The Time I Ran For Love

I Know How To Pick'Em · Paris · by Marina Khorosh

One night in early November, a few friends and I attempted to see an expo at the Musée d’Orsay. Finding it closed, we switched routes and wondered over to La Palette, a Saint-Germain brasserie populated with a mix of local boujis and international Eurotrash. In the corner of the outdoor patio sat a familiar-looking man with a strong resemblance to Ethan Hawke. Ethan and I crossed eyes and I saw a glimmer of recognition on his face, realizing exactly where I knew him from.

When I was about nineteen, the D-Expert and I used to sneak into Bungalow 8, where Ethan was a bartender. He would occasionally slip us free shots, after which we would flirt with Vincent Gallo and shake our butts alongside Lindsay and Dina. Over the years, Ethan moved up in the club industry, becoming a prominent doorman of a popular Meatpacking District club. I remember preparing my ‘Ethan walk’ from about a block away, strutting my stuff in my Louboutins to guarantee a seamless entry for me and my posse. Ethan, to his credit, never disappointed, letting us in even on the most “out of capacity” nights.

The Unemployment Artist (Otherwise Known as James Franco Syndrome)

Typecasting · Paris · by Marina Khorosh

Today, I would like to introduce a new Dbag Dating term, recently conceived by my friend in a moment of inspiration: The Unemployment Artist.

Said inspiration came when I met yet another Tinder winner, who, in response to my inquiry about his occupation, stated that he did“acting, drawing, painting, photographing, skateboarding.” After my eyes had rolled back into their sockets, I forwarded this information-laden sentence to my friend, who came up with this very accurate term to define this disturbing modern-day maladie.

Unemployment Artist: A man, usually in his 20’s, who lacks any definite direction in life. Forgoing the pursuit of a real career, he chooses to focus on a vast variety of ‘freelance’ hobbies, activities, and business endeavors. His goal is to be featured on VFiles and eventually be ‘discovered’ for one of his many talents, enabling him to collaborate with other unemployment artists on t-shirts that are sold at Colette.

Tinder Time With The Incredible Hulk

I Know How To Pick'Em · Paris · by Marina Khorosh

I am still not ready to discuss my London adventures, mainly because I have yet to process my infinite capacities of making an ass out of myself. However, I will be more than happy to kick-start the New Year with the story of The Incredible Hulk, my lovely first experience with the online Mecca of fleeting connections, otherwise known as Tinder.

On my first week of Tinder back in November (yes, I’m a late adapter), a miracle fell into my hands in the form of an American boy named John. (Oh, you betcha that’s not his real name. I don’t have a death wish quite yet.) John was an Ivy League graduate playing professional football somewhere outside of Paris, and so we agreed to meet up that weekend, for he was coming into the city to see the Parisian catacombs with his friends. (This will all become symbolic quite soon.)

It was a lazy Saturday and, in a moment of boredom, I decided to Google John. I typed in his first name and the name of his university, expecting to find a couple of alumni photos and not much else.. Imagine my reaction when I found out that my evening suitor had been recently been involved in a VERY high-profile media scandal, entailing sexual assault accusations. Somehow, I had managed to find a sexual predator on my first week on Tinder! This, my friends, is talent.

Happy New Year (AKA Your Time Starts Now)

Musings of the Mind · London · by Marina Khorosh

A few weeks ago, I asked my brother (late 30’s, three kids, fairly decent at life) an atypically candid question.

“Do you think I have a chance of getting married anytime soon?”

My brother was quiet, and he’s not a quiet kind of guy. He carefully considered his answer, knowing from experience that one misspoken word can result in many of tears.

“I don’t think that a person who acts like you wants to get married.”

Of course, the obligatory tears ensued. How dare he say this about his perfect sister, a practically born-again virgin with excellent childbearing hips? But after the shitstorm came the calm, and I decided to hear him out.

When Love Gets Virtual

Misery Loves Company · by Marina Khorosh

Since t’is the Season to be Merry and you probably have nothing better to do, lets take a quick survey. How many of these apply to you?

You are currently talking to a guy (girl) on the phone/Facebook/email or some other form of telecommunication on a daily basis.
Whenever something good or bad happens in your life, he (she) is the first to know.
Instead of going out to partake in real life activities, you sometimes stay home to talk to him (her).
When you do go out, you feel guilty talking to other guys (girls). In fact, you don’t really consider yourself single.
However, sex is something you haven’t experienced in awhile.

Is this you? If so, you are suffering from Virtual Relationship Syndrome, the biggest form of human procrastination since Angry Birds.

10 Things I Love and Hate About French Men

Typecasting · by Marina Khorosh

A couple of nights ago, I was sitting in a restaurant with a mélange of expats and some poor Frenchies who had the misfortune of winding up in my presence. With three functioning brain cells left to rub together after days of holiday boozing, I took a receipt and started mapping out a list of reasons why the spawn of Rimbaud and Baudelaire don’t seem to be doing it for me in the romantic sense.

While the original version of this document is now lost, I believe that it went somewhat like this.

Author: Marina Khorosh