How to Be Single on the Holidays (the French Way)

I thought I had alleviated some of the misery that comes with being single on the holidays when I moved to Europe. After all, isn’t the majority of it simply America’s ploy to market us an eggnog-scented illusion of happiness, proliferated by Christmas songs by the likes of Justin Bieber?

Nuh-uh, it turns out that Paris is flooded with even more holiday memorabilia, ready to jump at you from every corner. Blocks from my office, a Christmas market glistens menacingly, polluted by happy couples ice skating and bingeing on gluhwein. The Galeries Lafayette shitshow puts its Saks Fifth Avenue counterpart to shame. The goddamn tower is the biggest mockery of it all, sticking its head out at you on every corner, as if to chant “I am the global symbol of romance. Your mere presence in my company is insulting.”

I was going to write a really Glamour magazine-ish post on how to count your blessings, make a million positive resolutions, ice skate with your girlfriends, and generally find peace within your single self. But then I decided not to, because I did not start this blog to be a hypocrite, or to induce naptime. (Clearly, I started it ruin it to ruin my good name and ensure that I NEVER get married. Duh.)

Instead, I came up with an innovative plan on handling this Holiday Season.

MAKE ALL YOU MISTAKES THIS YEAR.

Why do in 2014 what you can do in 2013? You have 15 days left until the new year. That’s 15 stupid decisions you can make! That’s 15 stories you can tell me! Also, this way, maybe you will be all mistaked-out by the time 2014 rolls around, ready to hop on that new year with a fresh new attitude (or just a new happy pill prescription). Sometimes, you have to hit rock bottom before you can rise up. You will never hear a French woman bitch about being single on the holidays. Why? Because she’s not eating her feelings in chocolate and cuddling under the covers with her dog. No, she’s out there buying herself sexy lingerie and having illicit rendez-vous with her lover du jour. She is never too concerned about the consequences, and you shouldn’t be either.

Therefore, here are some suggestions on how to spice your life up now, today, tomorrow. I apologize in advance to your therapists. If this blog is ever a commercial success, feel free to send me the bill.

1. Message the Disappearing Dbag, your ex, or whatever other Ghost of Boyfriends Past has been haunting you for months. Have sex with him and realize once again why you guys will never work out. Or, better yet, make a date and stand him up – there is nothing more gratifying than a little retribution. Exploit this one to the end, ensuring that he’s out of the picture by 2014.

2. Take advantage of those holiday parties and DRINK UP. Wear a tantalizing dress and engage in coitus somebody from senior management. (I would never actually dare to do this, but it seems very French.) If you work in fashion, this is a lost cause, but maybe you could give same-sex relations a try? In any case, live a little.

To the role model of all messes.

3. If you’re not French, you may not be able to get over your adventurous pursuits that easily. At this point, I recommend seeking guidance from the Brits (they are, by nature, more prone to misery). Let Bridget guide you in your path to self-pity. Eat your feelings, drink them, quench them with illegal substances. Sing. Cry. Sing while crying. Continue feeling things.

Just like that.

4. Become French again and buy yourself an amazing sex toy. How cool would it be to actually own a leather whip? With tassels? Like those fringy leather bags that Sienna Miller used to wear? (Mom, please don’t read this. I am still the daughter you raised so diligently.) Go on Tinder and recruit a bunch of dates. Have an audition for the testing of the leather whip. Here, I recommend applying the buddy system, as things could go left quickly.

5. Buy yourself something else disgustingly expensive. I am an intern so I cannot afford such luxuries, but The Drama Magnet is rewarding herself with a completely unnecessary pink Celine coat this Christmas. Not one single rational married person buys themselves peachy pink Celine coats. Not one. But, guess what? You are single, so credit card debt is an option.

Let’s all finish this one together. What’s on YOUR bucket list for the remaining 15 days of 2013? The one secret fantasy that you absolutely cannot postpone till the next year? The one dumb decision that you are just itching to make?

For lack of financial resources, I think I will have to go for number 1 here. Et vous?!

USE THE COMMENT BOX. IT AIN’T GONNA BITE.