The Dbag Dating Guide to NOT Dating an Actual Psychopath

The Dbag Dating Guide to NOT Dating an Actual Psychopath

Non-alternative fact: crazy people are trending.

While there is little to laugh about when reflecting on the reality show that has become America, there has been one evolution that I find semi-entertaining. Over the past few months, Donald Trump and his cronies have transformed the entire liberal media into a bunch of amateur psychiatrists, analyzing their every move in an effort to tap into their true motivations. (Personally, I think one needs to look no further than their bank accounts.) Is Trump a narcissist gone rogue? A bona fide sociopath? An orangutan possessed by a demon? (No, wait, that’s Bannon.) As a result, we are now aware of an entire portfolio of personality disorders previously reserved but for Wes Craven films.

Or were they? According to numbers delivered by me by the powers of Google, people “suffering” from personality disorders such Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Antisocial Personality Disorder (i.e. sociopathy and psychopathy) are far more common than one may think. In America alone, psychopaths comprise 1% of the population, sociopaths make up 2% and narcissists take the cake at a staggering 6%. Sum it up and you have 9% of a population of 318 million. As in, 2,86 million Americans are un poco loco.

Feel free to lock yourself up in your house for life.

As somebody who has based an entire pro bono career on dating loonies, these stats carry a unique meaning, suddenly bringing depth to some of the characters I preciously blanket-labeled as “crazy douchebags”. Is it possible that the success-starved Cross-Cupper and obnoxious Doctor Douchebag were victims of the all too common NPD? Could it be that some of the people I swiped through on Bumble were actually spirit animals of Hannibal Lecter? Wait, didn’t I once write a story about a Hannibal doppelgänger? Oy vey.

Past experiences aside, if these individuals do roam free amongst us, we owe it to ourselves to learn how to identify them. With this in mind, I have prepared an indispensable guide that will help detect the telltale signs of the more, ahem, intimidating personality disorders, in the case that you happen to cross one of their representatives at work, on Bumble, or in your bedroom.


The Narcissist

Official definition: A pattern of traits and behaviors which signify infatuation and obsession with one’s self to the exclusion of all others and the egotistic and ruthless pursuit of one’s gratification, dominance and ambition.

In a nutshell: Donald Trump. No, really, the guy checks off all the boxes. Narcissists have helium-inflated egos that lead them to believe that they are God’s gift to the universe and can do anything better than anyone else (for ex. run countries via Twitter). They hate being contradicted and are hyper-sensitive to criticism, which makes conversing with them similar to banging your head against the wall. In the case that they are effectively proven wrong, they always play victim and blame it on somebody else, be it the ex-girlfriend, the boss, or the Big Bad Media. Are they dangerous? Turn on the news and find out!

How to spot them:

Look out for simple clues, such as self-obsession or the unique ability to revert any conversation back to themselves. (Wait – am I a narcissist?!) Have a suspicion? PISS THEM OFF. Throw in a personal offense. Watch the blood pour out of their eyes. RUN.


The Sociopath

Official definitionA personality disorder, characterized by a pervasive pattern of disregard for, or violation of, the rights of others.

In a nutshell: I recently spent two days sabotaging an idyllic beach vacation with a book entitled Confessions of a Sociopath that left me convinced that at least three people in my life are closeted sociopaths. These guys are almost incapable of feeling emotions, a very scary occurrence that strips them of empathy and drives them to do really fucked up stuff like lie, cheat and manipulate for their own benefit. They can be very charming and very power-hungry, a dangerous combo that often leads them to become quite successful. Meaning, they could very well be your boss or that finance dude you met on The League!

How to spot them:

Look at their track record. Is the person a pathological liar? Do they he go through friends like one goes through Uniclo sweaters, updating them every couple of years? Do they have crazy stories of infidelity that they admit to with zero shame? That, mes amis, is a sociopath. Apparently they can also hold eye contact for way too long, so stare away!


The Psychopath 

Official definition: A personality disorder characterized by persistent antisocial behavior, impaired empathy and remorse, and bold, disinhibited, egotistical traits.

In a nutshell: Psychopaths are basically sociopaths dialed up to the Level Dangerous. If the sociopath has a shitty moral compass, then the psychopath lacks one altogether, along with both empathy and remorse. Throw in a keen predatory instinct and you have somebody who can easily stab you in cold blood. Oh, did I mention that psychopaths don’t feel fear? I’m getting chills just writing this, so I will stop here.

How to spot them:

Everything you need to know is featured in the below video, created by award-worthy video producer La Yummy Mummy (also, make sure to follow her for a free birth control alternative when Trump & Co take yours away!)

Also, background checks are always effective.

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