At the risk of subjecting myself to a smidgen of judgement (or a mandatory psych screening), I am fairly certain that there are at least two people residing inside of me. One is a boring snoozeball who experiences sexual awakenings at the sight of Tribeca lofts and has long selected the prep schools for her unborn children. The second one is a wannabe vagabond-slash-activist who dreams of living out of a backpack in Sihanoukville for $6 a day forever. Archenemies to the core, they appear incapable of agreeing on anything in my life, regularly giving me mixed directions and partaking in verbal disputes that would put the upcoming Presidential debates to shame. Since the yearlong punishment known as 29 Going On 30 commenced nine months ago, the two have been having a particularly hard time getting along and agreeing what this milestone means in the course my life. And so I have decided to give my unaligned yin and yang the breathing space they need to air out the emotions on this public platform.
Marina 1: You should really have you shit together by now.
Marina 2: Oh relax, 30 is the new 20. Have you not seen Sex and the City?
Marina 1: Yeah but what about the people who a- exist in real life and b-actually have their shit together before 30? Because, contrary to what you keep telling yourself, there are plenty of them. Here, check out the 30 Under 30 list. What exactly were you doing when those people were working their asses of?
Marina 2: Um, living? Traveling? Enjoying the best years of your life? YOLOing?
Marina 1: Great. And what do you have to show for your years of YOLOing?
Marina 2: Life experiences! Anyway, sometimes the best things happen later on. Look at that lady who wrote Harry Potter! She was like 40.
Marina 1: So now you’re waiting until you’re 40 to get it together?!
Marina 2: No, all I’m saying is that you have time.
Marina 1: No, what you have is three months. After that, the only thing you have is the “diminishing value” bucket your brother has been warning you about since you were 22. But instead of listening, you were YOLOing and dating smelly hipsters.
Marina 2: Artists.
Marina 1: Tomayto, tomahto. Instead of making excuses, why don’t you attempt to actually make something happen in those few months and cross a couple of items off that checklist? If you hurry up, you can probably have more solid career direction and even get a nice boyfriend!
Marina 2: Because quick Band-Aid solutions are useless. Why don’t you just relax and be grateful for what you have? Also, enjoy those last few months and use them to celebrate your twenties… Do something crazy! Have a threesome!
Marina 1: So, regress?
Marina 2: No, be free-spirited! What would Bianca Jagger say?
Marina 1: Bianca was a drop dead gorgeous heiress-slash-philanthropist married to Mick Jagger. News flash – you are not an heiress or a supermodel.
Marina 2: You look fine. People in Asia thought you were 22!
Marina 1: Thats because you were backpacking. Backpacking. An activity juvenile enough to temporarily camouflage the family of eye wrinkles that pops up every single time you smile. Speaking of which, you should invest in some decent face cream.. Oh, wait, you can’t afford it!
Marina 2: Oh c’mon, have you not read that article about Millennials being the poorest generation? Also, you may not have yet seen the financial benefits yet, but you have laid out some sort of career foundation..
Marina 1: Foundation is great – in the summer. If you don’t have the actual house ready for winter, you will freeze. You are almost 30 and you need a house.
Marina 2: You need a chill pill.
Marina 1: No, what you need is to get your ducks in a row. And maybe stop writing about your love life before you crucify the chances of having one forever!
Marina 2: The right guy will think it’s funny. Don’t you want to be with a person who supports you and all your endeavors?
Marina 1: Keep telling yourself that. Denial has always been your strong suite.
Marina 2: And a set of balls has never been yours. What happened to being brave and independent and different? Haven’t you seen that Apple commercial?
Marina 1: I have a commercial for you. The one on the Subway about freezing your eggs. Which you should do in a couple of years – except that you don’t even have insurance. Because why would you have anything adult going for you?!
Marina 2: Your eggs are fine for another 4 years. Also, getting pregnant takes a minute.
Marina 1: You should start by finding a dude who can handle you for more than a minute.
Marina 2: There’s a weirdo for every weirdo. One of these days it will be the right one.
Marina 1: Keep reading Brainy Quotes.
Marina 2: The worst thing you can do with this whole 30 thing is start acting like a cynical bitch. People can sense bitterness from a mile away and it’s not cute.
Marina 1: No, act like Peter Pan instead. Great call.
Marina 2: There’s really no winning with you.
Marina 1: You’re not trying.
So, which Marina are you voting for?!