The Text Hoverer

This brilliant theory is brought to you by a young comedian I met this week named Jared Freid (@jtrain56).

The Text Hoverer – the guy who is always on your radar via the multiple connecting touch points of your smartphone device (iMessage, WhatsApp, Snapchat for those of you who think they’re tweens), but never goes as far as instigating physical interaction. According to Jared, the goal of the Text Hoverer is to gain trust through consistency of communication, which enables him to bypass the traditional time and cost-consuming dating methods and shoot straight for the late night booty calls.

In simple English: You meet a guy online, start texting with him all day every day, feel like you kinda know him, kinda trust him, without ever spending actual one-on-one time with him. The next thing you know, he’s texting you to hang out at 1am, which doesn’t seem all that weird since you pretty much talk to him at the same frequency as your best friend. The next thing you know, you’re in bed with a person you’ve known for a total of two hours. Sounds familiar? Oui, oui, moi aussi.

From the moral standpoint, its shameful and disgraceful. From the financial standpoint, its kind of brilliant. According to Jared, there is even a mathematical equation present: 5 text message interactions = 1 date. Considering that each date costs about $100 (here in America, men pay for you), that’s like $300 saved on a guy’s path to getting laid. If he broadens his reach and targets multiple bait simultaneously, he can save thousands of dollars from the comfort of his toilet seat. (For some reason, that’s where I imagine basic bros Tindering.)

The best way to deal with a Text Hoverer?

A – (The smart woman’s approach.) Don’t respond and wait for him to actually ask you out during daylight hours, which probably won’t happen. Move on.

B – (My approach.) Seek revenge for female-kind by agreeing to meet up at 1am and then YAPPING HIS EARS OFF. Talk about your feelings, talk about your boss, talk about your childhood English teacher, talk about the denim culottes you’re thinking of buying but don’t know if they will be flattering on your butt. Talk until he is physically convulsing in pain. He thought he was going to get some? Well, he did – he got a part of your soul!