According to my Snapchat, the whole world is on vacation.
Unlike The Row bags or Gucci slippers or any other commodities flaunted by fancy people that I cannot afford, travel is the only luxury capable of evoking an unsettling feeling of jealousy within me, making me want to order a new credit card and ditch real life for the foreseeable future. What I often fail to forget is that a proper staycation can often be as liberating – and fun – as any getaway, particularly if said adventure takes place in New York City, a bona fide playground for unforeseen exploits. If approached strategically, staycations can also be quite beneficial for your love life, giving you an opportunity to reboot your romantic chakras, man roster, and mentality! All you have to do is follow these simple guidelines.
Stage yourself a weekend-long speed dating event, rounding up all the humanoids you have been conversing with via dating apps but have failed to actually meet in person. Schedule all dates in proximate neighborhoods, within two-hour time windows that will ensure that you will a – never be alone and b – feel like you have a boyfriend all weekend. Oh, call them all BABE to avoid silly errors.
Head to a museum and pick up hot foreigners. This is a spin on the whole Mountain and Muhammad theory, except, in this case, you are Muhammad and the tourists are the sexy Euro mountains. If you live in an urban metropolis with an influx of tourists, head to the Met Breuer / Palais de Tokyo/ Tate Modern / any other art venue of international hipster appeal. Stand in the center of a room and listen. When a foreign language matches up with a hot human, nonchalantly place yourself next your target, introduce yourself as the museum tour guide and offer your services!
Borrow a dog or “dog sit.” Volunteer to help your friends (you know, those who actually have lives and are leaving from the weekend) to watch their pup, then take the little mongrel to the park and let it do all the work. My dog Chloe’s man magnetism rivals Gisele’s and she’s a peanut-sized Yorkie, so you can imagine what will happen if you get your hands on a slightly more testosterone-friendly dog! I’m testing this one out in a hardcore way in July, when a little spaniel named Frankie and I are going to meet every hipster in the Burg during the two weeks that Frankie’s parents frolic in the South of France.
Get a hotel room and pretend to be a tourist. I’m too cheap to ever do this but there is something quite decadent about getting a suite at the plaza with your girlfriends and reenacting Kendall and Gigi’s sleepover party, minus the Chanel Couture.
On a more economical note..
Get together a group of friends and start a bike wash in the park! In bikinis! This might be the most brilliant idea in history of staycations, allowing you to simultaneously make some dough, get a tan, squeeze in a workout, and pick up more dudes than there are days in the summer. I’m contemplating testing this out in McCarren Park this weekend, focusing my service only on men with muns.
If you’re unsure how to work a sponge, watch a Cameron Diaz film for inspiration.
Throw a party and only invite single people. Couples discriminate against singles all the time, so feel zero remorse. In moments of remorse, all you have to do is remember the time you had to sit with a bunch of awkward strangers at a wedding while all your couple friends partied together, and remorse will vanish immediately. P.S. Any couple interested in attending must bring a single friend for ritual sacrifice!
Go Dadwatching. Apparently, this is a thing, kind of like birdwatching, except that you are admiring hot hipster dads en lieu of hawks. I’m kind of confused about this, but my business partner (OH MY GOD AM I AN ADULT OR WHAT) told me that she occasionally likes to hang out on the Soho House roof early on Sunday morning and scope out hot dads playing with their kids, just for inspiration. I guess that’s kind of like when I walk through Tribeca to inspire myself to make a lot of money.
Participate in a new activity. Something that you normally wouldn’t do if your life depended on it, like attending a toothpaste mixing session in Brooklyn, or enrolling into a trapeze class, or going to a party with Molly that’s melting like Dali. (Yup, I just wrote that.) Anything that will get you out of your comfort zone and make you temporarily forget that you will have to haul ass to work in the same city in a mere 48 hours!
Have a sexathon. That’s when you hole up with a person you enjoy fornicating with for days at a time, resurfacing only to compensate for lost calories by way of pizza. Sadly, I don’t happen to have an image of myself doing this.
NB: All tips must be accompanied by an abundance of alcohol for optimal results.