The Dbag Dating Guide to Dating Rich Guys

dbag dating guide to dating rich guys

Yes, I went there. Go ahead and crucify me. But let me explain first.

The idea for this article did not come to me while sipping a 35-euro, perversely-named cocktail at the Plaza Athénée, inspiring me to share the pearls of my gold digging wisdom with the rest of the female population. No, this particular stroke of genius took place at the far more democratic Le Progrès, as a 37-year old TV director in chambray introduced me to “The VICE Guide to Dating Rich Girls”, a piece of high journalistic significance to him. Always on the lookout for a highbrow literary mission, I immediately did an internal Barney Stinson-esque fist pump, accompanied by the ubiquitous “Challenge accepted!”

When it comes to dating rich guys, I am a walking disappointment, a disgrace to my fellow compatriots, so to speak. I blame it all on my father, who once looked me in the eye and adamantly stated: “A man is not a wallet.. You also have to actually live with them”. I don’t think even he anticipated the profound effect these words would have on me, driving me to quite the opposite extreme in my pursuit of true, impoverished love. Hence, while I could easily write you a tome on dating dirty hipsters, my experience with eligible bachelors of Forbes list potential is rather limited. However, I have been known to randomly fall subject to their affection, and will draw from these rare events in order to bring to you the female-oriented answer to the Vice masterpiece.

1. You have to look the part. Rich guys like their women like they like their penthouse suites – immaculate at all times. This means keeping your nails polished,your abs firm, your legs smooth, your genitals waxed, and your skin smelling like a bed of rose petals at any given time. Completely exhausting, not to mention unconducive to my personal list of priorities, which places manicures on the same level of importance as, say, cooking. 

2. You have to play it cool. The private yacht, the Michelin restaurants, the caviar-sprinkled amuse-bouches, the afterparty at his buddy Bradley Cooper’s house? Of course you’ve done it before. Dude, you and Suki go way back. The key here is to make sure that the man continues to think of you as a challenge and brainstorm more ways to sweep you off your Gianvito Rossi-clad feet. Here, I make the mistake of being overly grateful for a basic lunch date at Maison de la Truffle, a faux-pas that will probably result in eating 7-euro baguettes and vacationing at youth hostels for the remainder of my adult life.

3. Think of yourself as a limited-edition timepiece. This is a bit redundant, but use some deductive reasoning here – would a rich guy like his Berluti suit if it was ready and available over the counter on any given Tuesday? Bien sûr que non. Rich guys like their toys to be rare and exclusive, available to but a select few at a very high price. You, my beautiful rare bird, must be part of the assortment. (Again, my personal preference goes to normcorers who think of Nike ID as the pinnacle of customization.)

4. The crazier, the better. There is something about hot psycho bitches that rich guys find irresistible. It might be the fact that they defy logic, presenting a glimmer of spontaneity in a world where almost everything is predictable. In any case, I highly suggest the hot-n-cold approach: vague non-answers, middle of the night disappearance acts, and general schitzo behavior of all sorts.

5. You must excel in bed. But not to the point where it seems like you’ve been giving it up to anyone with a black Amex. On an upside, research claims that women orgasm more with rich men, which is pretty f*ing fascinating and almost makes me want to go there. Almost.

Courage my darlings! Feel free to send me a care package from your Mr & Mrs Smith resort to show your gratitude. It will come in handy for my next sejour at the youth hostel!

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