Last week, Kim K broke the Internet, Instagram, your phone, with a gelled-back platinum blonde bob, which she somehow coordinated with fellow publicity hooker Jared Leto for good measure. (I wonder if they have agents syncing these things? Talk about fulfilling job..) This look, absurd as it is, is bound to sweep down to the mainstream masses in the course of the next few weeks / months, inspiring countless girls to peroxide their follicles in an effort to re-create this look.
While some will simply aspire to emulate Kimmy the Refined Goddess of Plastic-Fantastic, others will use it as an excuse to curb those winter blues and delude the boredom and restlessness that comes months of hibernation, sexual frustration, avalanches and whatever else constitutes modern-day Polar Vortex living. A change of a hairstyle will signify a “Spring awakening”, a “fresh new start”, a way to hit the pastures of Printemps up and running, equipped with a brand-new boost of confidence.
To others, this may be even part of an effort to jump-start their love life or escape whatever romantic malaise that may be plaguing them at that particular moment. Every girl, on some occasion, has gotten upset over a guy and taken it out on the mop of protein filaments (because, apparently, that’s what hair is) adorning her head. The ex was obsessed with your long, luscious Victoria’s Secret hair? Chop chop, good bye Felicia. Sex life in a rut? Perhaps, some long, Francoise Hardy – esque bangs are in order to feel more séducrice française. The girl my ex dated after me dyed her hair a magnificent shade of turquoise blue on the occasion that he broke up with her. (Considering the fact that I moved to Paris to get away from him, the kid sure has an impressive effect on women.)
While my own spontaneous hair decisions are not usually linked to men, they are almost always conducted in the Springtime and connected with a dire urge to make some Grand Changes in my life. The results have been highly questionable, ruining countless mornings, months of Instagram pictures, and forcing me to blackmail my friends with threats to Fat App their photos if they don’t permanently delete this and that picture from their phone.
Case 1 – The Bangs.
Blame this one on France. For some reason, I seem to believe that the French girl bang, rocked by the likes of Caroline de Maigret, Jeanne Damas and every Sandro / Maje billboard, will metamorphose me into a lithe creature who broods around cafés, Proust book in hand, seducing slowly and languidly from under her eye-grazing fringe.
This works for exactly one day, after which I immediately into that little pet from the Addams family. The bangs take on a life of their own and become a greasy, staticy little puppet monster that sticks flatly to my forehead and frames my face in the most unflattering of ways, causing it to look bigger and wider than it actually is.
The only DECENT picture I have was taken at the hair salon. At least the pet looks clean.
Case 2 – The Platinum ‘Do
Before there was Kim K, there was Charlotte Free and Gwen Stefani and every other cool girl who amped up her It-girl status with bleached out hair. Last February, I briefly decided to become the It girl of my imagination, went to the hair salon, and asked the lady to double-process it my hair so it would come close to this effect. As a result, I was officially nicknamed the Golden Retriever and spent about 1,000 euros trying to get back to the color God initially intended.
The look on my face says it all. This is the one picture I have left from that time period. The rest have been irreversibly destroyed.
While I strongly encourage change, both inside and out, I suggest that you to think it through and tread carefully before making rash decisions. Hair is a short-term solution with a long (and expensive) retribution period. If done wrong, your entire New Womanhood plan will be derailed by the pangs of loss you will experience looking in the mirror. Also, peroxide seeps into your brain. Kim K doesn’t have much to lose, but I sure hope that you do!
Instead, perhaps try some more long-term changes and aim to rethink your attitude, your goals and maybe even a few relationships in your life. Add a fitness and health food kick to this, and I promise that the results will be more gratifying!
Yes, I’m still trippin’ on my marathon high! But then again, my hair is still intact.
N.B. To those of you who are concerned, I don’t think this new attitude can last too long. I promise you, the cynical and jaded me will come back soon.