The Torture Test


This past weekend in Russia, my best friend’s husband caught me staring at my WhatApp for a full ten minutes, typing and deleting what was meant to be a violent text message to my long-distance ball n’chain. In full understanding of my inner turmoil, he leaned in and whispered one of the most dangerous sentences ever uttered: “If a man truly likes you, he will tolerate pretty much anything.”

Anything. Anything? I felt like I had been given a Carte Blanche, a chance to finally let my freak flag billow in the wind in its full rainbow of colors. After all, we had been dating for months – wasn’t it time for him to see the “real me” in all of her psycho glory? With the preponderance of “how to tiptoe around a man’s emotions’” advice, it often feels like they are the ones who have to suffer through periods and hormonal changes and childbirth, while we are supposed to cater to their whims and desires. Not in Russia. In Russia, things were different. In Russia, I was the Tsarina; I could have my crazy cake and eat it too!

Needless to say, I turned on the fireworks the next morning. (Revenge is best served for breakfast.) He passed, albeit not with flying colors, simply ignoring the tantrum until I was done. Personally, I think he should have been on the next Heathrow – Saint-Petersburg flight, but I also know who I’m dealing with here, so I let it pas.

If you are ready to start testing out a man’s true feelings for you, here are some creative ways on how to proceed. Warning, you must be dating for a minimum of 3 months, and no more than 3 of these can be used, unless you want to see if he has a budding OJ Simpson in him.

1. Turn on “the mood”. Each one of us has one mood that is completely intolerable, the one our friends and family can sense from a mile away and have long ago learned to stay away from. Mine usually involves a hangover, that propels a mix of irritability, indecisiveness, and extreme emotional reactions to any critical commentary aimed in my direction. (You don’t like the way my butt looks in these jeans? I. WILL. CRY.) The result is, quite simply, a bipolar b*tch that can snap your head off for no reason. If you can befriend her, you’re a keeper.

2. Throw your family into the mix. This is my area of expertise – in fact, “if you wanna be my lover, you gotta get along with my Russki brood” should be my jam. Give him a one day warning before throwing him into a melting pot of 3 generations that will reveal your DNA for exactly what it is. If there are logistical issues standing in the way of in-person family bonding, try Skype – I introduced my Brit to my mom on Facetime last weekend as my “soon to be ex-boyfriend” – the reaction on his face was priceless!

3. Take him along for some girl time. Make him attend a girls lunch with a minimum of one pregnant friend present (if you don’t have any, you can borrow mine!), where childbirth is the main conversation topic. Have your friend tell that story about her 36-hour labor, complete with the baby being pulled out with a pair of metal tongs. Watch the blood drain from his face, rejoice.

As an alternative, go shopping for a few hours but don’t buy anything. Instead, have him sit in the fitting room while you try on the entire store and disregard each piece, claiming it makes you look fat and ugly. Make sure to buy a cronut to compensate. All of these things defy basic human logic, which men love!

4. Text him at work, Crazy Jewish Mom style. It has to look like a complete stream of consciousness, as though you are thinking out loud, instead of actually trying to convey ideas. Change your mind at least three times, arriving to absolutely no consensus. Top it off with a few selfies and rows of emojis from the bomb n’ gun section. When he does text you back, ignore him for hours.

5. Stage an impromptu breakup. My best friend recently showed me an email she sent her boyfriend a year into dating him, while he was away in Japan: “I don’t want to ruin the last night of your trip, but I just moved all my stuff out and will be staying at my parents. Don’t bother contacting me, but if you must, let’s keep it the same as when you’re on vacation – 5 minutes every 4 days. Safe flight.” Two years later, they are married. If that is not a testament to showing the real you, I don’t know what is!

Disclaimer: cheating, lying and physical aggression are not recommended by Dbag Dating. (Not like I can pay out your lawsuit anyway.)

And now, happy torturing!



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