A blog is nothing without its heroes. As the magical year that was 2014 draws to its grand finale, we would like to honor the five men who contributed to making Dbag Dating the masterpiece that it is today. The five douchebags nominated in this category delivered resonating, evocative and captivating performances, sending shock waves through the Internets and making many of us consider rethinking our sexual orientation. And yet, only one of them will have the honor of being named the Dbag of the Year 2014. Without further ado, here are the nominees.
(I listened to 10 Oscar acceptance speeches to write this.)
Why he shoud win: Because he soiled my jeans with olive residue and generally took away a weekend of my youth that I will never get back.
Memorable moment: After struggling to get all 200 pounds of him up to my 5th floor walkup, I was rewarded with an immediate dis of my humble Parisian apartment. Covered in dandruff and chopped-up garlic, my redheaded companion informed me that, after the struggles of Paris, I would really appreciate his Dumbo loft. In turn, I shoved down two codeine-induced muscle relaxers in his mouth (under the pretense of ibuprofen) and headed into the shower, knowing fully well that JJ would be passed out by the time I got out.
Why he shoud win: Because his story is probably the best thing that ever happened to this blog and ever will.
Memorable moment: I’m not sure if anyone has ever been in this position, but there’s nothing quite like having an argument with a man while watching a condom slowly make its way down his penis. As we attempted to configure the logistic of what had just happened, the thing slipped lower and lower, finally making its way onto the bed. I had scared the condom off. It was fascinating.
Why he shoud win: Because all male models should know that they are undateable.
Memorable moment: Still skeptical that a human being could be that dumb, I casually inquired about his life goals and ambitions. He stared at me, phased at all the complex words, and gave me another sexy stare. I reiterated. After straining his nonexistent brain cells for three seemingly endless minutes, he proclaimed that, if he had to choose, he would like to visit 120 countries in his lifetime. The reason? He had once met a guy who had done it, and it “seemed cool”.
Why he shoud win: Because this guy is really into accomplishments and this would add a new notch to his belt.
Memorable moment: We keep walking, and he keeps repeating this exact move every few minutes, each time more passionately than the last, until he suddenly pushes me against the wall of a random building and whispers in my ear: “By the way, this is my house”.
Why he shoud win: Because then justice would be done!
Memorable moment: It appeared that he had left his ex-wife after eight years together, yet just one year after the birth of their son. He had left her a woman he had met while dabbling in real estate, who had also been married at the time. Two broken marriages later, he seemed to feel absolutely no guilt or regret over the situation. “C’est la vie” he said, leaning in to stroke my face, as though him leaving his wife was completely validated by this romantic moment. (I later learned that he had often come to this very restaurant with his ex-wife.)
And now. dear Academy (i.e. my loyal 50 readers), it is time to cast your vote!
And the Dbag of the Year is..
- Jam Jam (37%, 85 Votes)
- Dan the Dbag in Disguise (29%, 67 Votes)
- Doctor Douchebag (16%, 36 Votes)
- JJ the Nerd (10%, 23 Votes)
- Zoolander (7%, 17 Votes)
Total Voters: 228