Two Septembers ago, when I first moved to Paris, I ended up at the Oberkampf apartment of a boy who deemed it romantic to feed me frozen carrots en lieu of dinner. As our makeout session progressed and he made the first attempt to remove my shirt, he suddenly paused, looked me straight in the eye, and whispered seductively: “Je te desire.”
At that moment, I had to do everything in my power to hold in the snort that was threatening to explode frozen carrots and cheap wine all over his pleather couch. For some reason, the sound of a French man trying to talk sexy to me was possibly one of the funniest bedroom encounters of my life (second only to the time I could not locate my skirt at some hipster’s house and had to go to the office in tights and a trench coat.)
Since tis the season of all things French and Parisian, otherwise known as Paris Fashion Week, I have decided to create an indispensable little guide that will enable one to face any Francophile bedroom situation with confidence, grace, and the vocabulary of a slutty French sailor. This should come in particularly handy for the fancy fashion folks who plan on squeezing in some promiscuous fun between stalking Kimye and running around the city in designer orthopedic shoes. Without further ado, here are some key phrases you will find useful in the city of Lurve and Merde.
Let’s start with some basics..
Faire l’amour – Equivalent to making love. Politically correct, can be used in presence of colleagues and professionals. Rarely has anything to do with actual love.
Niquer / baiser – Your basic F-verb. Not the classiest of terms, yet gets the point across. Best to avoid using in professional settings.
Bite – Male sex organ, equal to what’s short for Richard. Apparently, a fancy synonym Is “braquemard” aka a double-edged sword.. Frankly, the mere thought of pronouncing that in a bedroom setting terrifies me.
Chatte – Hey kitty cat.. That’s right, you got it!
Nichons – Boobies. (You can also use “pèches”, which literally means peaches. I spent my first three months in France thinking every man has a fruit fetish.)
Now for some more complex stuff..
Faire un minou – Literal translation is “making a kitty” which stands for pleasing a woman orally. Clearly, the French take the cat reference way too far.
Faire une pipe – Oral pleasure for males. Literal translation is “smoking a pipe”. Délicieux.
Se taper – This actually mean to “hit yourself” but in the weird masochist French way it also means to pleasure yourself. OxyMORONS.
Valseuses – Literal meaning is “dancing the valse”, also refers to the testicles. How the hell did they get there?
Gaule – Ancient French term referring to a fishing stick, commonly used to describe an erection. (I have never heard this before, but then again, I’m rarely around that reference.)
Bifle – This one is bad. Real bad. Inspired by “gifle”, which means “smack” in French. Combine with “bite”, try to hold your lunch.
If somebody upsets you, feel free to call them a “connard” (female: conasse), which is a good blanket insult that covers douchebag, asshole, and all other lovely emotions you may want to project at the moment. Mutter “merde” and “putain” under your breath every five minutes to reaffirm Parisian-ness and hatred of life.
I think you’re ready. Enjoy the weekend, kids!