A few weeks ago, a reader requested that I write a post on the dos and don’ts of dating Russian men. A reader’s wishes is normally my command, and yet this particular one presented a bit of a dilemma. Albeit having spent the initial sixteen years of my life on Russian turf, I have probably dated a total of 1.5 Russian guys in my post-high school life. This is in no way an act of rebellion – trust me, there is nothing I would love more than to bring home a man who would be able to deliberate the (grim) future of Putin’s reign at a Khorosh family dinner. No, it is simply that Russian guys and myself rarely cross paths, for most of them prefer adult restaurants in favor of hipster joints and stay as far from my beloved Nolita as possible. And so, I decided to ask for a little bit of help from my friends.
Creative guys are trending.
Blame it on the rise of digital technology or inspiration Apple campaigns (seems like a bit of a chicken or the egg scenario), but it appears that every other man in the Western Hemisphere has recently decided to iManeuver his way into the artistic fields, previously reserved but for the select (professionally trained) few. As a result, we now have an entire segment of demi-professional DJs, “multimedia artists”, “photographers” and “content creators” who have birthed their own, very specific culture that may seem almost foreign to us mere mortals. Having logged enough hours on one particular Creative dating Mecca (GUESS WHICH ONE!) to give Malcom Gladwell’s 1000-hours-to-become-an-expert theory a whirl for its validity, I have decided to create a thorough guide that will help you navigate this male category with the aptness (and Acne gear) that it deserves.
For those who don’t follow me on Instagram or Snapchat (Which you should! Now!), I am currently wrapping a two-week tour of Thailand, Cambodia and Vietnam with my 18-year-old niece, because that’s what adults with absentee personal lives do in an effort to “grow” as humans. Although the majority our growth has entailed seeing how much pad thai / coconuts / spring rolls we can consume within the course of a day, we have been fortunate enough to meet some very cool locals who have gone above and beyond to educate us on their customs (and ensure that we stay away from malaria.) Sensing that the Buddhist-rooted culture may have something to teach us in the romantic department, I chose to utilize a 10-hour bus ride to interrogate our fantastic Vietnamese tour guide, Sony, on the intricacies of the Southeast Asia dating landscape.
American culture is hardly my forte. Despite living in this country for the past 10 years (three-year-stint in Paris excluded) and being a proud owner of a blue passport that can magically whisk me through the majority of international customs, I can probably tally up the number of American men I have dated on one hand. (New Yorkers don’t count, because, let’s face it, New York is NOT America.) However, I feel that it is my duty as a U.S. citizen to provide this male segment the same Dbag Dating glory that has been granted to representatives of numerous other cultures. In honor of the upcoming Fourth of July holiday, I would like to introduce the official Dbag Dating Guide to American Men, sourced via personal experience and testimonies of numerous girlfriends!
Most things in life are best done with purpose. Dating – for the majority of humans, at least – happens to fall directly into this category, an endeavor with a distinct end goal of securing a life partner and living happily ever after, Disney princess-style. And yet, most of us are well aware that our murky modern dating waters often oblige us to kiss a shitload of frogs until some contaminated variation of Prince Charming eventually crosses our path. While many consider this predicament to be the seedy underbelly of dating, I like to view it as an opportunity to explore a portfolio of unique human characters, enabling me to enrich my life experiences – and this blog. With this in mind, I have summed up the top male species that every woman should degustate at least once in her dating career, just because.
Prelude: This is NOT a letter for the real dbags of this world, the men born lacking an inherent moral compass, the Dan Bilzerians who wear their douchiness on their Tom Ford sleeves, treating people like disposable commodities while preserving the capacity to sleep peacefully through the night.
This is an open letter to the Unintentional Dbag, the man with good motives who got lost somewhere along the way. The Unintentional Dbag was most likely a complete dork who couldn’t get a girl to save his life in high school. This freed up time for him to study, go to a good college, and do very well for himself, at which point he discovered that, in addition to great restaurants and prime real estate, money also has the power to buy the affection of tight-bodied young ladies vying for their first taste of caviar and Cartagena.