The Dbag Dating Guide to Italian Men

DD ITALIAN MEN

Of all the men on the planet, it appears that nobody drives women crazy like the Italians. The mere thought of a trip to Italy seems to send most of my girlfriends into daydream overdrive, as they envision themselves  succumbing to the charms of a tall, dark-haired Fellini hero. Personally, I remain skeptical. Something about these fellows’ overly confident attitude makes me mistrust them, not to mention that the lyrical falsetto makes it impossible to understand anything they are attempting to say. Why do they have to sing all their sentences?

And yet, during a recent trip to Capri, I found myself curiously analyzing the crowds of Italian bourgeoisie over my daily spritz at the piazzetta. Everybody seemed so relaxed and excited and happy, lacking the judgement and the pretentiousness of the French.. And the women were glowing – not just from the Mediterranean sun, but from the obvious attention they were getting from the men! I began growing more intrigued by the handsome species who seemed so quick to conquer women’s hearts. Here are a few of my observations, enriched with some stellar insight from an Italian girlfriend. Let’s take a look!

1. Italian men are dapper. Never have I ever seen men dress like this in my life. White jeans, perfectly pressed shirts, crispy pastel blazers, pocket squares… And they smell fantastic, like they all bathed in a tub of Acqua di Gio! It’s impossible to understand who has time for all that pampering and laundering and ironing, until you find out that…

2. They are all mama’s boys. Similarly to to Jewish guys, Italian men never truly grow up. My own Italian experience involves a Roman dentist named Mario who lived with his parents until the age of 30 – three years after they had purchased him his own apartment (presumably to get rid of him)! At 34, he finally resided on his own but still hadn’t gotten around to buying furniture, as he prefers to eat dinner at his mother’s. Oh, and guess who stands to replace Madre Dearest when they wed? On that note: “You must remind them of their mom. If you can’t cook (like me), never tell them that. Pretend you do and just order takeaway,” says my Italian buddy.

3. They expect a lot from their women. This is not the place where “effortless” French gear will do. Every girl in Capri was groomed to an extent that I have previously only witnessed in Russia – think full makeup, off-the-runway Dolce, and torture-via-stilettos-on-cobblestones. On the flip side, all that pampering doesn’t go to waste. My friend, a fellow NYC expat living in France, puts it this way: “When I come to Italy, I remember that I am a woman.”

4. They love to eat and expect you to do the same. (+10000 points!) “Don’t go on a date saying you’re not hungry or you don’t drink. You will lose so many points in that. Drink – Italian men love their wine!”, says my friend. So do I! Maybe there’s a future here.

5. They are (relatively) courteous. While we failed on the Capri dating scene, my girlfriend did manage to have an experience in Napoli with a lovely police officer names Giuseppe. Giuseppe could only speak English via Google Translator, yet this did not stop him from giving us a tour of the city, taking us out for lunch, and driving us to the airport on our last day. Find me a French man who would do that and I will find you a monkey that can play Tchaikovsky. On the accordion. Without hands.

6. They are very passionate.. bullshit artists. “They will tell you the most incredible stories about themselves.. They save planets…Children…Old ladies… Just to win your heart and get you into bed.” Indeed, an hour after professing his undying love for me, Mario the dentist tried to hit on my 22-year-old friend. And, although we did manage to overcome that evening’s dramatics, his love for me faded the day I left Rome. (Since I wasn’t that heartbroken, I still occasionally send him my dental X-rays for second opinion.)

 7. They aren’t that loyal. I recently witnessed one of my girlfriends get swept off her feet by an Italian guy, resulting in some very entertaining vacation adventures. The only glitch? Her Don Juan happened to be engaged, something my friend found out via Facebook an hour after they had bid arrivederci. She wasn’t even stalking him – he had volunteered his information to “keep in touch”.

But, apparently, “if you get the right one, they’re the most incredible men in the world”. They will love you to pieces, shower you with attention, and give you beautiful dark-haired children, resulting in a “perfect Loro Piana family”. Come think, that does sound molto bene.

Thoughts?!

20 Comments

  • Enjoyed your post. I love Italian men, food and culture. You should also check Argentinian men; absolutely gorgeous!

  • This was awesome. Lol. I have an Italian guy Friend and we have been friends for a while but we’re thinking about being more. It’s hard because I’m African American which means we both are very confident (he’s cocky), and out spoken so we do clash a lot. Your description is on point and I just wanted to see what Im getting myself into lol worth a try right? Haha

    • How’s the relationship with your Italian guy friend? I recently started dating an Italian guy but reading this article got me a bit cautious which is why I’m asking about your love life.

  • I always wanted one then i got one for 9 months. Well then i never wanted one again now i come back to the usa and i meet one and get out by him every weekend Be careful what you wish for

  • Met a Carabinieri while I was serving in the U.S. Army in Bosnia in 1999-2000…I was sitting alone at an outdoor Bosnian cafe on base and he just came up to me and asked me to join him for a game of chess…yeah right. He was tall, not dark, but light-skinned (brown hair and blue eyes) and very handsome. Needless to say, I joined him hesitantly….and we exchanged contact info. We had a rendevous in Lake Balaton, Hungary and when I was completley out of the Army, I rendevoused in Rome (where he is from) and now…we are back in touch through email and well…let’s just say he’s still romantic…we shall see! Definitley the best sex I’ve EVER had!!! But, prepareyo

  • I actually find this to be the opposite of Italian men. Having dated both French and Italian, I would say I prefer French men. Italian men are too forward with their comments. I always felt like I was being harassed while in Italy whereas in France the men were more appropriate.

    • To be honest, I share that opinion. I always don’t love Italian accents, makes me feel like I am at the opera, whereas the Frenchies are slightly more subdued…

  • This made me laugh as I adore Italian men…I’m one of those suckers who definitely fall for the ‘I love you’ after an hour bullshit. Having been warned off in Florence last year by a very wise Italian lady it appears I don’t learn. I have a date tonight with an English (Italian parents) man and clearly the behaviours you describe are genetic because he fits all criteria! Haha. Fortunately, I take the whole thing with a pinch of salt and accept it for what it is…fun!
    French men are gorgeous and Spanish?

  • I have a thing for Italians (Just European men in general, but mostly Italian). I’ve been learning the language for a while now and I love hearing it and speaking it. An Italian man is staying in my town for a few more months and I’m completely smitten. He plays games on me and enjoys making things a competition with me. I sometimes catch him watching me and since he’s learned my plans on going to Italy he’s been super excited to see me. I don’t know if he likes me or not because he talks constantly about other girls. If you have any advice or even a comment I’d love to know! Thank you 🙂

  • I am dating an Italian guy and I love it. So gentleman, he has everything a woman wants. They are the best from Europe 🙂

  • My boyfriend is quiet, possessive and bookish Lol I do not know about this list. My boyfriend wants to get married, incredibly family obsessed. This list is like everything my guys is not.

    Except:

    I rolled over in bed and he was texting his mother, her contact name was mama with a row of hearts. I couldn’t read it since it was in Italian but the heart emojis was terribly cliche. To top it off we accidentally dialed his mother during “fun time”, he was mortified that the phone had been connected 23 seconds. He hung up and she called back and told him that despite her.catholicness, she would advise him to.use protection….So yes the mamas are a thing.

    Besides the slight obsession with making me eat enormous food portions, and texting mama, he is a regular guy.

  • I am currently with an Italian man and I swoon when he showers me with kisses. So passionate, so lovely. Very understanding, so nicely dressed, takes his mama to church, cooks for me, washes my dishes, he is a dream. I adore him

  • I met a mature Italian man on a pen pal site. I am also mature, over 50. We have been skyping for months. He has delivered substantiation as to what he does for work. I work, too, in medical research. It’s an atypical situation because he lives there, I live here, yet we seem to have evolved with dialog and pictures, disclosure about finance, homes, goals, family, sex, etc. He is going to fly to the USA after the New Year. I am too Italian. I was raised by parents and grandparents immigrants from Italy. Any tips for when he comes here? He will be staying at a B&B, not at my house. He is paying for it all and has never asked for a thing from me. I never offered. His parents have passed and children are all grown and scattered in Europe. He’s divorce.

    Okay, give it to me straight…..IF you have experience with such, I’d like to hear what you think. Thank you. Grazie

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