The Dbag Dating Career Scorecard


I know you’re supposed to be what you eat, and how you act, and who your friends are. And yet, I firmly believe that a large  part of who you are is what you do. A nobody at a bar can suddenly metamorphose into God via the word “cardiologist”, while a gorgeous stranger can diminish all his appeal by mentioning that he is a retail employee and a photographer on the side. (Unless you happen to be like me and are inherently attracted to losers.) In any case, I love to judge men by occupation, and today, I teach you to do the same via this brilliant little scorecard, positioned roughly by diminishing Dateability value.

The Finance Guy                                                                        

I am still confused when it comes to finance guys, partially because of the overly wide sample pool I experienced while living in NYC, and partially because I have never dated one for long enough to form an educated opinion. From my own personal experience, they are rather boring and one-dimensional, seeing the world through a numeral prism that no amount of expensive art purchased at Art Basel can help. On the flip side, half of my friends married them, hence I assume that they come with virtues of money and stability.

Dateability: 8 / 10

Usually date: Fashion girls, models, other well-packaged women.

The Doctor

On one hand, brilliant. Selfless and respectable and pretty damn smart, considering that they had to suffer through the pain that is chem & bio x 365 days x 8 years. On the other hand, a nightmare, as many of them suffer from wrongful belief that they are God’s gift to humankind (for further elaboration, please read Doctor Douchebag Part I and Part 2). The appeal of dating doctors also depends on when you meet them in life. If you meet them BR (Before Residency), be prepared to be an Army Wife of sorts, seeing your half-zombie excuse of a boyfriend / husband exclusively on weekends and annual vacations. The problem is, if you don’t snatch them up BR, they are usually taken by a fellow med student / nurse / doctor by time their Board exams roll around.

Dateability: 6/10

Usually date: High-school sweethearts, fellow medical professionals.

The Lawyer

I love the way a lawyer’s brain works. Lawyers are shrewd and logical and – according to this survey, – slightly psychopathic, and I truly thrive on being in this side of the human crazy chain. However, I have heard that they are nightmarish to date, namely because you will never win an argument in your life. Similarly to doctors, must be snatched up before they enter the Inferno that is law school, or ten years later, when they are on their first divorce.

Dateability: 7/10

Usually date: Models, fellow lawyers-turned-housewives.

The Hustler – Entrepreneur

I love me a good hustler. A man’s business sensibility and desire to make money is undeniably sexy, as best illustrated by any character ever played by Jeremy Piven. It shows that he wants to be the breadwinner, which consecutively makes you want to jump his balls. On the downside, there is nothing a hustler likes more than a conquest, which often applies to their personal life, causing them to continuously pursue new challenges on that front. (Hello P. Diddy!)

Dateability: 8/10

Usually date: Ideally, beautiful women who can hold them by the balls. Non ideally, 20-year-old models.

The Nerd (Computer Programmer / Scientist / etc.)

Amazing! Nerds usually grow up in complete video-game-driven isolation, and so the sole notion of scoring a hot chick will never cease to impress them, causing them to appreciate you and cherish you forever. They also have the capacity of developing the next big multibillion dollar application, putting them right up there of the male food chain. On the downside, have a tendency to be slightly socially awkward, a direct effect of growing up in Second Life.

Dateability: 9/10

Usually date: Other smart people.

The Advertising Guy                                                       

Advertising guys are creative guys and business guys mixed together, hence they present a perfect package, at least for me. We can talk LVMH strategy for hours and reference back to Apple’s 1984 as opposed to Orwell’s.. And yet, I never seem to like any of them in the romantic sense, quickly moving them into Friend Zone based on common interest. However, my Yummy Mummy best friend married one, and there is nothing like watching my creative hubby-in-law produce priceless little Polaroid baby books for all of his baby’s life landmarks.

Dateability: 8/10

Usually date: This is an ADD personality type that should be calmed down by a calm, rational individual.. Maybe this is why it never works out for me?

The Restaurateur

Terrible. You know how most restaurants stay open late at night, until the last customer is out the door? Well, unless you are dating André Balazs, you are pretty much guaranteed that he will be staying there right along with them, ensuring everything runs smoothly. He will arrive home at 3am, exhausted, smelling like food, and collapse right into bed. During his days off, he will not be in the mood to converse or go out to eat, because that’s what he does for a living. On the upside, you will get unlimited free meals and a constant hangout spot for all your friends.

Dateability: 4/10

Usually date: Patient Saints.

The Nightlife Impresario

I almost don’t want to waste the energy writing this one. My question is, would you even go there? Unless you happen to enjoy the nightlife setting and want to perch yourself on a banquette for the next 30+ years, guzzling on a vodka-cranberry while shooting at sixteen-year old models with a BB gun, disregard this breed of humans forever.

Dateability: 0/10

Usually date: Models, masochists.

The Creative (Artist / Musician / DJ / Fashion Guy / Photographer/ Writer)

Ah, my own personal kryptonite. Usually interesting and sensitive and capable of pondering the meaning of life until wee hours. However, can be also highly narcissistic and selfish and completely inept when it comes to other areas, such a as bills and mortgage payments and real estate – i.e. REAL LIFE. Skip!

Dateability: 3/10

Usually date: Me!

The Actor

Actors like to think / talk / have the orbit revolve around themselves. They are also insecure as hell and depend entirely on public opinion to make themselves happy. If you’re ready to deal with that, kudos to you! Same applies to male models.

Dateability: 1/10

Usually date: Depending on levels of intelligence – fellow actresses for a double dose of ego; normal people to bring them back to earth.

Am I right? Am I wrong? Let’s talk about this!!

One Comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *