Today, I decided to write about my obvious area of expertise – marriage.
Yeah, right.. Let’s not got that far. However, I did attempt to diversify our content by providing some advice for a – my rare readers who are hitched and b – all of you single ladies who aspire to one day be hitched, and happen to wonder what exactly the miracle formula to a successful marriage entails. Hence, I have solicited the advice of somebody far more apt in this regard – my best friend, the wife of my hubby-in-law, and the author of the only Mommy blog you will EVER see me read – La Yummy Mummy.
FYI – This technique is rather brilliant and can also be practiced with boyfriends, friends and colleagues alike. If applied regularly, can ensure eternal peace in your life.
Ah, marriage! We try SO hard in our mid-to-late 20’s to track down the ideal mate, in hopes that we will finally enter the cruise control portion of our lives.. Only to be slapped in the face by the realization that marriage is actually the contractual agreement to enter an entire new world of complication. Till death do us part.
As I sit here thinking about what constitutes the oil of the marital machine, I realize that, to start, a brief clarification of terminology is in order. At no point do I want to use the term “perfect marriage”, as myth perpetration is not my thing; nor reference to a “lasting marriage”, for that largely depends on uncontrollable variables, such as individual quirks, emotional and materialistic gains and the total summation of potential losses incurred by separation (take Bill and Hillary as an example). Today, I wish solely to advise on the maintenance of a “good marriage”. A marriage where the highs out-number the lows and the smiles are broader than the frowns.
The key to success is something that I like to call the Triple Thought Filtration System. Let me elaborate with a hypothetical real-life example.
Imagine that you are vacationing in Vegas with your husband, and his desire to hit the slots outweighs his desire to “hit that”. As he prepares to jet out of the hotel room, Road Runner style, your first inclination is to loudly exclaim “Your wonton lack of consideration for both money and your wife makes me want to play target practice with your face”. To which he most likely respond “I didn’t see you worrying about money so much when you left half of our savings at Chanel the other day”. In under a minute, the figurative sh*t will have hit the fan, and things will most likely continue to spiral out of control, culminating in a big blow-up and potentially even ruining your vacation.
Now, let us revisit the situation with the application of the Triple Thought Filtration system. The initial reaction depicted above is that of anger and violence. As clearly evidenced, it produces no real results and should therefore be withheld for 3 seconds, like a breath, allowing for the First Filter to take effect. When released, the anger subsides and sadness takes hold, turning the original comment into something needy and altogether pathetic. You may feel the urge to exclaim “You don’t find me sexy anymore!”, causing your spouse to sigh deeply, while quietly pondering your descent into madness, once again resulting in a giant FAIL.
Instead, repeat step one by taking another large cerebral breath and holding in for 3 seconds. Enter the Second Filter, also known as The Defense Mechanism, creator of hurtful sarcasm. Next thing you know, you might be hissing out “Don’t forget to break that hundred into singles”. The only thing this will accomplish is spurring him on with the sole purpose of spiting you. NO GO.
We are now in the home stretch, welcome the Third and Final Filter. The last magical 3 seconds bring on a new clarity, a sort of submission to intellectual reasoning. As the emotions fade away, you open your mouth to say “Go get ‘em baby!” This avoids an uncomfortable situation, preserves your own mental health, secures a guilt gift and guarantees mind-blowing sex later that evening. (Supportive wives are hot while nag hags are not.)
Congratulations! In under ten seconds, you have managed to maintain a peace that is, at times, more fragile then the current Western relations with Russia. The Triple Thought Filtration system applies to any and all situations , stemming back to that old adage “think before you speak”.