Dbag Dating is an art, a natural talent that one cannot fake. Not only do you have to be born with an intrinsic flair for the Weird and the Wrong, but you also have to work hard on letting it flourish, avoiding squelching it with a quest for silly things such as normalcy or healthy relationships. Below is a quiz that will help you determine if you’ve got what it takes, and, if so, which Dbag Dating category you fall into!
What kind of people usually approach you on the street?
A. Certified loonies – they can smell me from a mile away. In fact, I can hardly take the Metro in the springtime, as this is when all the crazies wake up after months of hibernation and attempt to serenade me!
B. The guys asking for change; tourists seeking directions; gypsies who may, at some point, rob me blind.
C. I don’t meet people on the street – I take Ubers.
You’re out at your usual stomping grounds. Your eyes are most likely to wonder to:
A. The most peculiar-looking guy in the room. Mun, beard, skirt, and any other attributes that may approximate him to a walking art installation, are highly desirable. I also like to go by smell, hence shower abstinence can never hurt!
B. The sad, brooding type in the corner, who looks like he can use some cheering up. I can almost envision us getting all intimate and deep over a demi-carafe late into the night..
C. I don’t have a set type, plus, I’m usually dating somebody. However, you always have to keep your eyes open.. No ring on the finger, he will not linger! (Best line on earth coined by role model @crazyjewishmom)
Best gift a guy ever gave you?
A. No material possessions, just pieces of their hearts and souls.. Songs, poems, nude sketches, graffiti murals, you name it! In fact, as a professional muse, I plan on publishing a scrapbook of this stuff one day.
B. Actually, I’m usually the one giving the gifts… There’s nothing like making a man feel special to fix their inner turmoil!
C. I’m reading this nonsense en route to an impromptu Maldives getaway with my latest beau… Does that count?
Your romantic pop culture ideals revolve around:
A. Anything involving a bad boy: Winona and Johnny, Jane and Serge.. As long as you can share clothes and look cool on Instagram together, you’re in!
B. I can recite The Notebook forwards and back… “If I’m a bird, you’re a bird!”
C. F*ck romantic movies, I’m more of a Kill Bill kinda girl.
Your last breakup involved:
A. Shattered dishes and a restraining order.
B. An “Eat, Pray, Love” soul-searching scenario, followed by months of abstinence from dating altogether.
C. Nothing to write home about.. I like to rip those things off like a Band-Aid and move on.
You are home for the weekend. Describe your family’s approach towards your love life.
A. They like to avoid this topic altogether to preserve their nerves.. Between you and me, I think they have given up altogether. Hooray for me!
B. I don’t know what’s more painful – my mother’s hopeless facial expression, of the copy of “Why Men Love Bitches” I got for Christmas.
C. I usually bring a guy along, which makes them behave and gives them something to discuss afterwards!
And now, time to tally up the results…
Mostly As – The Dbag Magnet
Congrats girl, or shall I say, soul sista! You like the dirtiest, grimiest, most useless people on this planet, just like yours truly! This is a natural-born-talent that nobody can take away from us, no matter how many preppy snoozefests they try to shove in our direction! Let your incense-ladden freak flag blow in the wind, as you explore every mun Tinder has to offer! YOLO!
Mostly Bs – The Dbag Savior
Oh no. NO NO NO NO. Your goal in life is to be the Mother Theresa of morons, saving the world, one delinquent at a time. While we here on Dbag Dating are all about a fun adventure, we are flat-out against taking “wounded souls” seriously and giving them an piece of your emotional self. Do yourself a favor and invest a few hundred into therapy, and stop the nonsense immediately. If your maternal clock is ticking and you are yearning to take care of somebody, have a baby!
Mostly Cs – Manicorn Manipulator
Not sure what you are doing on this blog, as you belong to the dying breed of women who know what they want, and are capable of exercising control over situations. There is a strong likelihood that you are Russian, lack a certain female emotional gene, and were raised by a stoic Soviet mom who taught you all the tricks of the trade. (Mine had more of a hippie approach.) If you want to dish out some advice, holla!