The Art of the Perfect Raya Profile

dbag dating art of raya profile

Foreword: In case you aren’t blessed by the Raya Gods, similar rules apply to Bumble. And Hinge. And JDate. And Christian Mingle. And even the Sears of dating that is Tinder.

This past Christmas, I got my very own miracle. I got accepted to Raya, the Mecca of online dating apps, where regular folks are granted the right to mingle with (Instagram-slash-D-list) celebrities via a (highly-exclusive-slash-ambiguous) selection criteria.

For the two months that I remained in Waiting List limbo, I consoled myself with the delusion that this mass hit of a blog was preventing me from being instantly accepted. Yeah, right. As it turned out, the delay had nothing to do with my potential threat to the Raya codes of discretion, but, rather, on my low ranking on their looks + cool factor algorithm.. Because, the minute they ran out of models, they accepted me! The Promise Land of all dating apps finally parted its magic gates!

That said, the better part of my Holiday weekend was spent binging on peppermint bark while watching video collages of beautiful humans on my iPhone screen, all whilst eating more peppermint bark to process the fact that there is an entire breed of homo-sapiens walking this earth with a grossly unfair genetic advantage. This applies to both men and women: for every perfectly-chiseled, man-bunned photographer, there is a model who gives Emily Radwanski a run for her belfie.

Four days and 300 slideshows, I feel like I have been given a crash course in self-marketing from the worlds finest Instagram celebrities, which I’m about to share with you!  To avoid getting kicked off (a feat I would not survive), I will have to demonstrate on myself.

To start, you must remember that, just like in fashion, a high-low mix is key. You must strive for a perfect balance of sexy and cool shots, starting with…

The Lead-In

Since everybody is pre-screened, most guys on Raya go for quantity over quality, aiming to max out on their matches and filter through later later. (I would estimate the follow-through at around 20%.) Since the main picture is often their sole deciding factor, it has be good. Personally, I chose this one because my friend Caroline spent a good few hours Photoshopping it and because I’m wearing Dries van Noten and because I look like a balance of happy and mysterious (ha!) and approachable. And even sane, which I’m not.

AAEAAQAAAAAAAAJSAAAAJGQyOTA5NTFiLTk3YjktNDFjMC05YWUzLTUxM2FlMDYwZGFmYw

Now that you have lured him in, it’s time for…

The Exotic Travel Pic

What it is: A picture of you somewhere outside of the Western Hemisphere, preferably next to a World Wonder or in an exotic setting such as a desert or a tropical rain forest. For bonus points, try to include a rare wildlife species in its natural habitat: a monkey, lion or any other safari find are all excellent choices. Elephants are really trending at the moment, so if you can find one, more Raya Power to you!

What it means: I’m interesting and exotic and curious. I care about more than just my personal perfection (which is already a done deal). I care about LIFE! I care about the WORLD!

IMG_5469

To continue on the curated lifestyle momentum, let’s introduce..

Zee Artiste

What it is: You, next to a piece of art, practically being art.

What it means: I’m erudite and evolved and have an appreciation for the finer things in life. My weekends are spent gallery-hopping and I will know my sh*t if you take me to Art Basel.

11376382_1878545709037289_1793045000_n

Approachable, well-traveled and artistic? Now, time for some oomph!  Bring in…

The Close-Up Selfie

What it is: A close up shot of your face, preferably mid-pout. For extra poutiness, layer FaceTune and Instagram effects in abundance.

What it means: I’m not a Monet! I’m a Courbet! I look hot up close! IRL! Without makeup! When we wake up together and you look into my eyes in the morning light!

FullSizeRender(N.B. This is NOT on my Raya profile.)

Ok, now back to personality. Introducing..

The Fun-Lover

What it is: You, making a funny face, doing something funny, generally looking like you’re having a blast in life.

What it means: I’m fun and cool and objectively better than your lingerie model ex who took herself way too seriously. I’m DTH (down to hang); your friends will love me and so will you!

11191079_900058993422134_1780704085_n

Speaking of friends, time to show him that good things come in packages. Throw in…

The hot #girlsquad

What it is: You and your hottest ladies, squading it up à la T-Swift!

What it means: I’m secure enough to surround myself with other hot b*tches. Also, your friends will benefit from this union. Also, if this doesn’t work out, you will have options.

12331825_1536113516680877_1737188482_n

Ok, let’s give him a moment to process everything he has learned. For this, you will need..

The Random Scenery

What it is: A picture of something random and pretty and inspirational.

What it means: I’m more than just hot. I’m also deep.

11875595_858136827584972_987391539_n(Can easily be replaced by an art piece, object, non-lame quote)

And now, time for the pièce de résistance…

The Belfie

What it is: A picture of your butt. I don’t have one, which must be costing me major Raya points. My friends volunteered to take one over the weekend, but I couldn’t be bothered due to the mid-peppermint bark binge. And yet, every other chick on Raya has one, so pick up a Belfie stick and get going! (P.S. Somebody, somewhere, is banking on this business idea, because they are actually SOLD OUT!)

What it means: I do my Lululemon justice.

belife stick

Ok now that he’s truly sold, time to get serious. Starting with…

The Event Pic

What it is: You at an event, looking civilized.

What it means: In the case that you want to take me to your D-list movie screening, I will know how to fix my hair, contour my face, and borrow a YSL gown from my fancy friend. I am presentable to parents and know how to dance without tripping over my Gianvito Rossis.

IMG_6944

Speaking of parenting, you will need…

The Maternal Pic

What it is: Picture of you, holding a child, looking like the cool mom you will one day be (sans baby weight). Important to borrow a cute baby – men are very visual!

What it means: Procreating with me is the best idea you’ve had all day!

Screen Shot 2015-12-29 at 8.50.42 AM

And, as he contemplates your life together, throw in…

The Yogi

What it is: A picture of you curled up in a Level IV yoga pretzel, perched somewhere on a cliff, looking like a Lululemon ad of serenity and peace.

What it means: I’ve been doing yoga since I first found out about Madonna and you better believe that it shows in my flexibility. In every way. Also, I will look excellent in 20 years. Also, I know how to mediate, which means I won’t stab you with a kitchen knife when you come home at 5am smelling like a bottle of Yamazaki.

Once again I fail you. But my other friend with Photoshop skills didn’t!

yogi raya dbag dating

Hurrah! Now, time for the cherry on the cupcake: the soundtrack. I probably lost points with my David Bowie cheesiness – most people tend to go in the ambiguous Burning Man-inspired direction.. Although I do have a sneaking suspicion that nobody really cares, as long as your belfie game is up to par!

P.S. Did you guys know that January 1st is the busiest dating app day of the year, which means that you have exactly 4 days to step it up?!

Happy Raya-ing! And Bumbling! And Christian Mingling! And Tindering!

63 Comments

Leave a Reply to Tara Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *