Let’s face it: the mention of German men doesn’t evoke much passion. Never have I seen a friend break into a dreamy smile en route to Berlin, or wax poetic about some German dreamboat she had just men. German men always seem a bit like German food – you’re sure it’s fine, maybe even good, but you don’t consciously seek out to experience it.
This past August, I attended a dinner with about eight tall, handsome German guys. It was a great evening of learning all about raves and DJ culture, debating societal responsibilities, and almost signing up for an Ayahuasca ceremony – the stuff East Berlin is made of. The Germans were friendly and hospitable – and yet, as men, they remained a complete mystery, which made me even more determined to decipher them.
Fast-forward two months, a friend generously offered to connect me with a few expats with extensive German dating experience. I was secretly hoping that I would stumble across breakthrough revelations that would point towards a nation of deep thinkers and closeted romantics – after all, this is the country that once gave us Nietzsche and Beethoven! Alas, my findings were slightly different. Without further ado, here are some key things I learned about the Deutsch.
1. Equality and courtesy don’t mix.
It all starts from the German education, which states that all people are equal and must be treated as such. This is an excellent concept – that is, until you arrive in Germany and realize that nobody will a hold the door for you, or help you with your suitcase, or perform any small acts of chivalry that enhance the day-to-day (sue me, I’m a shit feminist). Apparently, German women get insulted at such gestures, or something. Personally, I would like to hear that from the pregnant women who routinely have to stand on the U-Bahn!
That said, the romantic realm is no different: you are unlikely to get approached on the street or get courted with gifts and poetry – at least, in the beginning. According to this article, which aggregates experiences of Russian women living in Germany, many subjects show gradual improvements and even start occasionally buying flowers! (Nothing like some good ol’ Russian discipline!)
2. If you want ice cream, you have to pay for it.
German men make you split the bill. This has become one of their most emblematic qualities, a disclaimer for stepping into the German Wasser, so to speak. Select testimonies include:
“German guys split the bill on dates and count every penny. If they borrow 1.63 EU from someone, they give back 1.63 EU – no more, no less.”
“My Aussie friend lived with a German boyfriend who would send her monthly invoice for her half of all their common expenses. She was traveling half the month but he still made her split all the grocery costs 50/50.” (What?!)
From the Russians: “Prepare your wallet and forget that a man will ever pay for you. At best, you will split the bill in half. This includes ice cream and movies… Unless, of course, you come across a German who has already dealt with Russian women and knows what is expected of him.” (Ha!)
3. Love is a waiting game.
Apparently, going Deutsch is like playing an infinite, multi-level waiting game. Said levels include:
Sex. “German men take a longer time to make a physical move – they like get to know you better first.” (Given that I live in a city where all men want is sex, I’m ready to board a flight to Berlin!)
I love you. “Their parents, especially their fathers, rarely told them ‘Ich habe dich lieb,’ so they have a hard time saying it to their partners – but it means a lot to them when they do.” (I’m currently processing how “Ich habe dich lieb” can possibly sound romantic, which makes me want to postpone my imaginary flight.)
Marriage. “German men like to date girls for many, many years. Some don’t even want to get married, regardless of whether they want children. ‘For what?,’ they say, ‘We are having a good time, why should we get married?’ They get married very late, usually in their forties. They like to first work, earn a living, become stable in life, and then make a family.” (I’m out.)
4. Families are handled like “small companies.”
Everybody knows that Germans are ridiculously efficient, which trickles down to their family dynamics. “Everything in the family is handled like a small company. They have a schedule for who does the dishes, laundry and vacuums and on which day,” says a Deutschland-born friend. Each partner contributes to a shared bank account, although there are different investment models: some couples do a 50/50 split, while others chip in an equal salary percentage.
While this “by the book” dynamic is not everybody’s cup o’ tea, the women in my Russian article can’t sing enough praises to German men for their commitment to housework and diapers (understandable, as most Russian guys don’t know Pampers from Tampax!)
5. White sneakers are sacred.
“They really don’t like anybody stepping on their white sneakers,” wrote a friend, which I took as passive-aggressive code for “these guys are OCD as hell.” The Russian article recounts fastidious Germans scrubbing sinks for fun and using special egg cookers and egg peelers to boil ein Ei . (Actually, I don’t know how to boil ein Ei, so they’re forgiven.) Oh, apparently they also sit to pee to avoid making a mess (!!!) This seems completely ludicrous, given that the only upside of being a male is NOT having to come in frequent contact with toilet seats.
6. Loyalty trumps temptation.
The vote is unanimous: German men don’t cheat. These four magic words are probably used as a self-soothing lullaby by every woman who has had to use an egg peeler. According to all my sources, German men are rational, loyal and highly trustworthy.
“My husband and I have three children, he’s a businessman and works a lot. I can completely relax knowing that my husband has no relationship on the side. He simply doesn’t need this…I’m sure that if I were in the same position in Russia, the situation would be completely different. I would be constantly wondering where he is and what he’s doing when he isn’t home. ”
Sounds ideal? Agreed. And yet, there is a pragmatic element here there that I find highly unnerving.. See below.
“If a guy is dating a girl for 4 years and falls in love with someone else, he confronts his girlfriend with this. They have a serious conversation at the kitchen table, over a cup of tea and a piece of cake. The problem is solved strategically rather than emotionally.” (I SHOULD NEVER STEP FOOT IN THIS COUNTRY. THAT CAKE WOULD END UP IN SOMEBODY’S FACE.)
While the overall German ethos may not seem all that alluring or inspiring, I will say this. In a world filled with adult men who continuously defy logic and fear responsibility like it’s some deadly STD, a little rationality does sound kind of appealing. And so, let’s conclude with this lovely quote:
“They are caring, reliable, structured, dependable guys with good sense of humor. Capable of building and fixing things, attentive and faithful. Simply pick the right one who reflects your needs and values.. Nationalität ist egal. (Nationality doesn’t matter.)”
Wunderbar!
Funny and true. Points 1 and 2 could also apply to Swedes and Danes (and probably the other Nordic, gender-equal countries).
Yes!! So many similarities. I wrote an article on Scandinavians once, actually:
http://dbagdating.com/2015/06/the-dbag-dating-guide-to-scandinavian-men-2.html
Such a funny, witty and accurate article, Marina! I can confirm most of this points and I am German :)…actually living abroad and also dating some foreigners before that time was very eye opening for me. As it is sometimes nice to be a bit unrational (without always being perceived as the odd one out). I will never forget the weird feeling when somebody was opening the door for me the first time in my life…..But like you said there are always positive and negative points for all men.
Hi! I’m so happy you approve. I have to say, it was pretty stressful to write all these strong statements without having ANY firsthand experience! How do you feel about dating Germans after having experienced the door-opening ways of (I assume) the French?!
Like you mentioned in France where flirting and chivalry is a national sport, you always feel flattered and adored (when you skip the cheating part of the French story ;)). In Germany things evolve very slowly but are most of the time stable after a while and you do not have to deal with this emotional rollercoaster ride all the time. In Germany when you e.g. don’t split the bill on the very first dates the woman asssumes a lot of times, that the man will think he payed so he has the “right” for some “action”. That is why people like to split the bill to be equal as well as to do not commit to anything. Germans are trustworthy and loyal but sometimes too rational which has its good and bad aspects in all situations obviously. As there is no stereotype and you can find very emotional Germans as well I guess we have to blame it all on the douchbags if it goes wrong in the end. Unfortunately douchbag behaviour can be found in every country….
Thank you!! I actually like the sounds of German pragmatism; clearly age and experience are taking their toll on me 😉
German men don’t cheat?!
I‘m German and had several German boyfriends. Some with intercultural background. And they were all unfaithful. The worst of them was my ex-fiancé. He was German several generations back. He was the most unfaithful man I ever came across in my life.
Im not sure, if a nationality can really determine faithfulness or cleanliness or whatever.
Hi! Thank you for sharing and I’m so sorry you had to go through these experiences (cheating ex-fiance sounds horrific regardless of nationality). That said, I agree that nationality cannot determine each individual – and yet, people of the same culture are often raised/educated in a similar way that reflects in their behavior going forward, which is how these generalizations are made. Once again, sorry for those Dbags. Maybe try the French? 😉
I agree Anna
Mercy wrote: “In Germany things evolve very slowly but are most of the time stable after a while and you do not have to deal with this emotional roller-coaster ride all the time.” which I find to be pretty apt.
I feel like Germans are more straightforward. If someone is nice to and they are friendly while talking to you, it probably means that they just want to be your friend and that they are ready for friendship. If they aren’t interested in you, they won’t fake it. What you see is what you get.
If someone looks and acts nice, they probably are nice, and if someone looks and acts like a jerk, they probably are a jerk.
It’s less of that “We must meet for drinks next week” and then nada, but hey, if you’re saying you want to meet next week, you ARE expected to do your part.
I remember visiting Hamburg for the first time, going clubbing, and then asking a guy if he’ll help me get back to my hotel. And he really did help me get back to the hotel safe and sound, no hidden agenda, because that’s what he promised. Or I asked someone else what was Frankfurt like, and he proceeded to tell me everything: city planning, size of Frankfurt apartments, entertainment venues, population. Not in a showy or romantic way, but he was being precise.
I didn’t necessarily WANT to know every single detail about Frankfurt, but that’s on me, he just answered my questions in a very literal way.
So I don’t think Germans are totally unromantic. They are considerate, you are just expected to ask him what you want or desire in a precise way, so he knows how to meet you half-way or accommodate you.
And to be fair to Anna and Mercy, yes, some guys are definitely dbags, and this description (http://dbagdating.com/2015/05/the-basic-douchebag.html) applies perfectly, though there are lots of genuinely nice guys who are kind.
Any thoughts on Swiss guys? Swiss-French, Swiss-German (hey Zürich!), and Swiss-Italian? Uncharted territory!
Ha I lived in Zürich! It was difficult to even meet local men (apart from Tinder) because there were so many expats. Swiss-German men do offer to pay in dates, I’d say the culture in Switzerland is more conservative than in other European countries. The Italian side of Switzerland is just like Italy except everything works (said by my Swiss-Italian friend).
Anybody who lives in Switzerland can and SHOULD pay for your coffee. Period end of story.
I dated a guy from Zürich who was polite, a great conversationalist (also spoke fluent English, Swiss-German, and German), funny, and overall one of the best lovers I ever had. Super-easy to talk to, and just smart and fun. I didn’t get that hard-to-know and conservative feel people mention but maybe that was an exception.
You know someone was special when you think about them (still!) fondly in that “Aw, I hope he’s doing okay, he’s one of the best guys I’ve ever been with.”
I really miss him actually!
Thanks lady! Oooh I think a Swiss guy post is definitely on the agenda!
Marina, I love this post! I am from Finland and lived in Germany, I like how straight-forward people there are and also mean what they say. Enough with the stupid mind games and dating rules! In the UK I felt people would say “oh darling” to pretty much anyone and things like “we should hang out” but I had a hard time to understand it doesn’t actually mean anything, people are just polite.
Hahahah London is nothing next to the small talk wasteland that is NYC! I generally really appreciate European (and even Russian) directness, less time / energy wasted.
The best guy i have been with or was very attracted to was a German. Perfect! Not too chatty, showy, emotional but omg when i complemented him which i often did because i absolutely loved his cheeky smile, which he hid very well.
Dated for 3 months. Not met anyone like him yet. My standards is gone aobove the radar when i compare him!
😒
…first mistakeg Dating in Berlin. LMMFAO
I have now dated 4 Germans….I am American
This article is spot on…..hilariously so. I even have a pair of white sneakers now and I adore how white they are!
The way these men are direct and tell you what they want and don’t beat around the bush is my favorite thing about them. I don’t think they are quite as loyal as the article says though….the first one I dated told me he cheated…very directly! Haha
My current German (whom I love dearly) has a little growing up to do, and I think he may have had some fun on a bachelor trip one weekend. Not to mention that he broke up with his gf when he met me….after we hooked up! but I’m enjoying his company while it lasts and when he goes back and forth for work I try to have a little fun of my own while he’s gone. …..*wink*
Well i came across this German Guy i met like three years back. He is lawyer and we started to mail each other and then got connected on social media. Though we are in two different counties we still manage to keep in touch. And recently he said he would fly down to meet me. I am still confused as to why he is taking such a step? But looks like Germans can get a bit romantic!!!
Great read as always – keep them commin’! 😀
Wow, I am glad I came across your article… I have never dated a German guy before neither talking to one on a more personal level.
I recently met one on tinder and we started with a phone call then been chatting everyday for a month now but still haven’t met.
He is a workaholic but always drops a line whenever he gets a chance and does voice notes too.
We do singalong together using vice notes and it’s been fun, we managed to set a date which he immediately had to cancel because he got busy.
So he traveled to Germany and will be back this Sunday.
He says he is separated and doesn’t have kids but he is good friends with his ex wife for they’re partners in one of his companies back in Germany.
He says he loves my voice and loves hearing it, he loves my positivity… I am happy with the fact that sex seems to be far from his mind and I love the fact that he is a busy man…
Your article has or is sort of preparing me for my first date with him… he told me about him and said if it was okay with me we could go ahead and have coffee, i did the same i mentioned my kids from the previous marriage and he was like that sounds like a good coffee plan.
I do like him a lot before I even met him in person and I hope he feels the same… though from what I read from your article it feels like I got to put in a lot of hard work…
I am up for the challenge I gues
A german guy approached me on social media, even though he could see I was in a relationship he still went ahead and started telling me I was “the one”. He’s married of course and told me that straight away! I’m not quite sure what he wants as he is a lot older than me and both in a relationship and living in different countries. I honestly don’t know what to think. He is all of the above in the article though. Typical German
I’m in a ldr with this German guy and dang! It’s so confusing if he really wants this relationship. He’d not even care to reply my messages for hours and days then later would text a very very very long one. He’s also very comfortable talking to me only once a week since our relationship started. I mean who would not like to their SO if they really like them right. Adding to that, he’s even cool to cancel our once a week Skype call because he has plans with his friends. He’d say that in advance if he’s plans but no rescheduling and stuff. When i confronted him with this he said, “when we are talking is not imp but what’s important is that we are talking.” he also mentioned that he wouldn’t mind sharing his life with me but what the hell!!!
What is going on with this German guy of mine? He seems to like me a lot but he also seems to not like me that much. Or is it me who is the problem here?!
Hi, so how are your relationship with him now? Im curious to know…coz i am actually experiencing the same as youre… he actually message me everyday…but took a long time to reply…and he is most of the time with his friends.. im a bit scared coz what if he is cheating on me and i look stupid…but he told me many times he doesnt have anybody else…and he said even if im paranoid, he still wants a relationship with me…he also buy me gifts.. he is sweet whenever we see each other.. he never had sex with me until.now…we are already like 6 months dating…and the day i answered him(he asked me to be his gf) that was our first kiss…he told me he doesnt lie to me and that he respects me…he told me he likes me so much…but i dont know…he doesnt evern care if we dont see each other in a week…although we are a bit far from each other…he lives 65km away from me…😂😂😂
I have to disagree with the belief that German men don’t cheat!! What?? According to the writer’s “reliable sources”?? Well, everyone I have met who has been in a relationship with a German and it ended…it was because of cheating. All of them were German men (and a few women). So now, cheating and infidelity is as common here in Deutschland is anywhere else. My own marriage of 15 years ended due to infidelity. The author needs to do a bit of research and expand her social circle, because there is a LOT of hanky-panky on the side, believe me. This after 10 years of living here.
Hi, so I got a friend request through messenger from this German guy. I thought that we may know each other through our friends. Anyways, I was ready to block him but he didn’t like it. So I said that we can be friends only and nothing more than that. He started flirting with me with heart emojis etc. I reminded him that we are friends only. He kept texting asking if I ate, slept after my night shift, how’s my day going etc etc questions. After three days he’s asking for my pic to show it to his mom. I was totally shocked by his request. I had also told him that I’m separated and have kids which he didn’t mind at all. I didn’t send any pic so far but keeps asking for it. He said those 3 words in week 1. He does call me as promised and even in between during the day. I love the fact that he always ask about my kids. I have started to fall for him but I’m scared. He does say that he likes and loves me dearly. He’s also a very busy guy who loves his job. I didn’t want to fall in any relationship so soon cause it’s only been a year of my separation. I’m so confused don’t know what to do. I loved your humorous article which I laughed while reading. Thanks
I have dated and I’m still dating a german man I met years ago while working in Germany for a brief period of time.
He kept trying to reach out despite the distance, so we decided to make it work. He seems crazy about me, and honestly since we met I can count the number of times I actually had to pay my portion of dinner. Which is never. I had treated him to ice cream or whatever once in a while. But he has always paid for everything. He is incredibly sexy and handsome, he is amazing in bed. And honestly I had a crush on him for a while. I just didn’t think it would work because of the distance. But he keeps coming back and wants to work on us and eventually build a future together. He is definitely slower than most guys I know, but he does mean what he says. We are both divorced, he has a child. But he says he is ready to start a new family again and wants more children. I’m excited for what the future holds for us.
I have dated and I’m still dating a german man I met years ago while working in Germany for a brief period of time.
He kept trying to reach out despite the distance, so we decided to make it work. He seems crazy about me, and honestly since we met I can count the number of times I actually had to pay my portion of dinner. Which is never. I had treated him to ice cream or whatever once in a while. But he has always paid for everything. He is incredibly sexy and handsome, he is amazing in bed. And honestly I had a crush on him for a while. I