Yesterday was Mother’s Day, an event I usually reserve merely for celebrating my own mother, the unsung hero. And yet, this year was different. Blame it on my ripe age or my atypically happy relationship status, but, this year, the entire Mother’s Day production somehow seemed bigger, brighter, more personal. Every man I saw navigating through Tribeca with a child and bouquet in hand seemed to speak directly to me, beckoning questions. Will it ever be me enjoying a Mother’s Day massage while my partner hunts down a decent bunch of peonies? If so, when?
It was a novel voice speaking, one that I am still quite unfamiliar with and don’t know how to include in the free-spirited chaos of the United States of Marina. And so, I decided to get to know it via a little admissions interview. Without further ado, here is a conversation between Marina, the responsibility-phobe who is happy living out of a suitcase, and Masha, the traditionalist who feels quite behind on the whole baby train and has emerged out of the woodwork to ruin my life.
Marina: Hi. Who are you and what are you doing here disturbing my morning run and my nomadic bliss?
Masha: I am the VOICE OF REASON, you demi-toddler. I was waiting patiently for years for you to grow up, but, clearly, you have no intention of doing so.
Marina: Oh, in that case, you can leave immediately.
Masha: No chance. I am here for the next decade, minimum. Anyways, let’s get to business. I was scrolling through Instagram this AM and I noticed that ALL your friends have kids.
Marina: Yes, in Russia.
Masha: No, not just in Russia – people all around you are settling down. But not you. You are still vagabonding around the world with no zip code to call your own.
Marina: Yes, and I love it. I don’t have baby boulders chained to my feet and can do anything I want!
Masha: Like what, exactly?!
Marina: Like travel! And work at my own pace! And roam around eating food samples at Whole Foods! That is FREEDOM!
Masha: That is meaningless. You are wasting your time on self-absorbed nonsense. Look at all your friends on Instagram and their cute little bundles of joy!
Marina: Social media is a farce! Those “cute little bundles of joy” are money-sucking human handcuffs. All my friends who are parents are EXHAUSTED and complaining all the time! By the way, do you know the cost of decent childcare in the US?
Masha: Cry me a river.
Marina: And you grow me a dollar tree! Do you understand that the rest of my life will be spent thinking about private school costs?!
Masha: Yes, that’s called being an adult.
Marina: Okay, fine. And what about my career? Because, as much as they say that “women can do it all,” we all know that motherhood forces you to temporarily put your career on the back burner. I have projects to finish, things to do!
Masha: No, all you have is a bunch of excuses. There will never be a perfect time.
Marina: Yes, but the point is that I HAVE time.
Masha: Keep telling yourself that.
Marina: We live in 2018, you archaic twit. May I remind you that life expectancy is longer, giving people more space to make important, LONG-TERM decisions? I am not alone here. Many educated, intelligent people are all waiting until their mid-thirties.
Masha: No comment.
Marina: Also, I don’t even know if I want to get married. I have zero desire to comply to society’s “norms” and subscribe to an institution that perpetuates co-dependence.
Masha: Just pipe down and have a baby then.
Marina: But I don’t feel ready! Also, have you even seen me around kids? I get bored in ten minutes. How do I even know that I will be a good mother?
Masha: You don’t. You just have to wing it.
Marina: It’s a child, not an exercise class! Even if I do want a kid, what do you suggest I do, exactly?
Masha: Poke a hole in the condom!
Marina: We have been dating for eight months, you certified psychopath. Also, is that even legal?
Masha: In Russia it is! Also, eight months in Russia is a lifetime.
Marina: So go back there before you ruin my life!
Masha: Don’t worry, you’re doing just fine on your own. Now, let’s go to Tribeca and look at more babies!
😂😂😂 the exact convo i have with myself on a daily basis!
Hi Marina,
I thought about my previous comments and I was unsure if they provided solutions.
I read Louisa May Alcott the other day and she wrote that you need two components when finding love which is 1) a good man and 2) time for that love to grow.
(Tinder)
Which is why Tinder and all other modern-day apps are sinister. They rob you of that precious component necessary for love to grow – time. Because even if you happen to meet someone you like and go out on a date with him, stakes are pretty high. You either fall in love with each other and you have to stay in touch or it’s bye-bye.
I also found Tinder to be pretty soul-crushing. We either chat and connect NOW or we unmatch. I think this puts a lot of pressure on both guys and girls and they lose poise.
When I met someone nice on Tinder (2 years ago), I knew he was nice because he showed me a picture of him in real time (therefore I could trust that he’s authentic) and he suggested we move things to text (because Tinder is toxic)
So if someone meets someone on Tinder, perhaps adding them to Skype could work? That way you could meet each other when you’re both online, and (before meeting up) it’d be possible to verify that the other person is who they say they are via cam.
(Friendship)
The key point is take time to build friendship with someone, and give them space and time (I also wouldn’t talk to a guy 6 hours every day because it’s important to give him some space for him to miss you) so they develop romantic and fuzzy feelings. If you’re constantly keeping them company, they don’t miss you, therefore they don’t need to think about you and miss you.
When I spoke to my friends how did they find guys that ended up becoming their boyfriends, most of them said the same thing which was “we were friends first for a long time”. I believe that.
When you click with someone right, there’s flow to things. Platonic love doesn’t hurt. People underestimate Platonic love because it’s not as exciting. The other day I was talking to a new friend (like a girl friend) who was telling me about her boring MA but then I froze.
When did I become that person? I mentally discarded someone JUST because they spoke about their boring masters even though they were treating me fair and right. But when did I develop that mind set where I didn’t need new (girl) friends?
You know when people say how opposites attract? I found that similarities attract whether it’s background, values, culture, goals, life experiences, way of communication.
(Context and demographics)
So a couple of things:
Demographics. Where would bad guys hang out? Where would good guys hang out? Bad guys would never go to church, volunteer or take evening courses at New School. Bad guys wouldn’t take a lot of time to work with you and get to know you beforehand.
However, would bad guys use Meet-up? YES! Just showing up one time and then doing your own thing is easy. Would bad guys use Reddit? Hell yes.
Say if you take a class together (longer than 12 weeks), it’s easy to start talking and to find that context for things to seem natural and organic. It’s easier to come up to someone and say “Hey Matt, I missed class on Wednesday, any idea what happened?” — it’s natural, he doesn’t feel pressure (neither do you) but it gives you both context to interact from a place of respect.
(Stress and emotional investement)
I mentioned that I met one decent guy via apps. That’s true BUT I still wouldn’t use apps at all because, remember — 95% of my experiences were negative or disappointing or disgusting.
That ratio is simply bad investment of people’s time.
When people say they heard someone meeting their husband/wife or Tinder (a friend of a friend), I consider it an urban myth.
Not to mention that even dating someone nice makes you feel a lot of stress, let alone bad guys on apps using fake profiles because they are insecure or if they like mind games.
The internet was very different before 2012 where people felt safe online (when you feel safe and comfortable, it’s much easier to fall in love and daydream) and now, when hate and fear are what’s online. If you’re afraid and hateful, it’s impossible to open up, let alone feel safe and friendly.
Thanks for writing this interesting blog and if something good happens to you, please share how you got there. I’m sure your readers would like to learn how to find good things, too!
Laura
P.S.
I just rememberd this quote by Nietzche: “Sensuality often hastens the ‘Growth of Love’ so much that the roots remain weak and are easily torn up.”
Ahahah, nothing like the pressure of the Inner Russian voice of reason…. All my friends in Russia have 2-3 kids by now, and some have already divorced and re-married (some more than once).
My brother posted a photo of him on fb last week holding a cat, when his friend (a guy) from middle school in Russia (we left for Canada around this time) commented: “That should have been a photo of you holding a child.”
OH MY GOD that cat thing is priceless. Thank you for that!!
Hahah, no problem! Always happy to contribute!