As many of you may know by now, Men’s Fashion Week happens to be one of favorite holidays, effectively combining my two main interests: looking at clothes and deciphering the male species. While I am not yet considered mainstream enough to get invited to the shows (as a true artiste, I prefer to keep an underground vibe going), I did spend this past weekend skimming through Style.com coverage of the various défilés permeating Paris, not to mention observing the peculiar species known as fashion boys in their natural Marais habitat.
Following last season’s post on the 8 types of men you will see at Men’s Fashion Week, this season I decided to evaluate the shows themselves, appropriating the proposed looks to the types of men they are best equipped for.
1. For the female fantasy that doesn’t exist.
Would you look at that pretty face! This is the guy who showers. Regularly. And owns a hairbrush. And gives in his own dry cleaning. You would never have to force him to change clothes before meeting your parents, or feel embarrassed if you accidentally run into your “cool friends” the street (oh shut up, you know you have them). Unfortunately, he also happens to be an urban myth, for the only man who looks like this is Olivia Palermo’s fiancé, and I’m pretty sure she manufactured him at a clone factory in Switzerland.
2. For my own personal fantasy.
I suppose there’s something to be said about taking a girl out of Brooklyn, yet never taking the Brooklyn out of the girl. For some reason unbeknown to me, there’s something about that faux-thuggish, Jay Z-citing-while-knowing-no-hardships-in-life vibe that I find utterly irresistible. Unfortunately, these guys usually care about attaining the perfect ankle cleavage way more than they care about maintaining jobs, which is where I am forced to cut my losses.
My dream man is brought to you exclusively by Ami.
3. For the men I date.
Apparently, male ballerinas à la Nureyev were the inspiration de rigueur for designers this season. I call bullshit. I think they were secretly inspired by all of my collective boyfriends over the past two years, rolled up in one sweaty, limp-locked package. In any case, this shows how intrinsically on-trend I was when I started dating men with a BMI 3x lower than mine.
4. For the sensitive souls.
This is the man who thinks way more than you do. Who feels things. Who cries after sex. Who takes you to the theater, where he cries too, delicately dabbing the tears with a washed silk handkerchief. Dating him is like dating a woman who is always on her period. The reward? An infinite amount of Dries.
The dream wardrobe of draped silks is brought to you by the one and only Dries van Noten.
5. For the non-starving artists.
Because God only knows that those Dior Homme “paint-splattered” pieces are going to cost more than the middle-class American’s GDP. This is for the guy who’s parents accidentally happened to leave him an art gallery to run at the age of 20, making him the subject of various .com profiles and the homecoming king of the downtown scene for exactly six months, before being replaced by the next doppelgänger-in-waiting.
8. For the PPP’s (Pretentious Pastel Pricks)
It’s a personal thing, possibly a trauma left over from the Southampton days, but I genuinely despise it when men overload on pastels. Nothing screams “I’m a selfish asshole who will never wipe a diaper” more than a petal pink cashmere sweater draped over a white polo. I repeat, nothing.
9. For the minors.
This is just because my niece’s prep school friends are a build-in audience and I like to cater to them. (Hi Ally! Hi Jenny! How cute is the boy on the right?) The rest of you should probably look away before you get arrested.
10. For the men who abuse drugs.
Here, I decided to categorize by the drug type. After all, all junkies are not created equal.
Thom Browne 4ever for the shroom lovers.
Crackheads and assholes can follow the Slimane parade. While this is all Saint Laurent, Salavation Army will do.
Children, crack may be whack, but meth is what makes you scour the subway stations draped in a toilet paper toga. Remember that. If you want to purchase said toga, you can head over to Rick Owens.
11. For the non humans.
Because ET was always the best boyfriend, and always will be.
Alien uniforms brought to you by Rick Owens.