I have always had a conflicted perspective on Halloween. On one hand, it may be one of the dumbest man-made holidays, venturing into the fundamentally tacky with its parade of slutty cops and nurses and any other blue-collar career presented in baby prostitute form. On the other hand, it’s a great excuse for adults to spark up their social – and romantic – lives right in time for cuffing season! In case you don’t have it in you to line up at Ricky’s for two hours for your packaged plastic gear, here are some brilliantly easy, thought-provoking, pickup game-bolstering outfits you can concoct in the comfort of your closet!
(As showcased by moi, below.)
What it says: “I’M ASKING FOR IT.” Or, “I’m a relentless tease with an oral fixation who doesn’t want to put her summer clothes into storage. I hypothetically enjoy the idea of an older dude wanting me, but would never act upon it.”
Who you will attract: Primarily pedophiles.
Me as Lolita + my awesome baby ghost friends, circa Halloween 2014.
2. Freudian slip
You will need: A vintage negligee, a Xanax prescriptions, tear-smeared racoon eyes.
What it says: I am brilliantly messed up, or at least I yearn to be. I have read and memorized most of Silvia Plath by heart. I will cause you many sleepless nights and empty headaches.
Who you will attract: Guys in their mid-30’s who like projects and want to “save” you; starving artists who will cause you many sleepless nights and empty headaches.
3. Margot Tenenbaum
What it means: I’m a die-hard Wes Anderson fan and will never forgive Gwyneth for Goop. I’m hip and weird and random at my core, but am now reaching my 30’s and trying on real life, so I need an excuse to walk around stoned for just one evening.
Who you will attract: Hipsters born between 1983 – 1988.
You will need: Anything Dries Van Noten, eyeliner for the uni-brow, a rose garden to perch on my head, a parrot to perch on my shoulder.
What it means: I am a humanitarian-slash-environmentalist with strong political views that sway in the Socialist direction. I will crash a plate against your head if you mess with me.
Who you will attract: A lovely human being who can look past your uni-brow and into the beauty of your soul.
Leeloo from Fifth Element
What it means: Red wig, smeared blood, granny panties, white bandages.
What it says: I live at Soul Cycle and my body is cut from steel. I am one of the 1% of women who can wrap herself in white bandages and get away with it, hence I will. Oh, I am also slightly insane!
Who you will attract: Ax murderers?