Remember the duck purse?!
The other day, I woke up to a hysterical text from a friend:
MARINA CAN YOU PLEASE WRITE A DBAG DATING STORY ABOUT HOW MY BOYFRIEND BOUGHT ME A WATER PITCHER FOR CHRISTMAS!!!!?????
I almost rolled out of bed laughing, imagining this poor girl unraveling the Christmas wrapping in anticipation of a romantic gift from her fresh, exciting new love, only to discover…a glass jug. She seemed to be in dire need of lashing out, so I told her to go ahead and send me a recount of this incident. Curious, I began asking others around me about the strangest presents they had ever received from significant others.. As it turns out, people have some pretty colorful stories to share!
The Water Pitcher
First Christmas with P. I’m stressing out about what to get him, searching all over London for the perfect gift. On December 16th, P arrives to dinner with a large bag and proudly announces that its my Christmas present. I feel like a terrible girlfriend with nothing to give him it in return, a feeling that quickly passes when I open the bag to discover a box with a picture of a generic glass water pitcher on it. I’m pretty certain that it’s a joke and my real (romantic) present is waiting inside. Nope, its just a water pitcher, identical to the one on the box. I pretend to be really into it for exactly ten minutes, until I crack and ask him what in the world posessed him to buy such a bizzare gift. His reasoning? Since I’m always thirsty, I can now always have water in my room.
Editors note: Men are from Mars and their brains work in mystical ways that I will never understand.
The XL dress
A few years ago, my ex-boyfriends mother, who has great taste, sent me a present for Christmas. It was a beautiful Mm6 by Margiela dress and I loved it.. Except that it was a size 42, which is the equivalent of an L –XL. (I’m a medium.) I was so mortified that she thought that this was my size that I never even thanked her for it!
The Gym Membership
A membership to Bally’s Gym, the most ghetto gym in Brooklyn. Not only did I have to pay it when we broke up, but I couldn’t get out of the damn contract for 2 years, long I after I had moved to the city. It was like a monthly financial punishment for ever dating him.
The Stuffed Monkey
I’m very petite so men are always treating me like a kid and buying me stuffed animals. One time, an ex-boyfriend arrived to my house and presented me with a stuffed gorilla that he had named Monkey Sam Rogelio De La Santisima Trinidad Hans y/& Tobago (trans: Monkey Sam Rigelio of the Holy Trinity – Hans from Tobago). It was meant to represent our future child.
Editors note: I want what this guy was smoking.
The Chanel Tote
The ugliest Chanel bag you can imagine – burgundy, shiny, shaped like a garbage bag on a chain. It was so expensive, and so ugly, that I felt awful every single time I looked at it. I was young and didn’t know how to just ask to exchange it, something I would now do in a heartbeat.
Clear lens glasses. I have no vision problems whatsoever. He just thought they would make me look “more interesting”.
The Portrait Session
A girl I was dating once gave me a portrait session with her artist friend. I had to sit in this guy’s studio for 5 hours (no texting, no talking!), only to have him draw a horrible portrait of me that looked like something from the 17th Century. I then had to awkwardly hang it in my house, which made me feel like the ultimate creep when people came over.
In college, my ex girlfriend decided to decorate my dorm and bought me a huge tank with two turtles named Henri and Matisse. The pooped all over the place, I never learned to clean the tank, and Henri killed Matisse or vice versa.
I was dating one guy for a year – a full year of douchiness, if you may. A few days before New Years, he told me he had gotten me a gift, making it out to sound like something exceptional. I hadn’t been planning to get him anything (we were on the verge of breaking up and I knew it), but I figured I would play nice. His hobby was photography, so I went to Barnes & Noble and spent 150 dollars on a limited-edition photography book. We got together for dinner and I gave it to him, at which point he told me he had forgotten my gift. We never really spoke again.
I once dated a guy who was in AA. On Christmas dinner at his parents house, he decided it was a perfect time to make amends with everyone he had hurt while he was drinking. When it was my turn, he described all the crazy fights we had ever had, including the time he had cheated on me, in front of his entire family.
Editors note: We’ve got a winner!!!
P.S. In case you truly dislike somebody and would like to inflict damage upon them this Christmas, my friends are selling me for the modest price of 580 euros! Full torture package includes one unforgettable evening with moi + a blog post! Shop www.twinpandashop.com