The Dbag Dating Guide to Australian Men

Screen Shot 2017-09-26 at 11.14.18 AM

Written by Candice Johnson, Australian writer living in Paris and penning the blog Paris is Just Not That Into You.

Illustrated via Jordan Barrett, Australian model living on yachts (or, in Internet speak, “living his best life”).

When picturing an Aussie guy, how many of you immediately envision a tall, tanned, muscular, blonde dude with a surfboard in one hand and a beer in the other?

You are not entirely wrong.

While Australian men are more known for six-pack abs than sophistication, they do have some lovely traits that make it worth digging below the beach bum surface. Amongst them are straightforwardness, sincerity and loyalty – all of which are scarce in other parts of the world, making Aussie guys just as much of an endangered species as, say, koala bears.

That said, here are a few things you need to know before finding your very own Aussie!

They are very laid back

Ever heard that turn of phrase, “no worries”? In Australia this is not merely an expression – it’s a way of life. Aussie guys like to take it easy, they are not planners and they certainly don’t pursue girls in the same way as, for instance, the French. Not receiving a barrage of texts or a stream of consecutive invitations from an Aussie doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s not interested in you. It simply means that you may have to take matters in your own hands.

On the bright side, since there is no taboo about the girl making an extra effort, you never need to stress about texting a guy first. In fact, there isn’t really much that you need to be concerned about when it comes to dating Aussie guys – “no worries” is the name of the game, after all!

c7d87d7086dec4e39a7c1ff956a309df (1)

Jordan certainly isn’t worried

They drink a lot

For Aussie guys, drinking is synonymous to ‘catching up with their mates’ or ‘having fun’, the latter being the ultimate raison d’être of Australians in general. While you don’t need to drain three bottles of wine to match his beer intake, definitely be prepared to contribute to the “fun” vibe!

3f35c803e172a0958e18730347838c93

Take notes!

They have a great sense of humor

Since we have already established that having fun is the number one pastime in Australia, it would only make sense that these guys have a great, self-deprecating sense of humor. If you want to hit it off with an Aussie, you need to know how to make a joke at your own expense. The thin-skinned and overly serious need not apply.

They speak a different language

You may have thought that Australians speak English, but let me to ask you if you would understand the following sentence: “Hey love, my tradie mates are having a barbie this arvo – would be sweet as if you could come with. I’ll bring the bevos, she’ll be right.” Translation: “My trader friends are having a barbeque this evening and it would be lovely if you would accompany me. Don’t worry about bringing alcohol, I’ll gladly bring enough for both of us”. Don’t worry, you aren’t a couple of kangaroos loose in the top paddock (you aren’t stupid) – Aussies love their slang so you had better brush up should you wish to follow what the hell they’re on about (what they are trying to say).

Some other words that could be useful:

Pash = kissing with tongue

Root = sexual intercourse, only works as a noun

They love their sports… and you should (pretend to) as well

While the sport of choice varies by region (think Australian rules football in Victoria, rugby in Queensland, hockey in Western Australia), the common denominator is always the same. Aussie men take sports very seriously. During on-season they have an absolute obligation to watch their team play once a week, as well as niggling moral pressure to watch as many other games as possible. Trying to get between an Aussie man and his sport would be an instant red card – pun intended – so you might as well join in the fun (there it is, fun, again!) and tag along with him to a game. Insider tip: just make sure it’s not cricket, as these games can go on for several days. Virtually nothing happens, and the players aren’t even wearing shorts.

They are men of simple pleasures

Don’t expect an Aussie guy to be a chic dresser, or an art connoisseur, or a Don Juan with a rose in hand. In fact, you should count yourself lucky if he turns up in a shirt with sleeves or closed footwear! Likewise, you shouldn’t rock up to a date with an Aussie in your Balenciaga booties, which would not only be wasted on him but may cause him to perceive you as “too done up”. Remember, Aussie guys like their women just like they like everything else: happy and laid-back.

5846236221ad4_jordan5

They are loyal and good-natured

Everything Aussie men lack in heightened aesthetics, they make up for in authenticity. They don’t play mind games (I’m looking at you, French guys!), it takes a lot to upset them, and you always know where you stand with them. Ever heard of the Tortoise and the Hare proverb? Well, that’s an Australian guy in a nutshell. He takes his time, but, when he does say something heartfelt, you can be sure he means it, and that he will probably feel the same way in the foreseeable future. And, who knows? Maybe you will as well!

Jordan-Barrett-2016-Sunday-Times-Style-Magazine-Editorial-001You know, one day

One Comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *