How to Outdouche a Douche

Everybody has their area of expertise. While my friends work their way towards becoming functional members of society, real career paths included, I continue accumulating experience in douchebag analysis, tallying up those 10,000 hours to become an expert. As a result, I have garnered a rather keen understanding of the nature of the Dbag game, equipped with its own repugnant code of conduct!

Before you begin, decide if its even worth it. The only dbags deserving such dramatic avenge are the Level 10 douches who make their cases clear from the get-go with the usual indicators of a wandering eye and low follow-through. If you feel like being the Robin Hood of females, bravo, but be aware that real douchebags do not change their spot and the entire experience will be but a quick entertainment fix and practice for future husband taming.

Still interested? Fine, let’s go on then.

Be warned: if it feels wrong, it’s probably right. Unless you have a crazy Ukrainian mother who taught you the tricks of the trade en lieu of nursery rhymes, most of the following techniques will feel bizarre, offensive, in fact, borderline inhumane. The sooner you realize this, the faster you will overcome the inadvertent guilt that comes along with acting like a 1^st degree psychopath.

Speaking of which…

Psycho bitch it up. Your interest and engagement levels should swing like the Kingda Ka roller coaster ride, mounting at expedited speed and then crashing with no precursory warning. Went to sleep happy? Get up angry, livid, out for blood. Say one thing and do the opposite. The goal is to make him start questioning his own sanity, channeling Amy Dunne of Gone Gone brilliance, i.e. the goddess of all female evil.

Terrify him. Many years ago, my friend almost started a midnight street fight on the hot streets of Miami, yelling out “SALOPE” (“slut” in French) at another girl right in front of her then-new boyfriend. I was convinced he would break up with her on the spot, but they are now happily married and he is just as happily terrified of her. Similarly, the last guy I dated was most turned on by me when he saw me cursing out my brother in Russian, revealing my inner spawn of Satan Putin. Men like beings scared, because they like boundaries. Do it once and he will never look back.

Never be available. At least, not quite. You must always make him feel like a backup plan – in fact, make him feel like the backup of the backup plan. This entails cancelling plans last-minute (preferably to do nothing and watch Gone Girl in your pajamas), bringing friends along on dates (nothing a man loves more) and pulling the occasional disappearing act on him, social media presence included. Throw in a  curveball by having a friend post a picture of you having fun in the process, to really get his blood boiling!

Flirt with other guys in front of his face. Yup, the technique you had retired in high school is now back and ready for business! Flirt with the Uber driver, flirt with your hot co-worker, flirt with his hot co-worker, bring along your hot girlfriends and flirt together! Crush his ego, his self-esteem, his sense of self, diminishing him to the most raw and vulnerable of human forms, which you then stomp on with with your Gianvito Rossis.

Blue ball him. Again, an oldie but goodie returns. Never, ever sleep with a real douchebag. Unless you have the sex skill set of Sasha Gray, he is most likely to then declare himself the winner of the Dbag Race and disappear from the horizon like an ice pop melting in the sun. Make him live with the hope of the joyous occasion happening at any given moment, but never actually allow it to take place.

Sounds exhausting? I don’t blame you. You could also save your energy, find a nice guy, throw all these techniques out the window and live a happy, mentally stable life of a non-masochist.

Nope? Ok, in that case you’re all set! Happy douching!