When it comes to a new relationship, nothing is scarier than that first night of sleeping together. I’m not referring to copulation as much as the actual act of co-sleeping, a far more delicate process that immediately determines your subconscious chemistry and compatibility. Not only is there the fear that you won’t vibe well together (nothing is worse than an awkward little spoon feels), but there is also that hidden chance that your Prince Charming by day will turn into a Sleep Freak by night, falling into one of the following categories that every woman should have on her radar!
The Monkey takes the term ‘spooning’ to an entirely new level, using you as a human Blankie by wrapping your legs around your body and smothering you into a big, burly hug, after which he quickly passes out, happy as a clam. Meanwhile, you are left sweating balls and counting sheep backwards, before finally weaseling out of his iron grip and fleeing to the bathroom for five beautiful minutes, only to be snatched up again upon your return. Also, you know its not even because he particularly likes you, but because he has a psychological need to hold a warm body close at all time. This is his prerogative and he’s sticking to it, so you should either get used to role playing as Blankie, or bid adieu.
The Great Wall of China
The polar opposite of the Monkey, the Great Wall of China is highly committed to his personal space. So much so, that he regularly sections it off with blankets and pillows, creating a 400-thread-count fort that you are to trespass at your own risk. Meanwhile, you know what is probably waiting for you on the other side of the silk barricade, if you are to proceed with said relationship? A very serious prenup, that’s what! Two words: STAY OUT.
The Domino is the guy who doesn’t really like to cuddle, but likes to know that he has you near him at all time, kind of like you make sure you have your bag next to you on the train. He always has a limb somehow connected to one part of your body – think linked foot, hand strategically placed on hip / arm / boob. I once had a man sleep while grasping my underwear at all time, literally wearing holes through my Princesse Tam Tam. Nonetheless, definitely the most harmless of all the Sleep Freaks!
This guy is like a man mirage – close your eyes once and he’s gone! He may have left in the middle of the night, or maybe he’s roaming around in an insomnia spell – all you know is that he is anywhere but in bed with you. While there is nothing technically terrible about this predicament, it kind of messes with that whole safety and security vibe that co-sleeping is supposed to offer.
As indicated by his name, the Ninja is waging a war in his sleep – and, from the looks of it, he’s winning. Whoosh, sheets are ripped from under you! Bam, fists fly at your nose! In fact, people with nose jobs are advised stay as far away from this man as possible. If you decide to stick with him, Kung Fu classes are highly recommended!
This is a terror of a man, the Donald Trump of sleepers, if you will. Every night, he stages a one-man performance piece that can best be compared to the recital of a failed symphonic orchestra, a garbage truck, the apocalypse. What starts off as a light, barely-audible snort soon rises to a sound so oppressive, it can be used to interrogate war prisoners. As a light sleeper, this is my own idea of my worst nightmare, best summarized in this brief excerpt from “Dan, the Dbag in Disguise”: “On one night, I came armed with sleeping pills and ended up passing out until noon the next day, completely missing work. On another, after spending hours freezing under a Zara comforter on the living room couch.” Needless to say, the demise of that relationship was inevitable.
Did I forget any?! Share, share in the comments section below!