Chances are that your decision to click on the title of this post was accompanied by a skeptical scoff. “There she goes again.. What nonsense could she have possibly conjured this time?” you may have thought. After all, as we approach the slippery single zone of cuffing season, it is all too easy to get distracted by daydreams of fireplace cuddles and tandem figure skating sessions, inadvertently pushing yourself into a sad hole of self-pity, or a desperate Bumble binge. As we recently learned the hard way, human beings have a terrible tendency to under-appreciate the now and to make rash decisions in hope of a better future, leading to catastrophic missteps à la nominations of orangutans as presidents. (Slightly off-topic. I just had to say it.) On this day of commercially-induced gratitude, I urge you take a moment to be thankful for the now, wherever you are in your life, because there is always a chance that it could all be way worse. If you happen to be single, I will also be supplying you with reasons.
You can live a beautifully selfish existence. As in, your life belongs entirely to you. I think about this a lot on Saturday mornings, when I start my day with yoga and then spent 60 minutes roaming at Whole Food enjoying a breakfast consisting entirely of food samples. Sometimes, I purchase something. Other times, just eat all the free granola bar snippets I can get my hands on and wander out empty-handed, feeling absolutely no remorse over the enormous waste of time that I have just subjected myself to. My time is mine and if I want to spend it listening to protein powder presentations – well, that’s my choice, isn’t it? I also know that there will be a day that I will not be able to as much as be able to go to the bathroom without having little mongrels clawing at my feet in their quest for attention, which makes me appreciate my unreasonable single habits even more.
If you don’t believe me, take it from my married mom-of-two bestie, aka La Yummy Mummy, who you should probably follow on Instagram, like, yesterday. Mainly as a free form of birth control when the Trump-Pence uterus police take yours away.
“Be thankful for the potential to wake up at the perfectly reasonable hour of 12 on a Sunday afternoon. The ability to have a bowel movement accompanied solely by your iPhone and cup of coffee, followed by a shower that lasts longer than 3.47 minutes. Be grateful that your norm isn’t ‘sleep deprived schizophrenic’ and that sex can be had anytime and anywhere. Screw that last bit – be grateful that you still HAVE sex at all.”
Speaking of sex..
You have so much sex to look forward to. Although it is my firm belief that most women benefit more from sex more with regular partners who actually know their bodies, it is scary to think that your significant other may be the last person you may EVER have sex with. In your existence. Somehow, this just feels finite, like the time I realized that I couldn’t act to save my life and would never take home an Oscar. (Unless, of course,Dbag Dating were to become an Oscar-winning film and I could collect one then. Spielberg, hola!)
You can save une petite fortune on girl stuff. In fact, I could put together a detailed spreadsheet on all the things you don’t have to spend time and money on when you are single. The irregularity of your sexual encounters allows you to be highly strategic about the accompanying expenditures, from bikini waxes to mid-winter pedicures to cute pajamas and sexy lingerie updates. Because we all know that old overpriced lingerie becomes new overpriced lingerie with every new guy whose presence it graces. That’s just Single Math.
You never have to cook. This, to me, is the biggest joy of singlehood, as I am capable of surviving on a raw food dinner diet until I am 116 years old and become this lady. In fact, I am certain that I will have a higher chance of living until 116 by avoiding all the unnecessary food consumption that come with being in a relationship. Your fridge can be used solely for raw eggs and sweaters.
Going out is far more promising. As in, it is promising, period. Your life is your own script and you can be its wild scriptwriter, manipulating it into any direction you please. Every cafe is a potential You’ve Got Mail, every trip is a potential French Kiss and every party is a potential walk of shame. If you are a decent human, none of these will be viable scenarios once you are in a committed relationship, so enjoy.
Speaking of which..
Your relationship will be different. You know when you are around your friends’ kids and they cry and you sit there quietly thinking “My child will never be like that”? I don’t know where this naiveté comes from but for some reason I think the same thing whenever I see a couple arguing about something stupid. “One day, I will be in a relationship with a Manicorn l and he will never oppose me or stay out late leave the toilet seat up. In fact, he will never even use the toilet as he will simply sprinkle star dust out of his private parts. Oh, and his morning breath will smell like lilies!”
You know who the hell you are. This may sound like a sack of sh*t but I will argue this one out. If you are single for long enough, you have no choice but to become a fully formed, independent human who knows exactly who he or she is. You have a strong group of friends who will continue to always be uniquely yours no matter what. And, when you do meet somebody, you will know exactly why this person with the best one for you (mainly because the 400 ones before him or her were not!) At least that’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Happy Thanksgiving kids!