How to Have Sex Like a Man

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Recently, one of my best friends became a man.

No, she did not undergo a sex change, cool as Lea T has made them out to be. Nor did she retire her wardrobe, predominantly comprised of Dries and (paradoxically lesbian-esque) Céline. Rather, she simply began having sex like a man – selfishly, indulgently, without any overthought or repercussions.

It all started with a Tinder date. They met up, shared a bottle of wine, she felt herself attracted to him and invited him back to her place around the corner. Two hours later, they were having the best sex of her life. The next morning, an amazing thing happened: instead of exuding the routine paranoia of a woman after a one-night-stand (“What have I done? Have I blown it? Will he call?”), she exuded the glow of a man after a great f*ck. After a day of dirty texting, they scheduled their next “date”.

These days, her new “friend” comes over about three times a week. Sometimes, they have dinner first, other times they get directly to business. They have explored the Kamasutra forward and back, partaking in activities most of us have only indulged in via our laptop screens (if such). Part of her Céline budget has been allotted towards Agent Provocateur, the other part towards Sexodrome. A basketball trainer, he is not exactly the most stimulating of conversationalist, and yet she couldn’t care less. She likes him because he is reliable and she always knows that he will call when promised. She likes him even more because his body is carved like a the ancient Greek statues at the Louvre and he has shown her that multiple orgasms can cross into double digits.

At first, I was worried that all those orgasms would inflate her brain and she would end up getting emotionally attached, preventing her from meeting somebody she actually  can envision a future in. Turns out, I was wrong. Wasting no time, my friend kept on dating and recently met a serious, older guy that she is already talking babies with. And yet, she continues seeing the trainer, claiming that one has nothing to do with the other and that each man serves a specific purpose in her life for the time being. And so, I have decided that all of us have something to learn from her about  having sex for sex’s sake – i.e., having sex like a man.

Pick physically. Repercussion-free sex must be based on nothing but animal attraction, hence it is time to disregard all your logical reasoning and listen to your groin instead. Always had a thing for tall skater dudes with pelvic tattoos? Now’s your time! Just think about the memories you want to have at 80 and make the geriatric you proud!

Avoid intellectual conversation at all costs. In the case that your groin doesn’t lead you to a rocket scientist, don’t make the mistake of looking for a brain where there is none. Try  to keep conversation as simple as possible to prevent your imaginary boner from retracting – don’t ask any complex questions, avoid museums, WWII biopics, or any other circumstances that may reveal his true cerebral levels (or lack thereof).

Avoid social media connections. Case in point – I recently went out with the most beautiful male model, who instantly earned the nickname Ab Man for his awe-inspiring 8-pack. One day, he proposed that I come visit him at his home in the countryside while his parents are away for the holidays. I ignored the small detail of him still living with his parents at the age of 28 and was getting ready to head to St Germain-en-Laye, when I saw him post a selfie with the following hahtags: #malemodelcasting #blessed #bestjob #malemodel #me. Let’s just say that the boner deflated to the point of inversion, all hope of fixing my dry spell gone forever.

Stick to your own turf. While I generally think that its best to keep men off your property until its gets serious, this is one case you can make an exception. After all, being at your house means that you get to make the rules and kick them out whenever you want under the premise of a headache or (the magic word) cramps, leaving you to enjoy your big, beautiful bed all to yourself!

Work The Smell. The Smell: a underlying vibe that a woman begins exuding once she is getting some, detectable only to men. Ever since my friend began her regular sex romps, all the other men in her life have magically reappeared with dinner invitations, vacation invitations, practically marriage proposals!  Meanwhile, I am still sitting home at night hugging my laptop and talking to Tinder losers.

My suggestion? Use the power of The Smell to actually meet somebody normal.

And on that note, last but not least…

Get ready to call it quits. Even if you feel like you’re dating other guys and not losing out on other opportunities, be aware that you are still a girl and still equipped with hormones, attachment issues and all the other factors that makes you naturally batshit crazy! Hence, don’t get to the point where you are so comfortable sleeping in his big burly arms that you begin feeling like this could somehow work in the long-term.. NO. IT WON’T. MOVE ON.

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