When I was little girl and didn’t know that I would be one day meeting men on Tinder, I always dreamed of meeting the love of my life on an airplane. Exhausted after a business trip to an exotic locale (my vision of the future also involved a career as an international diplomat), I would slip into my first class seat, only discover a Don Draper lookalike ready to divulge his innermost secrets over dirty martinis. Granted, we would be an item by the time the plane touched the ground.
The closest I ever got to realizing this fantasy was a few years ago while traveling from Saint-Petersburg to Athens on a plane originating from sometime before the Mad Men era. The tiny deathtrap on wings and its accompanying noises terrified me to the point where I was shaking in my seat, inspiring the man next to me to order us a bottle of champagne and discuss Russian literature with me until I dozed off in a state of drunken bliss. Another time, my flight from Miami to New York flight had to make an emergency landing in Washington, and so I spent the impromptu layover bonding with a French Moroccan douchebag, who then invited me over to his NYC hotel room a few hours later and never contacted me again.
And yet, despite these failed connections, I remain hopeful. After all, travel puts us out of our comfort zones, making us far more susceptible to new experiences and encounters. A friend of mine met a charming young British girl on a flight from Thailand a year back, and they have been going strong ever since. Hence, I would like to kick-start the post-Memorial day summer travel season with a guide that will help you grasp the numerous opportunities presented to you by the vast aerospace.
1. Look human. I blame Jessica Simpson & her band of Juicy-clad Millennium dweebs for singlehandedly destructing the art of chic travel, never to be the same since. These days, sweatpants and leggings-as-pants seem to be the prevalent travel gear for most people, but, when you think about it, does anybody ever meet their soulmates while wearing leggings-as-pants? I’m not telling you to treat the airport like an actual runway à la Victoria Beckham, but at least wash your hair and put on some flattering jeans to go with those Stan Smiths. Go easy on the jewelry, unless you are aiming to score a date with one of the pat-down man.
2. Have a drink at the airport bar. This is the one place where drinking alone is not only socially acceptable, but also sexy, evoking an independent, woman-of-the-world vibe that may magnetize the right kind of male. Pick airports for layovers strategically, as some are much more propitious than others – in fact, Heathrow should have its own Tinder hotspot! If you are particularly loaded (or crafty), get your butt into the business lounge pronto!
3. Carry a huge carry-on. This one is a no-brainer, a trick that God gave us when he made us the weaker sex. (Feminists I love you, I am one of you, I am simply spotlighting opportunity here.) You will automatically become the slowest person on navigate the aircraft, leaving men no choice but to help you prop that baby up. Once they do, turn around and act extra grateful, smile with teeth, wait for results.
4. If you see something, say something. Let’s say you board a plane and see a perfect contender sitting two rows away from you. Are you really going to suffer through the flight next to the geriatric couple, instead of testing your luck with McDreamy? Grow some balls, girl. Assess the situation and ask whoever is in close proximity to him to change seats. Just make sure you have a legitimate excuse – bathroom/charger related issues always work!
5. Pretend to be REALLY scared of flying. Let me remind you once again how this is done:
Show me a man who can resist this, and I will show you a puppy killer. However, this particular move requires very serious acting skills, and there is also the side risk of appearing schizophrenic. For a few more natural effect, turbulence is your best friend. Nothing bonds people faster than a dangerous situation – that stuff is like ayahuasca!
In any case, happy summer travels to y’all! Also, if you have any excellent Summer Lovin dating disasters to share with us, feel free to send them over to firstname.lastname@example.org! Remember, revenge is a best served in passive-agressive form!