Once upon a time, there was a blogger who went on a million bad dates, but she was a good sport about it, and she laughed them off, and she hoped for the best. And then, one day, Prince Charming came riding along on an Uber Luxe, and the rest was history..
Sounds like the synopsis of an unfortunate Tinderella web series that never makes it into the second season? Not exactly. This naïve spiel happens to be my own long-standing inner narrative – at least, up until this past February.
To my credit, I had always been a dreamer, someone who favors crafting colorful storylines in lieu of facing reality in its bleaker palette. When I was little, I would ease the misery of Saint-Petersburg winters by mentally beaming myself into the Southern California world of my literary idol, Sweet Valley High’s Jessica Wakefield. Jessica’s life was never short on fun and glamour and excitement, and I resolved to one day live up to it, IRL.
Ladies, our resident Freud has spoken and all of your romantic cases are now closed!
For those who have no idea what I’m talking about, a couple of weeks ago I offered the unique opportunity to outsource your dating woes to a real, live, cynicism-laden Frenchman. Today, I proudly present the first round of his wisdom. Not to toot my own horn, but I may have tapped into a psychoanalytic goldmine here – Carpe Diem and send in your questions before his generosity fades! (DM @dbagdating! And follow it too!)
NB #1: If your question is below, please excuse my editing and emoji embellishment. Attention spans are low; desperate measures are imperative.
NB #2: If we have missed the deadline of your dilemma, we apologize. We hope that this did not jeopardize your romance and this insight will still prove to be useful!
In the age of predator crackdowns and pussy-grabbing presidents, women are adamant about their desire for conscientious men. They want partners who are not threatened by strong females, who are in tune with their emotional selves and are not afraid to talk about their feelings, or cry, or meditate, or whatever.
Or so they think. Clearly, none of them have ever actually been out with a Highly Emotional Male, i.e. the Pink Panther.
A unique opportunity has come our way. Thanks to my innate powers of manipulation persuasion, I have solicited a real live MAN to consult you on your dating woes. And not just to any man, but a Frenchman, the very same one who inspired our recent “A Frenchman Opens Up About Dating in America” tout de force!
Whether he will wreak havoc on your love life with his French cynicism, or reinvigorate it with his candid wisdom (prime example here!), remains to be seen. Regardless, I would like to preliminarily excuse myself from all liability for his advice. Listen discerningly; proceed at your own risk.
Without further ado, please share your romantic woes in the comment section below, DM them on Instagram, or email them to email@example.com.
Editor’s Note: Over the past four years, I have practically made a (pro bono) career of analyzing the French and their laissez-faire stance on everything, dating included. And so, I thought it would only be fair to finally give la parole to one of their representatives – a Frenchman who has spent the past nine years acclimating himself to l’amour à l’Americain. Since he refused to pen down his observations (French people are SO stubborn), I had no choice but to stick a tape recorder under his nose and allowed myself some “creative liberties.”
The First Date
The first thing you learn when you start dating in America is that it truly is a Land of Opportunity. Not because you can make anything out of yourself, not because hard work will take you far in life, but, because, no matter who you are or where you hail from, YOU WILL GO ON MULTIPLE FIRST DATES. You can have the vocabulary of Donald Trump or look like Steve Bannon and Quasimodo’s love child – it doesn’t matter. You are, above all, a DINNER PROVIDER, destined to routinely nourish the female population of this country with overpriced sushi. And so, nourish them you will.
Those seeking a metaphor for the slightly, um, over-the-top attitudes that define our country, need to look no further than Halloween. On the one hand, you have those who spend the entire month of October assembling theatrical Marie Antoinette getups or crafting human-size versions of their favorite tacos. On the other, you have the “sexy” costume for every occupation under the sun, which generally results in a parade of seminude firefighters, doctors, and police officers on the street come October 31. But where does this leave the rest of us, those who still want to be part of the festivities but have long retired DIY projects or packaged pleather? Curious, I decided to source some tips from a people who historically pride themselves on taking a more measured approach to just about everything—food, politics, design—the French.