Ask a Matchmaker: What do Women and Men Really Want?

What Men and Women Want_Dbag Dating

Remember that scene in What Women Want when Mel Gibson is granted the ability to tap into women’s inherent desires? Well, that’s how Emily Holmes Hahn of LastFirst Matchmaking feels on a regular basis. The sounding board to the romantic preferences of New York’s single set, she generously volunteered to let us in on the perennial mystery: what is it that we are all looking for?!

What Women Want

1. Confidence. All the women we meet at LastFirst are seeking a confident man. There are many formal theories on this, but I ultimately think that women want partners who inspire them to embody the best version of themselves. Insecure men tend to either become pushovers or project their insecurities onto their significant others.

Marina: Just beware of the false bravados that tend to crumble at the first sign of a problem! 

2. Humility. This trait masquerades under different monikers: kindness, groundedness, self-awareness, non-arrogance, etc. Most women can’t stand men who brag or act superior to them. Showing off is actually a common crutch for men, particularly if they’re nervous, so we often advise our clients to let a woman discover their accomplishments organically!

3. Humor. Girls love a guy who can make them genuinely laugh. Many, including myself, believe that a great sense of humor is the flip side of intelligence!

Marina: Humor is also an indicator that a man doesn’t take himself too seriously, cf. humility.

+ A few runners up…

Height. Paradoxically, it’s usually the shortest women who are seeking the tallest men!  I like to challenge these XXS women to ask themselves whether a two-foot height gap is imperative to their attraction, as most men of average height are still a lot taller than them and can offer that coveted feeling of protection (which is biological and completely legitimate, by the way!)

Hair. Women love an amazing head of hair! If a man has thinning hair, we’ll actually recommend a buzz cut, or any style that makes it look intentional. They also love a touch of gray or silver.

Marina: And they say men are vain!

Instagram score.  To this day, it never ceases to surprise me when a woman says: “Well, I worked really hard on my following, so I want to be with someone with a similar mentality.” In our Instagram era, many women who publicize their lives online want a partner who understands these priorities– and won’t mind snapping 42924892 outfit angles before dinner!

Marina: That sounds healthy. 

Social life. Women who inhabit the world of galas, Art Basel, Burning Man, Summit Series and all the other “show off and tell” events society has to offer, often state that they are looking for somebody who could easily integrate.  

Marina: Dear leftover men who DON’T do those things – call me!

 

What Men Want

1. “Intellectual curiosity.” Clients often tell us they want a “smart” woman, to which we always ask for elaboration. Sometimes they give us tangible criteria based on education or work experience. For the most part, the responses run along the lines of “desire to experience new things” and “curiosity about the world.” In our office, the term “intellectually curious” is in frequent rotation.

2. Looks. I hate to say this, but I also have to be honest. Everyone wants to feel attracted to their partner. Men happen to be extremely visual beings, which means that much of said attraction stems from a woman’s looks. There really isn’t one preferred “type,” other than a woman who takes care of herself and has visible pride in her appearance.

Marina: SHOCKER.

3. Enthusiasm. Ladies, listen up: If you feel the spark, don’t play hard-to-get! Women often default to acting indifferent to secure a man’s interest, but I see this backfire all the time. Men are not mind readers and often need a cue that things are going well. They love a woman who is honest and confident enough to show her excitement about getting to know them!

+ A few runners up…

Long hair. Long and luscious! Yup, as much as it pains me to say this on the cusp of 2019, most men still love that voluminous, wavy Victoria’s Secret-esque bombshell look. Actual science also confirms: men associate long hair with femininity, health and, believe it or not, fertility!  

Marina: I say, cut it short and use it as an elimination process!

Nails. You might think he won’t notice your chipping 3-week-old mani, but I have five years of matchmaking to prove you otherwise. Manicured, medium-to-long nails are the common preference – just don’t misinterpret and grow out talons that double as violent weapons for your next date! Little length = lots of sexy.

Au naturel. When is comes to cosmetic enhancements, the vote is split. Implants tend to be particularly polarizing— men either love them or hate them. Some men revere a filler-and-Botox-sculpted face as “movie star beauty,” while others can spot a frozen muscle from a mile away. And, for the icing on the cake: almost all men state that they prefer a “no-makeup” look (little do they know how much Glossier goes into that…)

Marina: Men are blind to light Botox, and so is the rest of the world. In fact, Botox in moderation is the Sauvignon Blanc for the skin n’ soul! 

“Hamptons, St. Barth, St. Tropez.” Seemingly harmless, these locales are often viewed as red flags for a high-maintenance woman. If you do enjoy them, just note something along the lines of  “I love the Hamptons – especially in the fall when the crowd leaves!”

Marina: Or try “I love driving around the Hamptons with a Star Map and a Forbes list!” 

 

What Everyone Wants (and Doesn’t Want)

The cat conundrum. I’m not sure why, but cats have become a very trendy dealbreaker.  Many people say that they couldn’t be with a partner who owned a cat, for reasons that go beyond allergies.

Dietary restrictions. Another popular trend is the eat-to-live vs. live-to-eat debate. Many self-appointed “foodies” specify that they couldn’t be with a vegan or someone who kept a really strict diet.

Marina: 2018 is very complicated.

Schedule.  By the time they reach a certain age, most people have usually formed their careers, friendships and hobbies, and aren’t too keen on shuffling their priorities to accommodate a partner. And yet, relationships are compromise,  so it’s important to keep your “single mentality” in check, otherwise you may miss out on something special.

Positivity. Nobody wants a partner who constantly complains. Nobody. A happy and positive demeanor isn’t just appealing, it’s also incredibly rare in today’s downer of a dating-scape!

Marina: True dat. My 2019 resolution is to stop complaining. HA!

Self-love. At the end of the day, the hopeless romantic in me still believes that the right person will simply love you for you. Because, regardless of height, hair, or humor, the one attribute that is by far the most attractive to both sexes is self-love. If you know your own worth, the person you are meant to be with will know it too.

Marina: Amen!

 

For more insight from Emily, click here

For my stint with matchmaking, click here

Have a question for our resident matchmaker? Send us an email or just DM me on Instagram like the young folks do! 

4 Comments

  • This is really interesting!
    I’m surprised that nothing was mentioned about a woman’s culture and class, which some men I dated in the past found important (especially when meeting the parents). I suppose I’ve been dating quite a few Europeans..

    • Is this really a thing in Europe?! If so, I’m never moving there. I couldn’t imagine myself putting up with a snooty German or French mother-in-law and their remarks to my “class”. How antiquated… I guess if this is the case I’ll stay in Good Ol’ America where everything is possible.

      • Hahah I’m with you on that. Anna, I think what you are referring to is part of the “intellectually curious” criteria that Emily mentioned..

  • Marina your comments on these “requirements” are gold! Please, do date one of the guys whose life doesn’t revolve around selfies at Burning Man and Art Basel (barf). Lololol to the women who think their IG following is important and want, nay DEMAND, the same of their partners. Although, hm…I suppose if that level of mutual narcissism is safely paired off, all the better for everyone else—people with depth.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *