How To Get a Valentine in 10 Days

If you live in the Hallmark States of America, as I have the (dubious) fortune of doing these days, chances are that you can’t swing a box of tampons without stumbling across what looks like the rose-toned projectile vomit of a cheap chocolate factory, masquerading as a manifesto of undying love.

(Wow, how bitter did that come out?!)

The truth is that, like most people past the age of sixteen, I could give two loads about Valentine’s Day. (Pardon my soon-to-be-forgotten French.) For the couples, said fête implies obligatory relationship checkmarks in the form of last-minute dinner reservations and overpriced bouquets; for singles, it simply offers an excuse for an extra glass of wine or an extra Gucci splurge or whatever else Hallmark Holidays evoke in those who do not fall under their mass target range. Don’t even get me started on the quadrillion-dollar Valentine’s Day industry, annually serving up processed sugar and poorly-copywritten bullshit without a hint of remorse.

(But, seriously, how angry do I sound?! I am the ANTI-establishment! Like Rihanna!)

And yet, this is a dating blog, and Valentine’s Day is supposed to be to us what fashion week is to a fashion blog, hence I will reward this festivity with some equitably lowbrow content. Without further ado, if any of you are still turned on by the idea of celebrating the death of some hopelessly romantic Saint with cheap milk chocolate, I have put together a number of tips that will ensure the accomplishment of said mission in the matter of the next ten days. Because, according to this brilliant article that you should probably read instead of my scrabbles, most matters can be solved under 5 minutes. With the amount of lead time you have, you could be ENGAGED by February 14th! But that’s another story.

Swipe Strategically. Head to the human meat market that is Tinder-Hinge-Bumble with a defined target in mind. I’m talking about the wholesome-looking boys with the square profiles, the established jobs, the football jerseys, the cute Labradors – all being indicators that they haven’t yet developed Valentine’s Day aversion with the same ferocity that all of New York has developed gluten intolerance. Form beautiful conversations about your respective life paths, hopes and dreams, setting up a romantic-slash-seductive undertone that will inadvertently lead to one of them asking you out on the day of Holy Romance. Note that results are not guaranteed, hence you will have to spread your reach wider, setting your bets on multiple contenders. This scenario is highly time-consuming and best tackled if unemployed. Otherwise, you may have to take a leave of absence to hold up the communication stream. But its worth it! In just ten days, you could be feeding each other prix fixe bolognaise! Like Lady and the Tinder Tramp!

Use your resources. You know how you might be kinda-sorta-seeing-somebody? That’s your chance, girl! First of all, under no circumstances must you utter the dreaded V-word – men can smell desperation with the same acuteness that dogs can smell kobe t-bone steak. Instead, approach it as you would a chess game. Act completely unavailable until the end of next week, slowly crawling towards the other side of the  board, Queen in tow. By Thursday, you should have all your pieces set up exactly the way you want them. Want to hang out? Sure. Friday? Nah, work dinner. Saturday? Nah, best friend’s third cousin’s dog’s birthday. Oops! Looks like Sunday is the only day you can hang! (I can assure you that most guys don’t even knows Valentine’s Day is on Sunday – that nonsense is only activated on the female calendar.) Sunday it is! Checkmate, you have a date!

Call up your ex. SO much easier. Don’t go for the ex who broke your heart or vice versa, just the one you consciously uncoupled with for vague yet unimportant reasons. Warning: You are highly unlikely to get more than a generic Netflix & Chill, hence this is a rather useless endeavor. In fact, said ex can easily be replaced by a friend with benefits, a friend without benefits, a gay bestie, a best friend (Breasts are soft! Pansexuality is trending!), a human pillow.

Wear lots of red. I read this on Wiki How, which is where I plan on seeking answers to all of life’s problems from now on. Apparently, if you walk around looking like a giant red carnation, Cupid will hear your prayers and bring you love and bless you will a giant polyester teddy bear. Or something.

Like dat.

Go to a public place and cry. Crying works miracles. In fact, women could probably single-handedly rule the world, if only they cried strategically, instead of emotionally. Last week, I got a (awesome) bullet-shaped necklace confiscated from my body at JFK security and successfully managed to convince the real-life hybrid of The Rock and the Incredible Hulk to give it back to me. By crying. I also once cried at FedEx on Valentine’s Day while shipping an ex’s stuff back to his house and I swear the FedEx guy almost asked me out for a nightcap.

Find a guy you had sex with in the past 6 months and tell him you’re pregnant. On Valentine’s Day. Trust me when I tell you that he will cancel anything he’s doing that day, potential marriage proposal included. Once the jig is up, pour him a shot and tie him to your couch.

On that sociopath note..

Trap a dude in your house and keep him there until Valentines Day. Could be anybody, really – repair man, delivery guy, messenger – all of these do the trick. Tie him to a chair, feed him a stable diet of candy hearts, make him read E.E. Cummings poems to you as you cry in a corner. (I should write horror films for a living!)

Stand outside with a sign and sing love songs. Crazy loves crazy. You might meet your soulmate.

Auction off a date with yourself. Tell people the money is going to charity; go to Barney’s instead. On that note, I’m available! Auction starts at $10! All proceeds go to my closet! Dbagdating@gmail.com, baby.

Got more creative ideas?! Share, share!