Written by Candice Johnson, Australian writer living in Paris and penning the blog Paris is Just Not That Into You.
Illustrated via Jordan Barrett, Australian model living on yachts (or, in Internet speak, “living his best life”).
When picturing an Aussie guy, how many of you immediately envision a tall, tanned, muscular, blonde dude with a surfboard in one hand and a beer in the other?
You are not entirely wrong.
While Australian men are more known for six-pack abs than sophistication, they do have some lovely traits that make it worth digging below the beach bum surface. Amongst them are straightforwardness, sincerity and loyalty – all of which are scarce in other parts of the world, making Aussie guys just as much of an endangered species as, say, koala bears.
That said, here are a few things you need to know before finding your very own Aussie!
This post is brought to you by Candice Johnson, an Australian living in Paris, a city that she loves relentlessly but that doesn’t seem to lover her back. (Sounds familiar?) You can read more about the everyday struggles of her expat life in on her blog, Paris is Just Not That Into You.
Paris in the summertime is like an athlete before the Olympics – at the peak of its potential. The minute the sun comes out, the city transforms: cafes spill out onto the streets; parks swell with people vying for every square inch of sun-soaked grass; Parisians seem happier, more talkative.. more open to love!
There is only one downside to Paris at this glorious time: les gens qui draguent dans la rue – the guys who try to pick you up on the street. As soon as the weather starts to get nice, these people crawl out of whatever hole they hibernate in during the year and start menacing the city’s female population. (Seriously, where does this species go during the winter? Does it migrate south?)
Editor’s Note: Today is a very special day for Dbag Dating. After years of vying for a male contributor, I had the pleasure of meeting a charming (and very cute) Miami expat at an art show the other day. We got chatting, I told him about the blog, he told me about his own dating nightmares.. Boom! A match made in dating disaster heaven was born. After a bit of, um, mild pressure, my new friend assigned himself the pseudonym of Marcel Mignon and got typing. Without further ado, here is his first chef d’oeuvre.
“How’d it go last night?”
I stared at the question that had popped up on my screen, which, coincidentally, happens to be one of my personal favorites. Whether met with elation or dread, you are almost always guaranteed an entertaining story.
This time, I was the one under interrogation. Pressing one hand against my cheek to feel for any bruising, I used the other one to forward a screenshot that I felt sufficed as a response:
This imperative tutorial was brought to you by a fabulous writer in her late 30’s who has chosen to remain anonymous.
I recently experienced my first ghosting.
My introductory encounter with this modern-day ailment was inflicted by a man a few years my junior – a 35-year-old man, to be exact. Anybody who has ever dated in New York knows that 35 is the developmental dark hole, the age when men don’t know WTF about anything female-related. Sure, they may be proudly wearing certain hallmarks of manhood, like a secure job or a their first piece of real estate. But, when it comes to relationships and emotions, they are either frightened and confused or simply don’t give a damn. It’s a tricky time to engage with a guy – you are almost better to go younger or older, but 35 – oof.
The experience, unpalatable as it was, got me thinking about the times I’ve successfully gone out with younger men. Let me pause here to state that there haven’t been that many – I prefer older men because I’m an Alpha female on the outside and a loving mushball on the inside (Scorpio!) and need someone who is strong enough to take my Alpha female hand and lead the way, and be bloody mature about the whole thing. I also like a man that has his feet firmly planted on the ground, and it takes time for a man to get there, developmentally. Besides, it takes a lot to tame a firecracker such as myself, and I have found that age and experience help the case.
O come all ye singles, for it’s the most debaucherous time of the year! In the midst of the Siberia of fun that is Cuffing Season hides a fun-soaked Holiday Party oasis, a sliver of time to dunk your brain in complementary Veuve Cliquot and allow the Gods of Promiscuity to guide you towards Great Mistakes. No, I am not advocating promiscuity – I’m a ROLE MODEL, after all. (To my dog Chloe, at least.) I’m just stating the obvious fact that the holidays season has strong potential for excellent misadventures which, in turn, often result in outstanding Walks of Shame.
Often disregarded merely as an aftermath of a Great Mistake, the Walk of Shame is actually a delicate art form. If honed with care, it eventually allows you to shed all traces of embarrassment and own your 8am cat eye makeup and heels like you’re Adriana Lima and the world is your VS runway. Since it is my strong belief that no Walk of Shame is created equal, I have decided to compile some of my most notable morning after memories, along with those of my friends, for some imperative holiday inspiration.
I would also like to officially dedicate this post to Uber, committed to rescuing countless desperate women since 2009.
Jordan Nadler attempts to find an answer to a question that may no longer be relevant in today’s election. For more no-nonsense insights, follow Jordan on Twitter.
“Would you ever date a Republican?” I was recently asked. It struck me as a funny question. The way the person said “Republican” sounded like she had just asked me if I would ever bear-hug a cactus.
This election has seemingly turned Republicans and Democrats into warring clans. It’s like we’re the Jets and the Sharks (obviously the Democrats are the Sharks) except this Godforsaken election has rendered all of us too exhausted to sing. The words “Republican” and “Liberal” have become synonymous with every other negative word in the English language. We have never been more divided, but it’s not politics that we are divided on. This election has so little to do with political theory and so much to do with who we are as people.