With a Little Help from Your Friends

Call me a naive Babysitter’s Club byproduct, but I can’t wax enough poetic to female friendships. In an ecosystem where every other touchpoint – men, work, even family – are often imbued with headache and chaos, friends are akin to a glass of Sauvignon Blanc – predictable, dependable, a surefire temporary refuge from your issue du jour. Having stumbled upon many of those over the years, I couldn’t be more grateful to my globally-dispersed gaggle of girlfriends for their emotional support and endless patience!

I say “gaggle,” because it often takes a small village of friends to pick you up from life’s proverbial gutter and hustle you back to sanity. Just like one should not expect their partner to fulfill all their needs, one cannot realistically expect one friend to simultaneously fill the role of mentor, advisor, wing woman, cozy shoulder to cry on, etc. Instead, it is best to amass a handful of trusted confidants to  emotionally exploit  rely on in the perennial hamster wheel that is life. Without further ado, here they are, in diminishing order of importance.

P.S. Don’t forget that friendship is a two-way street and all that. Where a lot is given, a lot is expected!

 

The Saint

This is one of the most important friend you can have – mainly because of all the money she will save you on therapy. In fact, this human should probably be sent to a lab and cloned, for she is a scientific enigma made entirely of the virtue that is Patience. She may have skipped lunch and dinner and her bladder may be ready to burst, and yet she is still there, listening to you regurgitating the same nonsense for hours at a time, while releasing perfectly-timed sympathetic sighs. Keep her around, treat her like gold, bribe her with Balenciaga – do whatever it takes to keep her around, for she is integral to your emotional well-being (and your bank account).

 

The No B.S. Friend

Equally indispensable, but in a different way. You see, everything the Saint patiently metabolizes, the No B.S. friend rejects by definition, swiftly shattering all your self-indulgent delusions and replacing them with the COLD, HARSH TRUTH. She is there to rip apart the bullshit artists, to shatter your fantasies of converting them into life companions, to remind you that time is House and it always wins. Her words can hurt but it is pain akin to that of Soul Cycle – a painful-yet-necessary mean to a happy end.

By the way, mine lives in Paris and you can rent her by the hour!

 

The Goop-y Friend

This is the friend who usually has her own life semi-figured out and has the innate wisdom to deliver smart, non-judgmental theories that all sound like a hybrid of Esther Perel and The Secret. You always feel a little bit calmer and wiser after conversing with this person, a proxy effect that doesn’t last too long and should hence be cherished.  A few lines from my own set include: “it only takes one,” “there is somebody for everybody,” and “everything happens for a reason.” Yes, they are all clichés, but, as Gwyneth Paltrow has taught us, all it takes is a modern-day Stepford for a banality to become a life mantra.

 

The Yes-Woman

The Yes-Woman is the friend who is down for anything – like sharing an impromptu bottle of wine (or three), or going on a random double-Raya date, or hopping on a plane to the South of France to wear skimpy mini dresses with you. She puts the F into Fun and makes you remember that there is an entire life outside of the little oasis of misery you have created in your own head. After the age of 30, she is rare. Cherish her and don’t let her get into a relationship at any cost!

 

The Feminist Friend 

Also a very important person for your morale – for a different reason. The Feminist  friend takes you to the Wing and spoon-feeds you Simone de Beauvoir and tells you that you are a strong bird who doesn’t need no man-fueled propellers to soar. Before you know it, your problems are disqualified, squandered, proclaimed unworthy of your Inner Goddess. Amen.

 

The Frenemy

Nope, not kidding. It is my firm belief that there is nothing like having one select friend who is not 100% on your side to really keep your drive in check. We are all competitive creatures who need to have something to prove – and somebody to prove it to. I’m not even making this up, there is actual evidence that love-hate relationships (i.e. “ambivalent relationships”) contribute to empathy, perspective and ambition! So keep them around – IN MODERATION.

 

Your Mom

Nope, I didn’t break the diminishing order of importance – because moms are not even a part of the list! Moms are the outliers, the enigmas, the only people in this universe who are 1000% on your side (in the luckiest cases, of course). Keep ’em close and call ’em every day!