Tinder Time With The Incredible Hulk

I Know How To Pick'Em · Paris · by Marina Khorosh

I am still not ready to discuss my London adventures, mainly because I have yet to process my infinite capacities of making an ass out of myself. However, I will be more than happy to kick-start the New Year with the story of The Incredible Hulk, my lovely first experience with the online Mecca of fleeting connections, otherwise known as Tinder.

On my first week of Tinder back in November (yes, I’m a late adapter), a miracle fell into my hands in the form of an American boy named John. (Oh, you betcha that’s not his real name. I don’t have a death wish quite yet.) John was an Ivy League graduate playing professional football somewhere outside of Paris, and so we agreed to meet up that weekend, for he was coming into the city to see the Parisian catacombs with his friends. (This will all become symbolic quite soon.)

It was a lazy Saturday and, in a moment of boredom, I decided to Google John. I typed in his first name and the name of his university, expecting to find a couple of alumni photos and not much else.. Imagine my reaction when I found out that my evening suitor had been recently been involved in a VERY high-profile media scandal, entailing sexual assault accusations. Somehow, I had managed to find a sexual predator on my first week on Tinder! This, my friends, is talent.

Happy New Year (AKA Your Time Starts Now)

Musings of the Mind · London · by Marina Khorosh

A few weeks ago, I asked my brother (late 30’s, three kids, fairly decent at life) an atypically candid question.

“Do you think I have a chance of getting married anytime soon?”

My brother was quiet, and he’s not a quiet kind of guy. He carefully considered his answer, knowing from experience that one misspoken word can result in many of tears.

“I don’t think that a person who acts like you wants to get married.”

Of course, the obligatory tears ensued. How dare he say this about his perfect sister, a practically born-again virgin with excellent childbearing hips? But after the shitstorm came the calm, and I decided to hear him out.

The Story of Jake Gyllenhaal, or The New Year’s Eve That Never Happened

Editor’s Note: This very timely post comes from a new contributor to this blog, whom I like to call the Loggster. The Loggster is one of my best friends, earning her nickname for being one of the calmest, nicest people I know. (Log -> Boring person -> Loggster. Get it?!) However, she also shares my special Superwoman powers of ATTRACTING ALL THE WRONG GUYS, and so her voice on this site is highly cherished.

Dear Dbag Addict,

In response to your most recent inquiry, “What’s the worst way a guy has ever broken up with you?”, here goes my tale of the New Year’s Eve that never happened.

Prison and Pregnancy is Not a Good Look

Misery Loves Company · by La Yummy Mummy

Editor’s Note: This post is brought to you by a married, adult friend of mine, who has previously appeared on this blog to voice her critique of our carrot-eating friend Bestie. After some thought, we have decided to christen her as the D-Expert, as she appears to be the only voice of semi-reason on this site. Recently, the D-Expert called me, sounding as if she had just cracked the Holy Grail of female mysteries: “I know why you are still single! It’s the PEOPLE in this city!”

Wow, no kidding.

And so, below is the D-Expert’s recount on being 6 months pregnant in the lovely, completely non-judgmental city of Paris!

When Love Gets Virtual

Misery Loves Company · by Marina Khorosh

Since t’is the Season to be Merry and you probably have nothing better to do, lets take a quick survey. How many of these apply to you?

You are currently talking to a guy (girl) on the phone/Facebook/email or some other form of telecommunication on a daily basis.
Whenever something good or bad happens in your life, he (she) is the first to know.
Instead of going out to partake in real life activities, you sometimes stay home to talk to him (her).
When you do go out, you feel guilty talking to other guys (girls). In fact, you don’t really consider yourself single.
However, sex is something you haven’t experienced in awhile.

Is this you? If so, you are suffering from Virtual Relationship Syndrome, the biggest form of human procrastination since Angry Birds.

10 Things I Love and Hate About French Men

Typecasting · by Marina Khorosh

A couple of nights ago, I was sitting in a restaurant with a mélange of expats and some poor Frenchies who had the misfortune of winding up in my presence. With three functioning brain cells left to rub together after days of holiday boozing, I took a receipt and started mapping out a list of reasons why the spawn of Rimbaud and Baudelaire don’t seem to be doing it for me in the romantic sense.

While the original version of this document is now lost, I believe that it went somewhat like this.