You may remember the Unemployment Artist, the dubiously employed individual who sustains himself on a portfolio of various creative endeavors, such as hanging out at skater shops and taking pictures with vintage Leica cameras. You may also have heard about the Workaholic, he who rejoices in the fleeting art of hard work. When it comes to companionship, one would assume the latter to be decidedly more alluring than the former, but, in certain matters, the grass may actually be greener on the other end of the tax bracket! Today, we cross-analyze the two to see if the job really makes the man.
Criteria 1: The Kick-Off
Unemployment Artist: The UA never pursues girls for the simple reason that he doesn’t have to, as he is usually BFFL with a dozen hot girls, some of which he accidentally “falls” into relationships with. Instead of classic dates, the Unemployment Artists usually prefers to “hang out”, the hipster take on “Netflix and chill”. This involves bumming around at home, bumming around in trendy neighborhoods, and scoring free drinks at friends’ gallery openings. On the flip side, these people have serious social media presence (hello – gateway to free swag!), so you may become an Instagram star by association!
Workaholic: Driven by the pursuit of the chase, the Workaholic usually starts strong, making abundant time in his schedule to woo you with drinks and dinners and even spontaneous weekend getaways. As soon as he knows he has you hooked, he goes back to his main relationship – work – and places you firmly on the back burner, where you will probably stay for eternity. (Or, at least until he hits 40 and gets tired.)
Winner: As a sucker for old-school courting, I’ll give this one to the Workaholic, despite the imminent re-positioning!
Criteria 2: The Lifestyle
Unemployment Artist: Here lies a free spirit who can decide on a whim what tomorrow will bring. Weekend trip to Dia:Beacon? Sure! Impromptu ayahuasca retreat? Why not? As long as there’s moolah coming from somewhere, he’s in. If you happen to have an open schedule as well, this can be a match made in bohemian heaven. If I’m an unemployed bird, you’re an unemployed bird!
Workaholic: By the time the Workaholic gets out of work, he is usually hangry (hungry + angry), so most of the relationship tends to revolve around food and booze. On the rare weekend time that he has free, he usually sleeps for twelve hours and then goes on to consume more food and booze. On the flip side, he does enjoy proper vacations, which gives them infinite points in my book!
Winner: The Unemployment Artist – freedom is beautiful!
Criteria 3: The Inner Dynamics
Unemployment Artist: Being unemployed makes it easy study the entire Internet, making the UA quite knowledgeable and interesting to have a conversation with. The downside are the depressive bouts, spurred by lack of definitive life direction, which a normal human cannot digest without their eyeballs rolling backwards into the their brains. Since us females are instinctively drawn to leadership and power, this nonsense can also kill the libido in no time.
Workaholic: You will inevitably end up regularly discussing work, which is not so bad, as long as he returns the favor and shows some interest in your life. However, French Workaholics (an oxymoron within itself) like to bitch about the stress of missing out on life, another migraine-inducing jolt of psychobable. And yet, there is something sexy about a tormented, overworked man, so don’t be surprised when you want to jump his bones!
Winner: Le Workaholic, just for being an adult.
Criteria 4: The Potential
Unemployment Artist: What potential can there be, if the guy doesn’t even have health insurance? If you can’t guarantee that his card won’t bounce at dinner, how do you expect him to figure out a mortgage loan later down the line? Unless you detect some serious hidden genius and are ready to blindly benefactor that shit through life, drop the illusions of “potential” and take it for what it is – personal entertainment!
Workaholic: Loads of it, as long as you are cool hanging out on the aforementioned back burner.
Winner: The Workaholic wins the Potential category. Shocker!
AND THE WINNER IS… The Workaholic, because I am not a complete crackpot here. And yet, let’s give the Unemployment Artists an honorary medal, as he did pretty well. In fact, my door is always open to him, as I am the Hipster Statue of Liberty!
“Give me your pretentious, your unshowered,
Your unemployed masses yearning to breathe free..!”