When you’re in my business of failed dating (actually, its quite possible that I monopolize the industry), you frequently run out of content and are forced to look for it elsewhere. (Luckily though, I have my Muse..) And yet, occasionally, little gifts fall into your lap, which is what happened last weekend with the case of the Weinergate.
It was Sunday and we were having a long hungover brunch at Hotel Amour, the kind of brunch when you worry that the staff will slip a laxative in your 10th OJ just to get you out of there, when two of my friends decided that they were going to “finally get me boned”. They hijacked my phone, opened up my contact list and typed in “Tinder”. This resulted in three contenders: Colombian Tinder, David Tinder and a third one – lets just call him Anthony Weiner Tinder. They send all of them the same message – a subtle “Hey sexy”. While the other two tactfully ignored it, Anthony Weiner immediately responded with a “Hey sexy” back. Excited, my friends invited him to come with us to see “50 Shades of Grey”, a film that apparently turned “me” on immensely.
Quick back story on Anthony Weiner. AW was a French news anchor I had met on Tinder last Spring. He had given me enough information to Google him in advance, and I was pleasantly surprised to discover that he really was a legitimate journalist who regularly appeared on a prestigious French TV channel. We met for a drink on one afternoon and he was cute and interesting to talk to, based on his job alone. He texted me shortly afterwards, but never followed up with a proper proposition, except for one time when he randomly invited me to his house. And so, I quickly forgot about him, with the exception of the occasion time when I would see him on TV at the gym.
Anyway, back to Hotel Amour. While I was busy learning how to use an Hermès scarf for bondage purposes (don’t ask), my friends were occupied with my phone. They were telling AW that “I” was feeling super horny and was ready to do it with him that night, right after the movie. The guy seemed to completely buy it and was growing more excited by the second, a fact illustrated by the exclamation points and “yeah baby”s that kept popping up on the screen. At some point, my friends requested that he send us a picture of how “excited” he was. In a matter of minutes, a bare torso appeared on my iPhone screen. Elated, they requested a more explicit picture. In about five minutes, a photo of the erect penis of a respectable French news anchor was staring straight at me.
Terrified and mildly nauseous (hangovers and d*ck pics generally don’t mix), I confiscated the phone and we headed to see the film. (As much of a masterpiece as expected, although Dakota Johnson is fabulous.) That evening, I received more sleazy messages from AW, which I ignored. On Monday morning, I woke up to yet another message: “Hey baby, what did you do last night?” Something about the AM dose of perv hit a nerve, and I decided to tell him the truth: “I’m really sorry, my friends wrote all that nonsense at brunch.” He seemed mortified and apologized immediately. I told him that it was ok, but her really should be more careful, being a public figure and all. He agreed and asked me to erase the photos, which I had already done after almost accidentally Instagraming one of them. We had said our good byes and I was getting ready to put down my phone, when he sent me another message, telling me that my Instagram pictures were hot. I thanked him and said good-bye once again. However, he wasn’t done.
“And what about my c*ck? C’mon! Did you like it?” Apparently, he wanted me to return the compliment.
SERIOUSLY? He hadn’t learned his lesson?!
I know that this isn’t the most exciting occurrence in the world, but I still decided to write about it, as it piqued my curiosity. Why do men – grown-up, successful men, who actually have brains – have this bizarre physical urge to show off their thing, like chimpanzees in a zoo? Do they really think that some woman is going to get so turned on, that she is going to invite herself over and jump their balls? If so, lease show me this woman, for I have never met her.
Can somebody please enlighten me on this?