When it comes to relationships, I am bad by definition. (I am, after all, the author of a blog called Dbag Dating.) To my mother’s chagrin more so than my own, I have no game, no sense of timing, and no skills when it comes to transitioning from casual encounter to long-term commitment.
Despite this obstacle, I happen to be blessed with what I have been told is a rare talent. You see, I happen to be capable of meeting guys anywhere I go. Whether you take me parasailing or grocery shopping or just ask me to take out the trash, chances are that I will come back with a glowing announcement of just having dispersed my digits. Basically, I am a fisherman who always comes home with a prize – except that, in most cases, said prize either immediately dives back into the water, or ends up being too poisonous for consumption. My friend Rachel calls this a case of crazy smelling crazy. I call it genius. And since most genius deserves to be shared, share it I will! (But only if you guy promise to educate me on the relationship part! Please! I need it!)
The first thing to keep in mind is that excellent fishing is not geographically confined, so make sure not to limit yourself to shallow, contaminated ponds like bars and nightclubs. Instead, you must learn to see the entire world as a democratic opportunity to meet the Bluefin Tuna of your dreams. The second thing to keep in mind is that every great fisherman needs excellent bait, the most essential being a brilliant smile. So start smiling everywhere you go, finally validating the mini-trust fund your parents handed over to your orthodontist in the 90’s. Consider it the worms of dating bait, so to speak.
Since metaphors can only take us so far, let’s move on to real-life examples, showcased through some prime fishing destinations that may be hiding right under your nose.
The logic: Considering the amount of media attention the frugal man’s Uber has received for it’s very ability to initiate romantic encounters, I believe Uber Pool (or Lift Line) may qualify as a dating app in its own right. Like a dating app, it allows you to see who you have “matched” with – i.e. who will be accompanying you on your journey. Unlike a dating app, your chances of meeting IRL are actually guaranteed!
The bait: None needed. It’s all set up for you. Being confined in 3 square feet of space for a minimum of twenty minutes automatically makes interaction inevitable. In fact, by the time you leave that car, you will have gone through the relationship test that it would otherwise take weeks to tackle as a couple – can you survive Midtown traffic together?
The downfall: Carsickness. And the fact that he / she may be en route to a date. With their life partner.
The Boxing Gym
The logic: This is also pretty self-explanatory. Joining a boxing gym (or Cross Fit or even Equinox) is the equivalent of placing yourself in the middle of a bona fide testosterone party. In recent years, New Yorkers have been blessed by Gotham Gym, i.e. the Mecca of hot men who can be observed through the clear windows of the Washington Street location. (Tourists can add it to their sightseeing map of the West Village, right after Magnolia bakery!)
The bait: Again, you don’t need to do much. Except sign up for a weekday morning / evening class and look like Gigi Hadid. Just kidding. Look like you – but as much as Gigi as possible.
The downfall: You will sweat your ass off – and, unless you’re Gigi Hadid, you may not look as great at the end of the workout as you had hoped.
The logic: You know how there are Tinder babies? I am 100% certain that there are quite a few Whole Foods babies out there (who should be eligible for free baby food, if I may add!) I have met more men at the Bowery Street location than at neighboring bars in the past year alone.
The bait: Spot your target and place yourself next to him in a semi-empty isle. Think of something you are struggling to find, then ask for help – just make sure there are no store employees in sight to make you look like an idiot. If he likes you, he will aid you on your hunt for Hemp Milk. (Actually, he would have to really like you to be ok with you drinking hemp milk.)
The downfall: A girlfriend may be lurking nearby, so channel the creepy supermarket stalker of DD memory lane and check his cart for “singles items” in advance!
The logic: Do I really need to explain? I mean, you are practically set up for An Affair to Remember already!
The bait: Pretend to fall overboard. (I’M JOKING.) Just be the breath of fresh air you want to experience in this world and say something that everybody else is thinking / posting on Instagram. For example “THIS IS SO BEAUTIFUL!” To be frank, this is one of the only moments you should just let life play out its course.
The downfall: None. It’s perfect. Let’s not mess with perfect.
The Genius Bar
The logic: Because nothing bonds two people more than broken technology, two-hour waits, and pent-up homicidal emotions. Once again, New Yorkers have a far better alternative – Dr Brendan in the East Village. I don’t know what’s up at that place but it has the hottest guys coming in and out on a regular basis. (Also, they are magicians who can fix anything!)
The bait: If a hipster hottie walks in, ask him what happened to his iMac. Tell him about how you accidentally dropped your iPhone while partaking in a life-threatening volunteer mission. Evoke an existential conversation about the complex impact of technology on our society.
I actually attempted this at Dr Brendan’s the other day and it seemed to be working – until the guy I was talking to happened to mention that the phone he was fixing belonged to his mother-in-law.
The downfall: See above.
The logic: I cannot personally attest to this, but it has been reported that Pokémon Go is the best way to meet men. I suppose that nothing bonds you more than living in an alternate universe hatching imaginary eggs on your off-time. Except maybe hatching some real eggs! Ha. Ha.
The bait: Um, staring at your phone instead of the sidewalk ahead and literally bumping into Mr Right?
The downfall: Do you have a few hours?
AND NOW, GO FISH!!