthless b*tch who could mesmerize any man with one impeccably-calculated stare. Her twin sister, Elizabeth, was a mind-numbingly boring model citizen who scared off men with her prudishness (all with the exception of one basic vanilla boyfriend named Todd). They looked the same, but they were polar opposites.

I have come to the conclusion that Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield are the Summer and Winter Me.

Before you call the Looney Patrol, let me elaborate. You see, after a shower-long analysis of the source for my recent writer’s block (oh c’mon, I bet your best thinking is done in the no-iPhone-shower-zone as well), I have concluded that the reason I’m currently struggling for  content is because the Winter version of me is a rather boring individual, a tragic predicament that reflects directly in my dating habits.

Summer Me is the living manifestation of YOLO. She wears jean shorts as a uniform and smiles at everyone in her path. She loves life in all of its vast dimensions: travel, adventures, spontaneous love trysts included. In fact, she’s a bit of a slut – maybe not a slut, but girlfriend sure gets around. She’s down to flee to Rome on the blink of an eye, to commence a spontaneous cross-Channel love affair, or to follow a stranger to an Ibiza beach after an all-nighter. She’s happy. She’s fun. She has a flat stomach. God, I miss her.

Winter Me? She’s a weird one. She spends 90% of her spare time at home. She knows her TV series schedule by heart and lives for Sunday nights, when she gets to catch up on both Shameless and The Good Wife. She hasn’t had a pedicure in a month: as a result, her big toes are painted red and the other 8 look like baby King Kong snacked on them. She thinks that not shaving her legs is a form of birth control, when the reality is that there is nothing to control, because the idea of a man touching her feels weird and neanderthalian. Once in a blue moon, she ventures out into civilization, only to quickly retire back to her Woman Cave and layers of #athleisure.

If you are similar to me and choose to indulge in Immersive Singlehood over the Cuffing Season solution to arctic misery, I have compiled some tips to ensure that your inner Elizabeth doesn’t jump off a ledge survives winter and metamorphoses back to joyous Jessica once the temperature go up.

1. Keep your body active. Yes, getting out of bed every morning feels like a punishment from Satan. Yes, getting out of bed and hauling ass to the gym makes it feel like Satan himself is taking you out for a round of chastisement. Since there is no way I can advocate working out without sounding like a demented Tracy Anderson wannabe (sans 6-pack), I will stick to the trusted Nike approach: JUST DO IT. You know its good for you, you know it will prevent you from investing in ‘fat day’ jeans next month, you know that the dopamine will temporarily aid the sex deficiency. JUST DO IT.

2. Take 1 month off drinking. “Are you a complete masochist?” you may ask, “that’s the only thing keeping me sane!” I get you, sista. In fact, I can almost guarantee that I enjoy my demi-bouteille of Sancerre even more than you do (Russian blood n’ all). And yet, I firmly recommend that you kick the boozefest for one solid month, jump-starting your brain for the rest of the year. There are articles about it. Read them. Put down the bottle. Holla @dbagdating if suffering from withdrawals. Warning: dating sober is tough.

3. Learn something. Duolingo a new language, read the paper, watch an Oscar-nominated film, train your (sober and receptive) brain to get through a book without erupting in ADD-infused confusion. There will be a time in the near future when you’re out on a fancy dinner date and all this knowledge will score you points!

On that note..

4. Go heavy on the dating apps. Follow my golden footsteps and make a folder on your iPhone with an assortment of dating apps (Raya, Bumble, The League being at the top of my list!) Create a winning profile according to these brilliant tips and commit to it for 30 minutes a day. Think of it as training a muscle, as well as stocking up on options for when you’re ready to peel off those cozy cable-knit sweaters.

Speaking of cozy sweaters…

5. Invest in a luxe winter wardrobe. Repeat after me: cashmere & fur. Suddenly, misery feels Russian! And luxe! And almost sexy! In the case that you betray our celibate sisterhood and decide to venture out on a DATE, I have discovered that Zara makes really great “date sweaters” that are loose enough to hide the winter food baby and dip low enough to showcase that well-nourished new winter rack! Knock. Him. DEAD.

Did I just change your life? You welcome. Now, T-1000000 DAYS UNTIL HELL FINALLY UNFREEZES! Let the countdown begin!


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