It’s been quite the Fashion Month. First, Kanye decided to orchestrate a bona fide model barbecue out in Roosevelt Island. Then, blogger drama ensued. Last but not least, Kim K. fell victim to some serious gangster games, triggering a not-so-positive display of human nature. But we cannot let West-Kardashian drama divert from the most important part of the biannual extravaganza: the actual sartorial goodness that graced the runways! Let’s take a walk on the wild side of the SS17 Paris Fashion Week collections and decipher how these pieces can be utilized to boost, confuse, or annihilate our love lives!
What: Balenciaga condom raincoat.
Wear it on a date with: A sex addict. Or he who is in dire need of children.
What it says: We are never going to have sex. In fact, after seeing me, you may never want to have sex again, period. If you do, you will definitely never be able to use a rubber again, as the PTSD triggered by this vision will cause your little friend down there to retract. Which means that you may be a baby daddy soon! You’re welcome!
What: Balenciaga x USSR collaboration.
Wear it on a date with: Timur, the alcoholic next door neighbor from my post-soviet childhood. Timur would start his every morning with a Baltika beer and a physical fight with his wife, Tetya Galya, a scary lady who worked in airport security and may or may not have owned a gun. Oh, she also wore this exact same outfit every single morning. With fuchsia lipstick.
What it says: Don’t mess with me. I am not just a tough bitch – I’m also a tough bitch who knows her sexual prowess, which makes me a double threat. Seriously. Don’t mess with me.
What: Dior voodoo magic.
Wear it on a date with: David Copperfield?
What it says: I have a little notebook with your zodiac chart and your moon sign, which I regularly consult to determine your mood. I may occasionally pluck out your hair follicles and mix them into a magic potion that will make you love me forever. But that’s ok, because I’m also really hot.
What: Junya Watanabe crack junkie situation.
Wear it on a date with: Somebody who really gets off on being a savior, preferably with loads of money so they can set you up in a proper rehab facility.
What it says: I need new tights. I need a home. I need a meal. I need a shower.
What: Saint Laurent easy access dress.
Wear it on a date with: Doctor Douchebag, the man who enjoyed perching his hand on my breasts in public gardens? Christian Grey? Drake, if you want to steal him away by upstaging RiRi? (Wait, are they still dating?) The options are endless.
What it says: I am not into games. Except for the BDSM ones I will implement in the bedroom!
What: Acne ode to open borders.
Wear it on a date with: A freedom fighter or a Donald Trump supporter, depending on the desired result.
What it says: Back story: this collection happens to be a stance against today’s global climate in which people are losing basic human empathy and douchebag presidential candidates are proposing to build walls. By wearing the new Acne collection, which incorporates traditional motifs emblematic of Arabic countries, you are staging a political protest / wearing your open-mindedness on your sleeve.
What: Loewe desert gear.
Wear it on a date with: A Burning Man devotee.
What it says: I am ready, baby. Not only do I have a giant Mary Poppins bag (that, if I’m lucky, will produce a porter potty) but my highbrow Aladdin getup will provide perfect comfort for our impending Ayahuasca ceremony! Bring it ON!
What: Chanel space odyssey.
Wear it on a date with: An oligarch, cause that’s the only person who can afford Chanel suits AND a trip to space.
What it says: Do you have an extra $10 billion? Cause I am ready to head to Mars with Elon Musk & Co. Actually I hope you have way more than that as I fully intend to clone myself beforehand. Also, I’m bringing Karl along.