The other night, I was hanging out with my girlfriends, reenacting some sad SATC-inspired scenario comprised mainly of Mirandas, when one of the Mirandas (by way of the Bronx) enriched my jargon with a beautiful expression that I previously hadn’t heard of.
Cuffing Season (via Urban Dictionary) – During the Fall and Winter months people who would normally rather be single or promiscuous find themselves along with the rest of the world desiring to be “Cuffed” or tied down by a serious relationship. The cold weather and prolonged indoor activity causes singles to become lonely and desperate to be cuffed.
Suddenly, everything fell into place. The suspiciously friendly text I recently received from a semi-ex? My own attempt to cajole a guy friend into coming over to “drink wine and cuddle”? All of these pathetic pleas have a simple, weather-related explanation, provoked by nothing other than the drop in outdoor temperature. Better yet, said vulnerability presents an excellent opportunity to turn lemons into some mighty fine pisco sours and score a Cuffing Buddy to cuddle up to all winter long!
And now, a few rules of conduct..
1. Don’t be too picky. Remember that, when it comes to Cuffing Buddies, practicality is key – all you have in store for this relationship are sex and food and TV, so he must excel in at least two of these areas. I kid you not, my friend once admitted that the best relationship she ever had was with her local deli man, if only because he would bring her cherries and champagne after each shift and speak only when spoken to. Who the hell wants more than sex and food and TV anyway? Haven’t you guys ever heard of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs?
Exactly.
2. Trick him into thinking you’re homey and cozy. Your goal is to exude a warm and comforting vibe, the female equivalent of a pumpkin spice latte. I recommend stopping the diet and Soul Cycle nonsense immediately – after all, who wants to hold on to a rubbery skeleton on those cold winter night? If you’re like me and can’t cook for sh*t, improvise. The other day, I took a guy I’m seeing to my friend’s house for a dinner party – four tacos later, a much happier man was sitting next to me. Suddenly, I became cozy and homey by association – wherever I go, warmth and happiness (and alcohol) follow!
3. Add some glamour. When in doubt, look to my compatriots – despite living in the land of endless winter, Russians manage to maintain an unparalleled air of glamour via the decadent vices of fur, hard liquor, and rich cuisine. Indulge in all of those, and don’t forget to throw in some sexy lingerie to envelope those caviar-nourished curves! In fact, think of yourself as a luscious Christmas gift, covered in ribbons and ready to be unveiled. I promise you, the deli man will appreciate it.
4. Explore couple activities. Warning: come December, even the gravest of cynics will feel an overwhelming urge to peruse Christmas Markets en couple and smooch passionately under the mistletoe. To which I say YOLO, ice skating with deli man it is! Just don’t forget to keep your eyes on the main prize, aka the joys of fornication.
5. Let it sizzle out organically. I once made the mistake of carrying on a cuffing season relationship way past its expiration date, while simultaneously attempting to keep it casual enough to see other people. The guy being French, the whole thing ended with a jealous rage (his) and a homicidal attempt at a Sunday Sundae party on the Seine (mine). Unless it’s the real deal, cut your losses and get out before somebody gets hurt. (Or falls off a boat. Whoops.)
