Most things in life are best done with purpose. Dating – for the majority of humans, at least – happens to fall directly into this category, an endeavor with a distinct end goal of securing a life partner and living happily ever after, Disney princess-style. And yet, most of us are well aware that our murky modern dating waters often oblige us to kiss a shitload of frogs until some contaminated variation of Prince Charming eventually crosses our path. While many consider this predicament to be the seedy underbelly of dating, I like to view it as an opportunity to explore a portfolio of unique human characters, enabling me to enrich my life experiences – and this blog. With this in mind, I have summed up the top male species that every woman should degustate at least once in her dating career, just because.
The Sex God. Think Clive Owens lookalike, the kind of man who will allow you to check that Original Sin scenario off your bucket list and make you feel like you have lived. In fact, flashbacks of your tabletop romps must stay with you until your retirement home sabbatical, ensuring popularity at the bingo table and an opportunity to mortify your granddaughter with recounts of sexy times past, à la old lady in Titanic. (Side note – has anybody ever succeeded at a tabletop romp? I feel like they are an urban myth, like 69 or sex in the shower..)
The Suit. Trust me, I’m not advocating that you date a human calculator with a swelled-up ego just for the fun of it. The thing is, as you get older, you come to realize that financial advice is expensive AF, making complementary investment guidance invaluable. If you are contemplating something brave, like starting a company, swap the finance guy for an accountant or lawyer – just make sure to drink a lot of Red Bull to quench the pain of having to converse with him. (Actually, I love talking to lawyers! Its like walking through a labyrinth! And having a new door slam in your face at every turn!)
The Famous Person. While I have never been sought out by anybody famous, I once did have the pleasure of accompanying an Olympic champion to a horse derby in Belmont Park, where a squad of basic blondes devoured me with their stares, questioning what their personal hero was doing by my side. I am way too fucked up to appreciate the spotlight, but it was an interesting feeling that any Star magazine devotee is bound to appreciate!
The Tech Nerd. Because somebody needs to sync all of your iPhone devices (to each other and to your iCloud), and show you how to stream your bootleg shows on your TV, and develop a Square Space website for that passion project you have been concocting, and teach you how to use Spotify, and get a free update your Microsoft Office package… Stop me here, because my list is endless. Any contenders?
The Foreigner. But not just any foreigner. I’m talking about an exotic inhabitant of a faraway land, who will open your mind and broaden your horizons and sweep you up on his magic carpet and show you…. a whole new world! Yes, I am telling you to date Aladdin. If he’s not available, aim for a representative of a culture that you have always had a penchant for. By dating half of Paris, for example, I came to learn that material possessions (and showers) are not all that important, that good food and wine are very important, and that the journey often overpowers the destination.
And, if all else fails, just date..
The Comic. Like Petrovsky! And me! Because laughing is really, really good for you. Just be aware that funny people are addictive, kind of like sugar, so make sure you don’t get hooked on this one. Or do! And live a long and happy life, because humanoids who laugh a lot are proven to stay on earth longer!