As any woman who has ever been on a first date can affirm, nothing feels as awkward as that Faux Wallet Move.
You know the drill. The bill comes. You fumble through your bag, halfheartedly looking for that little Comme des Garçons coin purse that holds holds your credit / debit / metro card collage, while simultaneously monitoring his actions with the vigilance of a border control officer. Will he put his card on the table and move the bill away, out of sight and out of mind? Or is he – gulp – waiting for you to actually cover your portion of your gin and tonic fiesta? You locate your card and slide it over with one hand while crossing your fingers with the other. Best case: he rejects it – you insist – he tells you that you can get him a drink later – you internally breathe a sign of relief, knowing that there is an official chance at a future. Not-so-best-case: he accepts your card – asks the server to split half way (or, even worse, cover your exact portion!) – extinguishes all budding attraction you may have had – gets written off in the “time waste” category.
This is the point where about 50% of you want to rip me to shreds, condemn me for being anti-feminist – worse, an impediment to the feminist movement altogether – and write me off as a cliché Russian gold-digger. Sadly for nobody other than myself, I don’t belong to the category of women looking for a free ride in life, mainly because a – I’m a masochist, b – I’m too much of a pain in the ass to merit it and c – I find it detrimental to the entire concept of love, which I am very much a sucker for. And yet, it is imperative for me that a man pays for the first date, particularly one that he invites me on. Here’s my point-to-point reasoning, as backed up by my savvy friends.
1. It shows you how the person was raised. Do you want to date a man who carries your luggage up the stairs and holds doors open for old ladies and gives up his subway seat for the same aforementioned old ladies, and also pregnant ladies, and maybe even regular ladies who look a bit tired? If so, you most likely want a man who will foot the bill for your first drink. This, along with the way he treats the waiter, is the only insight you have into whether he heard the words “manners” and “gentleman” uttered a few times during his formative years.
Yes, I realize that this expectation is largely ingrained in my Russian upbringing and may not relate to the societal norms in Scandinavian countries, Germany, and even some parts of Asia. And yet, regardless of culture, I can assure you that a woman’s attraction to a little bit of chivalry is universal.
2. It equilibrates the market. As my smart lawyer friend pointed out, women make $0.70 to a man’s $1. We also have to invest way more into date preparation, shelling out cash on manicures and makeup and high-heeled shoes and all the other tricks of the dating trade that we have been socialized to revert to. (Side note: do men even know the prices of those Gianvito Rosi heels they all seem to find irresistible?!) A man footing the bill is something that we can re-negotiate after we get those equal wages in place and have men stop for fresh shaves en route to dinner.
3. It’s not going to mess up the gender equality game. You have my word on this one. We women are grateful to be living at a time when things are changing. We welcome the notion of men being more involved in family life (umm, hello cute Williamsburg stroller dads!) and therefore understand the need for us to remove a chunk of financial pressure by contributing to the communal Pot o’Gold. Not only do we know we need to work, we want to work, if only to occasionally escape Sesame Street. And yet, all of this has nothing to do with a man paying for dinner, which is a simple way of showing us that he is interested, and, therefore, willing to do a little bit of old-school courting. Trust me, you can still be a modern man while being a gentleman, just like you can still be an independent woman while being somewhat of a lady. Or you can be a chick who writes a blog about her love life and still demands ladylike respect! It’s a free world out there!
Et voilà. Case closed. Now, take out your goddamn wallets.
Yes!! Finally an article about that! After the end of my 3-years relationship and some experiences in dating life, I realised that these little moves show A LOT about a man.
Most certainly – its all in the details! Thanks for reading!!